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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sex and be allowed to say so

83 replies

Carpetness · 08/12/2019 11:44

So my mum died last week. Had a long drawn out battle with a brain tumor so it's been understandably shit.
Haven't been intimate with my partner for ages. Last night he tried to initiate it and I said I didn't want to. Said I'd just lost my mum so was preoccupied. Then this morning tried to initiate it again. Again said no.
His response " do you want to have sex ever again?!"
His sex drive is high (always has been and mine never has). He just keeps saying " I need to ejaculate". What the hell!! I feel bad that I never want it but am I being unreasonable to want it even less when he's going on like this. I think I feel bad as I never have initiated it really so he probably feels rejected. And when he feels sad having sex makes him feel better but I'm the opposite.
Just need to put this somewhere

OP posts:
category12 · 08/12/2019 13:29

Women may give in for a peaceful day/life etc but that does not make it rape.

Um, that's still coerced. Rape doesn't have to involve violence or force. The standard should be enthusiastic consent, not can't bear being moaned at any more. Rape is an emotive word and I'm not sure it applies here - but "giving in for a quiet life" is not proper consent.

messolini9 · 08/12/2019 13:29

It’s your body, it belongs to you and if you don’t want a penis in it it’s your right

@MashedSpud I think I love you Crown Grin

EffYouSeeKaye · 08/12/2019 13:35

YANBU of course, you are bereaved. The ongoing mis-match of your sex drive vs his is a big problem, however, if you don’t address it. I would talk with him in order to agree a course of action when you are ready.

Ellie56 · 08/12/2019 13:35

You are not some receptacle for him to ejaculate into. Tell the twat to go and have a wank. Angry

otterturk · 08/12/2019 13:36

I've just read this to my partner. He looked at me with actual horror that any man behaves this way.

diddl · 08/12/2019 13:46

" He looked at me with actual horror that any man behaves this way."

Bless him.

Honeybee85 · 08/12/2019 13:49

You can refuse sex for as long as you like and don’t owe anyone a reason for it.
Your body and therefor your decision to have sex belongs to you and to nobody else no matter the circumstances. And I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

EffYouSeeKaye · 08/12/2019 13:51

Loads of men behave this way, otter I’m surprised your OH is surprised.

otterturk · 08/12/2019 14:00

I suppose they do, it seems pretty common on here. Not the way decent humans behave. The "I need to ejaculate!" is just insane.

otterturk · 08/12/2019 14:01

@eff surely normal men don't shout "I need to ejaculate" at their partners?

EffYouSeeKaye · 08/12/2019 14:05

😂 oh that bit, otter , no they probably don’t. Hope not, anyway.

I meant loads of men think they have an automatic right to regular sex.

MitziK · 08/12/2019 14:09

'Do you ever want to have sex again?'

'Not with you, I fucking don't. Pack your shit and get out of my home. You have five minutes which is usually more than enough time for you to get anything finished.

Hopoindown31 · 08/12/2019 14:09

How long is "ages"?

Of course just after the loss of your mum is completely insensitive but this issue pre-dates that by some time. Rather than behaving like a desperate creep your partner should have ended it with you by now.

Seriouslyconfused3 · 08/12/2019 14:09

What a fucking dickhead. I’m so sorry for your loss op Flowers take care of yourself

otterturk · 08/12/2019 14:13

@eff yeah the entitlement of many balls owners is quite something and how they manage to get any is bizarre to me

dayslikethese1 · 08/12/2019 14:16

I think my vagina just closed up reading that OP. Your DH is a twat.

BanginChoons · 08/12/2019 14:34

You are NOT obliged to have sex with anyone on demand, regardless of what id or isn't going on in your lives right now. It's absolute bollocks that you have to oblige with anything because of his sex drive. If he feels it's a problem that your sex drive is lower, he should take responsibility for that as his issue not put it on you.

Ringdonna · 08/12/2019 14:38

As long as youdon't mi dhis right to get it elsewhere

JacquesHammer · 08/12/2019 14:50

As long as youdon't mi dhis right to get it elsewhere

What utter bullshit. I mean I know your name and you revel in your own ignorance but do try and think before posting.

cavabiensepasser · 08/12/2019 15:08

In general, YANBU. Totally YANBU. One, you're grieving, and two, your body is your own and nobody has the right to demand sex from you, ever.

However.

It's obvious that your sex drives are mismatched. He needs more intimacy than you. He will most likely stray sooner or later, or will leave you, because a sexless marriage simply doesn't work for a lot of people. You need to work out whether it's worth staying together, really.

MistyCloud · 08/12/2019 15:08

@Ringdonna

As long as you don't mind his right to get it elsewhere!

LMFAO!!!

By the way, 'Ringdonna' is a funny name for a man.

And you must be a man because only a man would say something like this.

ferrier · 08/12/2019 15:10

... or a sex worker...

MistyCloud · 08/12/2019 15:17

@ferrier LOL Grin

FlamingoAndJohn · 08/12/2019 16:10

I’m shocked that some women think it’s fine to let a man fuck you because he’s complained enough that he’s worn you down. Letting him do it for a quiet life is not the same as consent.

slipperywhensparticus · 08/12/2019 16:15

Who the actual fuck voted your not allowed to say no?

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