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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this request

81 replies

Summertime2 · 08/12/2019 09:36

We have an exchange student (15yr old) staying with us for a month in January and DH has also invited his parents to stay for a weekend. We only have one spare room so this already means our 2 kids bunking in together and no extra beds. Now DBIL has asked us to have his 2 kids for the weekend as DSIL is away and he wants to go to a party and then a day out with friends on the Sunday.

I feel inclined to say sorry, no, already got a houseful including a teenager we've never met and are expected to entertain and "show London" plus juggling kids sporting commitments and entertaining the grandparents.

But should I just relax and go with the flow, another couple of kids won't make a difference?

OP posts:
YouSawThePlans · 08/12/2019 10:18

tbh I'd have re-arranged DH's parents. I don't think it's fair to have so many people when you're hosting an exchange student.

converseandjeans · 08/12/2019 10:18

Definitely a no - it's not fair on your visitors. Well done for saying no. He's going to have to miss out or find someone else to have them.

Notnownotneverever · 08/12/2019 10:19

I would say no. It wouldn’t be great for the exchange student and the grandparents probably wanted to spend time with your own children for that weekend. It sounds stressful for everyone.

justilou1 · 08/12/2019 10:20

HELL NO

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/12/2019 10:20

I don't see that you have a choice. You just don't have room for 2 more.
BiL will just have to,lump it - and in the circs you shouldn't feel at all bad for saying sorry, we just can't.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/12/2019 10:21

Whether or not he's a lazy selfish sod who can't be bothered to look after his DC (and we don't know, after all, whether his DW goes out every weekend and this party was his first opportunity to socialise in months) - it's still not your problem. He can pay a professional sitter.

RiotAndAlarum · 08/12/2019 10:21

Not fair on you, your kids, the grandparents, the exchange student AND your DNs.... for one person!

I'd be really unhappy if I were his kids (sleeping oj the floor!) or his wife (guilt about her kids sleeping on the floor!).

Bluetrews25 · 08/12/2019 10:21

The grandparents need to be rescheduled, too.
It's not always easy having an exchange student!

JacobReesClunge · 08/12/2019 10:24

For future reference, don't give openings.

Uncompromisingwoman · 08/12/2019 10:25

I hope OP that the poor exchange student gets more attention than your busy plans suggest. They not only have to navigate a strange family and fit in around your children's lives (which is understandable) but you are also planning to host and entertain grandparents at the same time as well? I feel a bit sorry for them.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 08/12/2019 10:26

Um, no.
Fuck that shit.
That's too many people and not fair on your other guests.
That BIL will just have to parent the kids he brought into this world, like a normal father.

Iloveacurry · 08/12/2019 10:27

Say no! His wife is away therefore he needs to stay at home with his kids.

ShinyDolphin · 08/12/2019 10:27

I mean I would have said no to the PIL coming never mind the BIL kids too!

Original poster
Summertime2 · 08/12/2019 10:32

I do see what you mean about the exchange student but she is with us for 5 weeks and we will be doing lots of day trips with her, sightseeing, ice skating, theatre evenings etc. We are even hoping to take her to Paris one weekend. DHs dad is in his 90s and seeing them in Jan is a bit of a tradition. I expect my DD and the exchange student will have lunch with us but then go into town on the Sunday by themselves. So hopefully not too dreadful for her. And of course she'll have the spare room and our kids will share.

OP posts:
NewName54321 · 08/12/2019 10:34

Are DH's parents also grandparents to the extra children? Could they not go to BIL's house and babysit?

Original poster
Summertime2 · 08/12/2019 10:36

They are and that's quite a good idea but they in their 90s so not sure it's really fair to ask them.

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 08/12/2019 10:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

MrsJoshNavidi · 08/12/2019 10:45

The more the merrier IMO. All the teenagers will entertain the foreigner for you, and entertain themselves. Send them out to the cinema and pizza or something. The foreign kid's English will benefit too.
It's only a couple of airbeds on the living rim floor.
I love a full house!

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 08/12/2019 10:52

Even reading your update that the student is with you for 5 weeks, I still think you can say no. It doesn't suit.

rhubarbcrumbles · 08/12/2019 11:00

Say no, the exchange student is going to be away from home in a foreign country and needs to be able to spend time just with a few people and not overwhelmed with lots of different people. If they are missing their family and the house is stuffed to the rafters with your family then that's going to make it harder for them.

bevelino · 08/12/2019 11:08

The exchange student is just 15 and if subjected to an overcrowded house may complain to their parents and school. I would be annoyed if any of my dcs was placed in the situation OP describes.

messolini9 · 08/12/2019 11:10

Can't DH's parents stay at DBIL's house and look after their grandkids?

The GPs are not staff, & OP is not their rota manager.
How would you feel, @pilot12 having arranged to stay with one son, just to be told oh we don't want you to come now, your other son's wife is away, & we want you to stay at his house in sole charge of his kids, as he doesn't fancy parenting & wants yo party all weekend?

AcrobaticCardigan · 08/12/2019 11:11

If you’ve got an exchange student then I don’t think you should have any other overnight guests at all. The family focus should be on the exchange guest. How incredibly uncomfortable for them.

FrostythefeckinSnowman · 08/12/2019 11:11

Good update OP.
You need to learn how to say NO very clearly that doesn’t give the other person an opportunity to grow beat you.
My personal rule if I need to be firm with a cheeky fucker is never to start the sentence with ‘Sorry, but...’

dontalltalkatonce · 08/12/2019 11:36

Stick to it! Don't solve his problem for him. He doesn't want to parent his own kids. Too fucking bad.

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