Son has told me he doesn’t want to visit the graveyard anymore

[eastmeanswestmum]

More of a what should I do?
My mum died while I was pregnant and I was just 21. A few weeks later I had my little boy, every week since he was born we’ve visited the graveyard, every Christmas Day we’ve gone after we’ve opened presents.
He’s been brilliant, he openly talks about her and has always wanted to go see ‘ his granny ‘
He started reception in September, this week he asked me about Christmas Day, I said we will do the same as normal open presents and then go see granny with grandad. I was so so so shocked when he said he didn’t want to go anymore. I didn’t want to pressure him into questions so I kind of just brushed over it, were due to go tomorrow and I don’t know wether to or to leave it ?
What is the best way to approach this?
Obviously going to the graveyard gives me so much comfort- I can’t go on my own as I’m a single mum so finding someone to sit in with 2 little ones so I can go isn’t an option.
But I completely understand if it isn’t appealing for a 4 year old. But do I ask why? Do I encourage him to keep going or do I just leave it and take a break?

[isitxmasyet]

OP you sounds the most loving calm caring mummy any little boy could wish for

Your love for your own mum and your children shines in every word you type

And don’t think for one minute that what you have been doing is wrong. Some posters can’t help but jump straight in and assume it’s been a negative for your son.
It doesn’t sound like that to me at all. It sounds like your little routines are wonderful and the sitting on the bench for a chat and some chocolate sounds just like one of those routines children love and cherish.

I doubt there is anymore to this than the usual way children randomly ask for something different. As they grow up they start to understand they can shape events even simple ones like choosing what they have for tea and learn to assert themselves.
It’s completely normal and those suggesting your son has asked not to go because of any trauma or morbid thoughts are I feel being a bit dramatic.

It all sounds very low key and not at all morbid- there is outpouring of grief when you attend clearly and including your mums memory in your children’s life so they know they have family history is brilliant

I wouldn’t be surprised if your son asks about seeing granny again at some point so if it’s not too upsetting for you not to go then just let it happen again naturally.

But if you find it very difficult not to go then I think it’s fine to pop along with them sometimes.

Happy Xmas to you and your kids.
I can assure you that your mum would be incredibly proud of the woman and mother you are. She must have done a brilliant job in raising you. And she didn’t choose to leave you. Sometimes the demons in people’s head are just too strong to ignore and the effort to stay with the people with love becomes too great. She didn’t abandon you.
Xx

[GunpowderGelatine]

OP you sounds the most loving calm caring mummy any little boy could wish for

Agreed. Perhaps people describing graveyards as "morbid" and "not for kids" should take a leaf from OP's book before they give their own kids a weird complex about death

[Solina]

This is one of those that shows me how different the culture is in UK to where I am from and how different Christmas is seen.

Back home we always go to the cemetary on Christmas to light candles on our loved ones grave. Have done since I was little and no way would I have ever been allowed to not go. Some of the graves were for people I never knew but some are for people I really loved like my grandad, grandma and godfather.

For us Christmas is about remembering those who are no longer with us as well as being with family and having a lovely quiet and calm time. It is no wonder why I prefer Christmas back home over the ones we have in the UK.

I would say you should go on Christmas day. However, I would do a different route for your walks and maybe only go every once in a while through there.

[SoVeryLost]

@Noth1ngtoseehere I agree that you never really get over loosing a parent especially you mum. I lost my mum as a teenager, I’m now in my 30s and I haven’t got over it. At some point you need to live not just survive. DS has visited my DMs grave a handful of times but we talk about her and she lives on in the things we do. The dog walk sounds lovely but if he’s asked not to go on Christmas Day don’t go, go another day during Christmas.

[Otterseatpuffinsdontthey]

q

[RexDangerVest]

Fucking hell people on this thread are harsh! I don't think there is anything wrong in walking by your mums grave on your dog walk and it's certainly not morbid or depressing - kids don't think that way. It's the norm for him and it's a nice thing to do!! My mum died before my kids were born and I don't talk about her really because I find it too hard. I wish my kids knew more about her! If he's not keen to go, reduce visits or make them more brief but don't give up on them! Probably just a phase anyway. I think the idea of lighting a candle for her at home is nice.

[SarahNade]

I agree with Ihavethefinalsleigh, I may have come across as harsh and I didn't mean to however if you can't get over it, what happens? You either sink or swim in life. If she can't get over it and move on, then what happens to her son? A lot of us who have experienced the loss of a parent have compassion for her.

But I/we also have compassion for her son, too. And putting his needs at the front of our minds. She has a little boy to consider, too.

[RexDangerVest]

Back home we always go to the cemetary on Christmas to light candles on our loved ones grave. Have done since I was little and no way would I have ever been allowed to not go. Some of the graves were for people I never knew but some are for people I really loved like my grandad, grandma and godfather.

For us Christmas is about remembering those who are no longer with us as well as being with family and having a lovely quiet and calm time. It is no wonder why I prefer Christmas back home over the ones we have in the UK.

☝🏻 Exactly! OP don't give up on the most important part of your Christmas

[SarahNade]

RexDangerVest You don't seem to understand much about children.

[mrssoap]

I really feel for you. I totally understand why you want to include her in your sons life. Maybe you could compromise? Don't go on Christmas Day, go the day after and instead of once a week maybe go every 2. I don't think it sounds like your pushing it on him but he obviously isn't getting from it what you are. I'm sure your mum would understand ❤️

[captainprincess]

@eastmeanswestmum sorry I've not read the full thread, but most of your comments. I can not imagine losing my mum at such a young age so I am so sorry about that. I think visiting every week is not at all excessive and obviously helps you massively. Like you say, it's not far from home and you can walk there.
Children, are by nature, selfish and especially one as young as your ds will not understand fully what it means to you. Kids have to do things they don't like, it prepares them for life, and it's normal for him to protest!
Do you think someone at school may have said something that has put him off?

[msflibble]

Rex, I disagree. My daughter was close to my mum and took her death really hard. I was open and honest about what death is and she is now quite neurotic about it, and afraid that I will die soon. She regularly says things to me like "I will miss you when you're dead". She doesn't like it when we bring death up. Kids are more sensitive to these things than we realise. I think it's important to be honest and I don't regret doing that, but I also think we shouldn't underestimate a child's ability to be disturbed and frightened by it.

[OutComeTheWolves]

You sound like a lovely mum so please don't think you've been 'doing it wrong' all this time.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you've been doing things. Death is a part of life and the way you've been visiting your mum's grave is just an extension of that. And now your son has indicated he'd like a change in routine and you've listened to him and adapted to that even though it'll be difficult for you.

For what it's worth one of my kids is reception age and they're obsessed by death. Always getting worried about it, looking for loopholes (but when you die you will come back won't you mammy) and checking we're not going to die soon. I think it just seems to be the age that they suddenly realise what death means and it's a lot to get their little heads around.

I quite liked oakmaiden's suggestions of keeping it quite relaxed and just asking him which way he wants to go each day so it's always an option.

[dottiedodah]

I personally find Graveyards depressing .I lost DM 10 years ago at Christmas ,but find myself thinking of her and things she would have enjoyed .We went to a Cathedral the other day .And I felt she would have loved looking at all the things in the shop, and the wonderful Architecture .Your son is only 4, and so probably doesnt really understand it properly .As someone else said, Visit in Schooltime? or chat generally about things she liked ,funny stories etc .This would be more positive for him I think .No one thinks you are a "horrible Mum"BTW!

[GunpowderGelatine]

if you can't get over it, what happens? You either sink or swim in life. If she can't get over it and move on, then what happens to her son?

I dunno @SarahNade he turns into an empathetic man who has a healthy approach to death and sees his mum as a human being who grieves?

There is NOTHING wrong with not "getting over" stuff. You can't force yourself to feel feelings you don't feel and if you do try to suppress how you really feel I'm afraid it's a one way ticket to mental health issues

[GunpowderGelatine]

Bloody bold fail

[GunpowderGelatine]

She has a little boy to consider, too

Yes and making her children spend 5 minutes a week doing stuff they don't exactly love, for the sake of her own emotional needs, won't kill them but might save her

[TabbyMumz]

You go every week to a graveyard? With a young child? I'm sorry but I find that quite depressing. No wonder he doesnt want to go anymore

[GunpowderGelatine]

You go every week to a graveyard? With a young child? I'm sorry but I find that quite depressing. No wonder he doesnt want to go anymore

@TabbyMumz what's wrong with a graveyard?

Honestly British people have a weird attitude to death. You'd be clutching your pearls at what other nationalities do to remember their loved ones.

[GunpowderGelatine]

FFS another bold fail it seems to I do it whenever I post

[Noth1ngtoseehere]

Ditto what on Earth is wrong with a graveyard?

We are all going to die, need to accept that and not be scared by it.

My dad’s graveyard is really lovely, a lovely walk through it, surrounded by nature and quite a positive experience in many ways. I have visited many others similar during years of funeral attending. The one in Denmark I mentioned was really lovely.

It’s such a British thing hiding away from unpleasant things and emotions which is far from healthy.

[GunpowderGelatine]

YY @Noth1ngtoseehere I grew up in a "We Don't Talk About Things That Upset Us" house where I wasn't allowed to go to my grandad's funeral aged 10 despite begging, and it has caused us as a family and me as an individual no end of fucked-up-ness

[SarahNade]

@GunpowderGelatine The problem is that not getting over something IS mental health issues. It causes mental health issues, illness. Getting over something is mental wellness. If she cannot get over it, her son's mental and emotional welfare suffers. It is not healthy for her son at all. As others have said, death can really frighten children. Some people on here just can't seem to get that, and expect children to have the understanding of an adult. They don't. It damages them. It isn't normal for a child to be hanging around a cemetery every week. It's just not healthy for a child and a child like that will not thrive they will be traumatised.

[msflibble]

Sure, the idea of death may not scare you but of course it can frighten a 4 yo. He knows his mummy lost her mummy, have you not considered he is now potentially terrified his mum will die? To be reminded of it each week could be really upsetting him.
It's not reasonable to ascribe adult emotions to kids. Plus I don't care what anyone says about not being afraid of death itself - we are ALL afraid our loved ones will die prematurely, whether or not we personally are at peace with the notion of our own deaths.

[Sparklybaublefest]

Ask him on the day op