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AIBU?

Can we tell them not come for Xmas?

337 replies

Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 21:50

Namechanged. Elderly parents in their 80s, both with mobility problems and dementia. DF's dementia has taken a turn for the worse - he;s got frontal lobe problems which mean he moans out loud a lot of the time, complains constantly, is rude, demanding and whiny.

The expression No Filter could have been invented for both of them. DM is similar, and they fight, but not as deranged as DF.

We are worried that their behaviour - the loud cries of pain (no physical cause, doc says it's attention getting), the fighting, the unfiltered whining - will frighten dcs 16, 18, and 10. It frightens me and DH, and we're both knocking 50.

Can we cancel them? if so, how.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

899 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
45%
You are NOT being unreasonable
55%
Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 22:36

I was trying not to out too much. A lot of people on here don't have experience of dementia, evidently. DF's had a mild form for 25 years, indeed he had it when our lovely GP were still alive. We've done our time with this disease, believe me.

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Muchtoomuchtodo · 06/12/2019 22:36

OP Tell us everything. SS have obviously already identified that there are complex needs. What are they doing about getting they specialist care that he needs?

Fronto temporal dementia is a tough one (not that other forms are easy). What’s your mum’s diagnosis?

If the situation is becoming untenable then he may need to be admitted.

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orangeisnotmycolour · 06/12/2019 22:37

I'd see them in their house on Christmas Eve. Sounds a very difficult situation for you, but I think you need to put your own children first.

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Purplewithred · 06/12/2019 22:37

Flowers. What a bloody awful situation.

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Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 22:37

Talking to SS on Monday. We reckon we can keep them at home for a while. DM is taking second place in the assessment stakes at the mo because she is still sort of functioning on a daily basis.

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BloggersBlog · 06/12/2019 22:38

What an awful dilemma @Tactful10 I real feel for you. Xmas Eve until Boxing Day seems enough imo. You dont want the stress to affect your own family, that isnt selfish. But carers are a must, if they dont have capacity then SS surely have to provide them.
Have you Power of Attorney?

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Honeyroar · 06/12/2019 22:39

How far away are they?

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Pinkyyy · 06/12/2019 22:41

I really feel for you OP, I have been through the trauma that comes along with this. Honestly, they need as much consistency as they can get and 9 days away could have a really negative effect on them. You need to sort something out for them though, it's completely inhumane to leave them as they are.

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QueenArseClangers · 06/12/2019 22:41

Jesus Christ OP. I voted YABU until your other posts about the drinking and behaviour etc.
Are they close enough that you could see them for the afternoon? Flowers

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Muchtoomuchtodo · 06/12/2019 22:41

How far away from you are they?
Face to face meetings are always more productive than phone calls ime with SS.
If you don’t have power of attorney, does your mum still have capacity to sort that out with you? If so that needs sorting urgently.

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ScrimshawTheSecond · 06/12/2019 22:41

To be honest, Xmas sounds like if not the least of your problems then not the largest one right now. Your dad sounds like he really needs to be in care, and it doesn't sound like he's going to be fit enough to stay with you.

It gets to a point where it's not a kindness to allow people to struggle on, even if one thinks keeping them out of a home is the best thing to do. Do you think the SS assessment will recommend residential care?

Forgive me if this is overstepping, but what if your dad was in care over Xmas, could you handle your mum on her own?

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Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 22:41

81 km. Fast drive even w Xmas traffic.

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70isaLimitNotaTarget · 06/12/2019 22:42

Everyone saying "Oh your DC are old enough to understand and teach them some compassion"

Dealing with dementia is hard .

I treat patients with dementia and yes , the shouting, swearing , sudden outbursts indicating pain (when there is no pain stimuli) is difficult . As an adult and they are not a relative .

If I was a teenager and this was a family member it would be 1000x worse to cope with.

Absolutely reduce the time . Can you go over for a couple of days ?
Keep the visit to your house short to reduce the risk of upset and confusion on their part .

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Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 22:43

We've told DM she's more than welcome to stay for as long as she wants if DF can't make the journey, but she won't leave DF even tho Dbro has offered to have him to stay.

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ScrimshawTheSecond · 06/12/2019 22:43

Sorry, to answer your question, yes you can cancel them. Go and see them for a day or so if you want to, make xmas lunch there. Don't have them to your house, doesn't sound like it'll be good for you or them.

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tillytrotter1 · 06/12/2019 22:45

Your children are old enough to understand the situation and should have some empathy with their grandparents. Life isn't perfect is a lesson we all need to learn.

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ICouldBeVotingTactically · 06/12/2019 22:45

PIL lived 5 minutes walk away. In the early years of DFIL's vascular dementia we had them up at our house for a meal on afternoon. He was very well behaved compared to your DF, but in the evening he became completely confused about whose house he was in, and got very distressed about it, so we had to cut the visit short and take them home again. Easy when they were 5 minutes' walk away, far from easy in your circumstances.

Lean on SS. We found our local SS were very savvy when carrying out assessments. Hope theirs are too.

Dementia of any form is an absolute bugger for all concerned.

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Jocasta2018 · 06/12/2019 22:46

Dementia of all kinds can mean a person loses their inhibitions.
I've been sexually assaulted by a male dementia patient - grabbing my breasts and bottom whilst complementing me on them. And I'm talking about a man who would not have dreamed of any such action in his pre-dementia state & would be mortified to know about his behaviour.
I'd say that the DF's advances to your DS's girlfriend could be a part of that.
I think moving your parents out of their home will worsen all their behaviours and if you can visit them instead, it might be better for you all.
Best of luck, it's a shitty place to be in.

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Honeyroar · 06/12/2019 22:47

I agree- 9 days is much too long for a dementia patient to be away from home. Even a couple of days could make them worse. They’d be better off at home with a stack of Xmas food and you guys visiting a couple of times.

Fingers crossed that social services can help somehow. They did tell my mil with dementia that she needed to accept carers.

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Tactful10 · 06/12/2019 22:47

@70isaLimitNotaTarget - thanks so much, your skills and experience are really, really helpful. Virtue-signalling is a MN inevitable, hey ho.

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lalafafa · 06/12/2019 22:47

Your children are old enough to cope ,Shorten their stay.

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Barsh · 06/12/2019 22:47

I think a lot of people on here have no experience of dementia. I remember the first Christmas that my sister and I decided not to have mum for Christmas but leave her in the specialist home she was in. The guilt and the relief.

I’d agree Christmas is the least of your problems.

Go see them, don’t stay, being out of own environment unlikely to make it any easier for you or them.

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ScrimshawTheSecond · 06/12/2019 22:54

I've watched caring for a parent with dementia absolutely ravage people. It wasn't the 'best thing' for said parent to be at home, in the end. She needed 24 hour care, not two exhausted people in their sixties trying to keep it together.

In the end, it wasn't safe. It was the kindest decision (for everyone) to have her cared for in a residential home. I wish they'd let go of the idea that being in her own home was best, and agreed to the care earlier, it would have been so much better all round.

Not sure if you're at that point, OP, but bear in mind we all have guilt about doing the right thing, sometimes that makes it harder to see the most sensible, practical and loving solution.

Sending you all the best, hope things are resolved for you soon.

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Kahlua4me · 06/12/2019 22:55

Have you had any psychiatric involvement recently? Sounds as though they both need a thorough psych assessment and plan. You can contact their local community psychiatric service and ask for help. They would especially be able to assess your dad as can look at the whole picture.

As for this Christmas, would you be able to go to them for a few days leading up to Christmas, perhaps staying in a hotel nearby and then you could leave them a lovely hamper of food and have a quit Christmas at home. Yes, we all want to look after our parents when they get old but sadly it isn’t always possible and you have to do what is right for everybody.

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Topseyt · 06/12/2019 22:56

I don't think your posts are horrible. I think they are a cry for help.

My only real experience of dementia was many years ago with DH's grandmother, who had Alzheimer's Disease. It was awful, and she quickly needed nursing home care.

I would think that 9 days away from home is far too long. It might be better if they remained in their own home. Would it be better if you visited them for a short time on Christmas Eve and then just going home and having Christmas with your own family?

Keep up pressure on SS to get their assessment done. Help is urgently needed here, and I hope you are able to get it.

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