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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Utterly furious with friend - child sickness bug

106 replies

Dontpaintitgrey · 06/12/2019 10:17

I posted on here previously about this bad got a mixed response but we have had another incidence. I need to know what to do!

Good Mum friend and my DC go to same childminder. Back in Oct I went to do drop off and C minder tells me ‘oh no friend’s DC this morn, they have a sickness bug, I had to say I’m flexible on coughs and colds not sickness’ well of course. Messages friend to say hope DC feeling better soon and she gave me a run down of bug and told me she was still retching up but nothings in tummy so this was just bile, loose nappies but didn’t know if that was teething (to be fair my DC has lots of loose nappies generally too due to teething).

Didn’t expect to see her that week but lo and behold she was there at drop off the following day. I must have looked suprised so friend said to me of no C minder said I could bring her as she hadn’t been sick since the early early hours of the previous night. Ermmm well that’s not what you told me she was still being sick at 9:30am apparently. So barely 24hrs and she was back in.

Lo and behold my DC was sick the following day with a temp and lo and behold I came down the following day, pretty convinced it was Noro V as I had the shivers and ached all over like with flu. DC recovered pretty quickly but I was vomiting and bum ill for well over 48 hrs, and knocked for 6 for 7 days. I’ve only just started a new job as well.

We decided to say something to the C minder, chickened our abs did it via txt, but in a roundabout way told her that Friend poss stretched the truth and would it be better to stick to the 48hr rule as we’d been so ill and it was more difficult for us to take time off - I’ve just started a new job and DH is self employed. I know where not allowed to make assumptions about other people’s circumstances on here. But friend’s DP is a salaried employee at the family firm - he can well take a few days of to look after his sick child!!!!!!! Anyway C minder said she would ‘keep all this in mind’ we couldn’t decided whether that was a brush off or not.

Anyway fast forward to this week I met friend for a wander round the Xmas markets last night and she tells me what a rough wk they’ve had as DC was being sick again on Sun night and early Mon morning, had a bit of a raised temp but they called doctors triage and they said it was teething Confused but then our c minder had called her on Weds morning to ask of this was a normal nappy for her (c minder obviously didn’t think it was normal) as it looked like tail end of a tummy bug!!!!!! Yeah no shit! Excuse the pun!

Lo and behold my DC has been sick in the night and again this morning. Raised temp. And before anyone says he could have picked it up anywhere he’s not been anywhere but home, the car and the childminders since last Sat so given the incubation period is 48 hrs I think we know where he got it from!!!!

I am so, so pissed off! I mean does my friend really not see it’s a bug (supposed being told that by triage didn’t help) but why would you rung triage about a tummy bug and slightly raised temp and otherwise ok child. Is she really that daft!! She was in complete denial it was a bug last time - stood talking to me saying ‘oh just one of those things, I don’t think it’s a bug’.

What do I say to the childminder to get her be tougher on this?

OP posts:
Mummy1232016 · 06/12/2019 11:52

I’ve come to realise it’s just one of those things that are going to happen in nurseries/childminders.
I see a lot of people have difficulties with parents sending children in with d&v however many don’t seem to have a problem with a cough and a cold. My daughter has lung problems and those coughs and colds put her in hospital for weeks at a time. I’ve politely made parents aware about her condition, however we’ve just done another 3 week stint and Parents were informed about why she was absent. It’s just one of those things I have to accept. If my daughter isn’t well, whatever it is, I keep her off and I do wish everyone else would do the same, but the reality is, we can shout it from the rooftops, but it won’t happen x

Beveren · 06/12/2019 11:54

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland and they’re being seriously condemned for it, it’s not because the rule is irrelevant it’s because schools are so protective over their attendance levels - that’s a whole other thread though.

That doesn't account for the fact that secondary schools who have abolished the 48 hour rule have found that it doesn't make sickness rates worse?

christmassymcchristmas · 06/12/2019 11:56

@MyCatHatesEverybody I blinking well snorted then Grin

Original poster
Dontpaintitgrey · 06/12/2019 12:15

@BlaueLagune read the thread!!! I’ve said I would have some sympathy (marginal) if this was the case but her DP works for his family business, can do what he likes, he could easily take time of with his child so wouldn’t fall to my friend.

And yep, but it’s all about context. This could potentially have been avoided. If any effort had been made.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontpaintitgrey · 06/12/2019 12:17

@BlaueLagune altho do agree with the broader point re employers to some extent - again a whole other thread.

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 06/12/2019 12:22

I'm a childminder and it is extremely difficult, people will pass off anything as teething and they don't tell you before they turn up at your door that their child has been sick, then it's too late, other kids are already exposed.
People also always stretch the truth about the last time their children are sick. They think they are convincing but they're not.
I have a child atm who has a gut wrenching cough, apparently that a back tooth Hmm. They don't need to stay at home because of a cough obviously, but it's not teething!

Thestrangestthing · 06/12/2019 12:24

It's also amazing that even with my 48 hour policy, kids are never off for anymore than 48 hours. They are never sick more than once or twice.

christmassymcchristmas · 06/12/2019 12:28

@Thestrangestthing every time my eldest has been sick it has been once only. He's 8

andpancakesforbreakfast · 06/12/2019 12:32

Your kid is going to catch stuff, you have to accept that and stop looking for someone to blame.

what a ridiculous comment. Of course if you bring someone contagious others are likely to catch it, if they had kept the child home there wouldn't be anything to catch!

Of course the selfish inconsiderate twat of a parent is to blame! If you unknowingly spread bugs and germs, that's life. If you willingly do it, you absolutely are to blame!

Why do you think hospitals are telling people with D&V to stay well away? (unless genuine emergency obviously).

SunshineCake · 06/12/2019 12:39

I wouldn't be trying to change the CM mind but would give her notice and remove my child immediately. I'd drop the non friend too.

Span1elsRock · 06/12/2019 12:45

Change your childminder. Seriously. She knows the 48 hour rule, and chooses to ignore it.

But this is part of having your kids looked after, my DD used to work in a day nursery and in the end, she had to give the job up. She's got a heart condition, and was permanently unwell from kids coming in with illnesses.

I can't get my head around anyone who sends a poorly child anywhere..... it's horribly selfish.

Jellybeansincognito · 06/12/2019 12:53

look for a new childminder, you shouldn’t have to tell a CM how to do their job properly.
It’s a concern.

MinTheMinx · 06/12/2019 13:01

You're being a bit harsh on the childminder as she could very well have not been given all the facts.

I regularly have parents bring children who seem fine at first but are in fact dosed up with Calpol.

IdblowJonSnow · 06/12/2019 13:05

Yanbu.
My childminder is much stricter than this. School is 48 hours rather than 24, should they not be following same guidelines?
I'd say if it happens again look for a new one and make it clear yours not happy about it.
And I'd also be saying something to your 'friend'. Its just not on.

DollySparks · 06/12/2019 13:06

lo and behold!

Isleepinahedgefund · 06/12/2019 13:22

Sadly this is only too common. I know one uncommonly stupid woman who thinks it's funny to send her kids in when they've been vomiting in the night/that morning. She's a SAHM!

I also know someone who sent her kid in with chicken pox because, well, you can't tell she's got it because no spots on her face..... so bloody selfish!

andpancakesforbreakfast · 06/12/2019 13:30

You have to feel the most sorry for the kids - they are being dragged out of their home to be left with strangers, other kids and chaos despite feeling awful. Because their parents don't care enough to look after them or plan anything. It's shit if you feel about it.

Would the parents drag themselves to work after vomiting all night? Bet most wouldn't! And anyway when they are so little, they shouldn't be treated like that.

Juliette20 · 06/12/2019 13:32

Childminder should be strict with illness but with the best will in the world, she may have had the wool pulled over her eyes by the parent.

EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2019 13:33

I'm on the opposite side to most on this, I see. And most people I know are too. I'm in Ireland, and it seems (from reading MN) that the 48hour rule and similar is applied way more rigorously in the UK (by parents, schools, nurseries) than it is here.

I know that advice is broadly sound, but here, it's definitely not such a big deal, and decisions are made much more on the basis of how a child is in themselves. (Not saying that is necessarily always the best way).

I think YABVU. Children get sick. They do. And they can get sick in a myriad of ways, even when they have only been to certain places. You just can't exclude sickness like that. Often there can be bugs doing the rounds that children can catch, coincidentally, because, especially at this time of year, bugs are everywhere.

I can't get over this emphasis on blaming someone for getting your child sick! I have never thought that about anyone, and never heard anyone else say it either.

That being said, I wouldn't bring an unwell child to school / someone's house and would think carefully about going to school after illness, but on the basis of the child's condition and presentation, not necessarily 48 hours.

I also think that you cannot dictate what people should do based on your knowledge of their working conditions. Whether what you say about the dad or not, it is absolutely none of your business.

Memoriesmemories · 06/12/2019 13:41

I was counting the lo and beholds!

maybebabyagain · 06/12/2019 13:41

Why would any decent parent send an ill child to a childminder/nursery/school?? Imagine how shit they must feel poor things

RagamuffinAndFidget · 06/12/2019 13:42

The 48 hour rule is a royal pain in the neck and I have complained about it many times - kids are often completely well in themselves by the second day and therefore climbing the walls with boredom.

However.

I have a child with Type 1 diabetes and something like a V&D bug (even a mild one) could land him in hospital. The same is true of all children with low immunity, for whatever reason, or those with medical conditions which mean they will be affected more seriously. It's not just a couple of days off school for those kids, it could literally be life and death.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 06/12/2019 13:46

You just can't exclude sickness like that. Often there can be bugs doing the rounds that children can catch, coincidentally, because, especially at this time of year, bugs are everywhere.

you can and you should.
Schools around here have had to close for several days to do a deep clean - or when they just ran out of staff! because of D&V. It might not have been that bad if parents had follow the rules, but as it is, we know there are always some who didn't and can clearly be blamed for that.

So tell your boss your child has an unexpected 3 days off you need to stay home...

Vulpine · 06/12/2019 13:47

I cant get too worked up about this. Bugs are bugs. Its almost impossible to avoid them especially if you have kids

LL83 · 06/12/2019 14:03

Your friend is being unreasonable and I would fall out over it. Next time your friend says child is I'll say "child better not be at childminder for at least 48 hours we have caught sickness bug after you twice and my new work are not happy"

Childminder challenged her about nappy second time so sounds like she is trying to set boundaries but if your friend lies it is difficult.