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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be married before having a baby

70 replies

BooFuckingHoo2 · 05/12/2019 20:31

I am late 20s and single so time is not exactly on my side Grin

I’m also a reasonably high earner and plan to continue working so I wouldn’t be doing it for financial reasons.

Growing up I was always very set on the idea of marriage then babies but over the past couple of years I’ve seen lots of my friends who are great, independent women having babies before getting married.

It makes me wonder am I being ridiculously old fashioned by holding onto this idea of wanting a “piece of paper” commitment before having a baby?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 05/12/2019 20:33

Do whatever is right for you, and you are a bit unreasonable to say time ‘is not on your side’ Hmm, I enjoyed 12 very happy married years before having a baby at 42 (by choice).

Illeana · 05/12/2019 20:33

YANBU, it’s your life and is entirely up to you. Some people want the security of marriage. Some have religious reasons. Some don’t want to upset older relatives. Some just like the idea of being traditional. Your friends can do what they like - you do what you like.

Seasword · 05/12/2019 20:34

Take it from one who has been there, it is always better to be married before starting a family.
Life often takes a swerve and despite plans to the contrary, you could end up dependant on your DP.

Janice88 · 05/12/2019 20:38

married or not married, KNOW the guy really well before having a baby.

BigFatLiar · 05/12/2019 20:39

If that's your preference go with it, nothing wrong with that view.

BeachComber1 · 05/12/2019 20:40

A marriage cert isn’t just a piece of paper, it’s a legal contract that protects the most vulnerable person, should the marriage end.

I would never consider a child without the protection of marriage.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 05/12/2019 20:40

Yeah I wanted to wait too, but you have loads of time, I met my now DH when I was 33 I think, married at 36 maybe and we had DS 16 months after the wedding. He's now 15 months, I'm 38 and we're starting to consider another child in the next year, tons of time for you!!

Biancadelrioisback · 05/12/2019 20:41

It's entirely yours and your partner's choice. There is no "have to"

Scarlettpixie · 05/12/2019 20:43

Do whatever you feel is right for you. I met DS dad at 28 and we married when I was 30. DS was born when I was 34. You still have time on your side to find someone you want to marry. I think if I had got to 35 without finding that someone I might have considered becoming a mum on my own. I always knew I wanted a baby (more than a husband) Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/12/2019 20:45

If you plan to give up work I'd make sure I was independently wealthy or married.

Longfacenow · 05/12/2019 20:48

Time is on your side (unless you have a fertility issue).

Also I think anecdotally lots of people get engaged, pregnant and married all in a short space of time.

Bluerussian · 05/12/2019 20:48

You do what is right for you. As long as you have a decent partner, your child or children will be secure but there are added securities for you and your partner in being married so certainly don't rule it out.

I think you've got at least a couple of years yet before taking the plunge.

Good luck.

managedmis · 05/12/2019 20:50

Comes down to money at the end of the day.

PapayaCoconut · 05/12/2019 20:50

I've cohabited twice but after that I decided that I would never move in with someone again unless marriage and a family (in that order!) was on the cards. I was honest about that with DH (didn't bring it up on our first date or anything, but when we started talking about the future) and he completely understood and respected my preferences. We got engaged and moved in together when I was 30, married at 31, first baby at 32. But we were always on the same page and he was always quite family oriented. It's part of the culture where he comes from, which I think helps. Many British men are either scared of commitment or seem to think it's part of their role as men to pretend they don't want it.

Graphista · 05/12/2019 20:53

I took the same stance.

I'm divorced now, I'm glad I c

Graphista · 05/12/2019 21:01

Gah phone issues..:

I'm glad I did because when it came to it I needed that protection. It didn't have a huge benefit for me but it did make certain things easier.

Not being married especially if you go part time or become a Sahm is foolish in my opinion.

Not just in case of your splitting but if your partner becomes incapacitated or dies the latter 2 can actually be much worse to deal with if you're not married.

NaviSprite · 05/12/2019 21:21

What @Janice88 said, make sure you know them - as best you can, that I think is most important. Marriage can happen after children, it did for me and DH because we were just about saved up for our small wedding when I found out I was pregnant with my twins, chose to spend the money we’d scraped together on buying the essentials they would need and then got a quick registry office wedding sorted when they were a few weeks old and in NICU - partially funded by my Mum as a gift.

Do what is right for you OP Smile

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 05/12/2019 22:44

Time not on your side, janey mackers.

Kokeshi123 · 05/12/2019 23:18

Either get married before having a baby, or have a baby by yourself, for yourself, based on the assumption that you will be a single mother and will be providing for the child yourself. Either is a valid choice.

What's not a good idea is to form a relationship with a guy who won't commit, have a baby with him and then become the primary parent at home. A very high percentage of those relationships break up.

It sounds like this is not what you are thinking about, however, and that you are basically thinking in terms of "Single mother by choice" which as I say is completely valid as long as you go into it prepared and with your eyes open. I know a couple of single mothers by choice (sperm donor) and they find motherhood hard but rewarding. Their kids are well adjusted children with no "issues" who are doing well at school etc.

zsazsajuju · 05/12/2019 23:30

How is “time not on your side” in your late 20s! Lol. Why are you in such a hurry? Never mind marriage- what about a home, steady job, financial security? Do you have those?

CountYourRoosters · 05/12/2019 23:34

Yanbu... of course it's your choice to want to be married first. Just bear in mind, things don't always work out the way we plan so you may have to compromise. And late 20s is plenty of time. I got married at 35, had first child at 37, am pregnant with second now at 39

CharlotteMD · 06/12/2019 04:00

If you are a high earner and or have property in your name then marriage puts all , or a substantial part of that, at risk. And nearly half of all marriages end in divorce so be careful.

nanbread · 06/12/2019 04:45

Having a conversation or 10 about how the family dynamic will work, the sort of parents you want to be and what expectations you have in terms of responsibilities, childcare, work etc is really important before you have a baby imo. More important than marriage I'd say.

Personally I think marriage is a good idea before having DC as it involves thinking about and then making a commitment to one another, and I think it makes me want to work harder at getting through the bad times together - having a baby puts a lot of stress on a relationship. But I'm sure lots of people won't agree.

Preggosaurus9 · 06/12/2019 05:16

No it's not about money. Registry office on a weekday is under £200. More people need to know that. There is no shame in it

I think DC before or without marriage is utterly insane. Marriage doesn't cure anything but it's a good start in figuring out if your partner actually wants to be tied to you for life, which is what DC require..

PlushPlush · 06/12/2019 06:17

Some other reasons to get married before ttc:

Wedding planning is time consuming - much easier when you're not also looking after a baby

Wedding planning is stressful - stress is bad during pregnancy

Weddings are expensive - when you have a baby you'll be less likely to want (or be able to) to spend money on a wedding

If you're not pregnant you can drink plenty of bubbly at your wedding (& the hen do too!)

You look nicer in the photos - Having kids messes up your body, most women never get back to their pre-pregnancy weight/shape

Same surname already - saves arguments about what the baby will be called

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