To want to be married before having a baby

[BooFuckingHoo2]

I am late 20s and single so time is not exactly on my side

I’m also a reasonably high earner and plan to continue working so I wouldn’t be doing it for financial reasons.

Growing up I was always very set on the idea of marriage then babies but over the past couple of years I’ve seen lots of my friends who are great, independent women having babies before getting married.

It makes me wonder am I being ridiculously old fashioned by holding onto this idea of wanting a “piece of paper” commitment before having a baby?

If you are a high earner, then unless you and potential husband are similar I most certainly wouldn't get married. The realistic position is that if you marry and partner earns a lot less or less assets, then if something goes wrong (50%) then under the divorce laws in this country, you will be utterly filleted financially and have an astronomical bill for lawyers.

Oh and I'm happily married but sick of seeing it happen to people I know or friends with.

I got married before I had children, and I had always intended to be. Still together after almost 20 years, yes there have been some ups and downs and disagreements during that time.

In hindsight I think that my need to be married prior to having children had a fair bit to do with a lot of judgmental attitudes towards myself and my mother. 70’s child so single parenthood was not particularly common and certainly not embraced by wider society.

That said I know some amazing single parents (although it is very hard work) and also some amazing married and unmarried but committed couples. As well as some quite crappy parents in each of these situations. You have plenty of time for children. Do what you feel is the best option for your future child. That’s what is most important.

Marie, that might be true if after DC OP remains full time and maintains or increases her earnings, relative to her partner’s. Many of us - before DC doing v well - haven’t achieved this due to our partners and the “motherhood penalty”

I don't think you ABU. So much depends on the relationship, though. A dd didn't marry until after the first baby, but there was never any question that they'd do it eventually, it was just timing, too much else going on.

What I would be wary of is a case where the woman would really like to get married but her DP is anti, so often saying 'It's just a piece of paper.'

It may mean they just don't want to commit, at least not to that person. I know of a couple of cases where it was 'just a piece of paper' for years - until he met someone else, was off and married very soon after.
He just didn't want to commit to the former partner.

I’m 30, pregnant and unmarried but the way I see it is marriage can wait, my biological clock can’t!

I have a friend in her late 20s who ideally wanted to be married etc before babies however she said if she was not in a stable relationship by the time she was 40 she would get a sperm donor and do it herself. Her mum brought her up extremely well by herself so has an amazing role model. This woman would be an amazing mum with or without male input

Thanks all

I would personally be very sceptical even if I knew I was “going to marry” the man as I’ve seen so many women I know get sold that story, then three kids later they still aren’t married, they split up and he goes and marries the next woman!

In my heart I feel there is no way I am going to sacrifice my body for a man who won’t even marry me. I take long acting contraception so hopefully the risk of accident is minimal.

Another thing worth noting is as I mentioned in my OP I am a reasonably high earner and own my own home with a significant amount of equity. Does this mean I’m going to potentially get stung in a divorce? I can see why this would put some women off....

Getting married doesn't take particularly long. You don't have to have a five year engagement and mega wedding. We got married in a beautiful, historic registry office. It was lovely and didn't take long to organise.

Yes, it's funny how it's "just a piece of paper" to some men... so unimportant, so irrelevant... but yet still important enough for them to fight tooth and nail against getting that nothingy little bit of paper

It’s just a piece of paper, to the party that has most to lose from the arrangement.

Do what you like OP

@Loopytiles

Marie, that might be true if after DC OP remains full time and maintains or increases her earnings, relative to her partner’s. Many of us - before DC doing v well - haven’t achieved this due to our partners and the “motherhood penalty”

Females high earners pre babies tend to stay as high earners. Yes some give up or cut down but generally they continue

Yes divorce guidelines judges have developed around financial settlements are now less onerous than they used to be in the higher earner, ie spousal maintenance has reduced dramatically and I know generally MN applaud it as women tend to be the one gaining. However read from the women that get filleted from it and boy do they feel hard done to, especially when they end up working, looking after the kids and supporting a frequently lazy tower of an ex!!

@MarieG10 this is a major factor in me wanting to settle down with a fellow high earner (probably why I’m single)

It will mean something if you and your children are going to be financially dependant on him.

You're being smart.

YANBU but neither are they.
Me and DP are having our first baby, we've been together for 10 years and while we're engaged we have no date set or plan in place to get married any time soon.
He's more keen on marriage than I am, so I'm not particularly worried about it. We mostly haven't bothered to get married because it's gonna be a hassle to organize and neither of us are planning on a big wedding.
To each their own, really. Not everyone wants to get married, but you do you if its important to you.

However read from the women that get filleted from it and boy do they feel hard done to, especially when they end up working, looking after the kids and supporting a frequently lazy tower of an ex!!

And this is the issue for someone in your position OP.

I totally understand your preference, to date someone earning similar. I met dp when we were both on about 25k. My career has rocketed in those 2 years, his hasnt. Unless DP was taking a hit to his career, to raise a child of ours. I wouldn't marry.

However, if you AND your potential partner arent making that sacrifice you really need to look at wether marriage is worth it for you.

You also need to look at how likely that man is to take days off, work from home when your child is ill (for example). You both need to carry the burden of these things so neither career is damaged top much

I do have to say though, in regards to women who are high earners complaining about their lazy husbands then getting a big chunk money in a divorce, that we only here one side. For years men have complained about how little their ex wives did, how lazy they wer, how shit their parenting waa, then got a big pay out in divorce.

The worlds changing and as more women become high earners, more will have to pay a 'fair share' in divorce.

On your position, I would only marry if you meet and fall in love with a similarly earning man, who you are confident doesnt think his career is more important and takes on half of childcare.

If both earn well or kids and one is going to go part time or be a sahp, then marrige is a good idea to protect the one taking the hit.

@MsRomanoff

On your position, I would only marry if you meet and fall in love with a similarly earning man, who you are confident doesnt think his career is more important and takes on half of childcare.

Yes I would agree. Make dam sure he is a decent earner with assets so you are something similar. At last that way you will have some more reassurance he isn't a cocklodger

A fair few of my friends have developed into high earners. Some were with their partners before but in most cases their careers have progressed together. The single ones have rightly been very careful with potential partners as it was totally obvious what some were after and sex wasn't number 1!

@BooFuckingHoo2 - if you are a higher earner or have more assets than your partner it makes sense not to get married. There are lots of women on here in that position who lost their financial security because they married men who earned less (despite in some cases being the main child carer). I narrowly missed being filleted on divorce because I didn’t marry. I’m now in a much better financial position as is my dds and my family (my ex obviously isn’t but he’s not in poverty and in my view he is an adult and can take care of himself).

Also as for the pp who says that marriage means you have the same surname - em no it doesn’t! If you want the same surname when unmarried you can have it. If you want different names when married, fine.

Some women on MN are living in the past.

Absolutely YANBU. It's one of my biggest regrets - I had a child with my ex (who kept promising the wedding once we'd had the baby, once this was done, once that was complete, you get the drift) and I blindly listened. He had no intentions of ever getting married. Apparently the commitment was too much (personally I think having a child with someone is more commitment, but there we go).

I have been left in financial ruin with minimal security whilst he swans off to his 50k a year job with his children (yes plural, he pulled the wool over his ex girlfriends eyes with the same spiel as me) EOW.

I wouldn't have another child anyway but it had been young enough (I'm 35 now) and less of a shell of a person after it I'd have loved another child. But I would never, ever do it without the commitment of marriage first. Biggest lie my ex told me was that he would get a will, draw up financial arrangements, make sure I was secure, blah blah blah. It's bullshit. I'm sure there are some very noble men and women who stick to arrangements like this without complication but in my experience I've seen too many men fool women into thinking it'll be okay before leaving them high and dry.