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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be married before having a baby

70 replies

BooFuckingHoo2 · 05/12/2019 20:31

I am late 20s and single so time is not exactly on my side Grin

I’m also a reasonably high earner and plan to continue working so I wouldn’t be doing it for financial reasons.

Growing up I was always very set on the idea of marriage then babies but over the past couple of years I’ve seen lots of my friends who are great, independent women having babies before getting married.

It makes me wonder am I being ridiculously old fashioned by holding onto this idea of wanting a “piece of paper” commitment before having a baby?

OP posts:
MsRomanoff · 06/12/2019 06:23

It depends on the situation.

Will the father be giving up work or taking the hit to their career, working part time etc?

I am a highish earner. Me and dp have talked about TTC. Neither ofbusvstop work or reduce working so I dont really, see the point in marrying.

Potentially, we could get married, then divorced and I would end up having to give dp half the house and spousal support.

If he was to to part time or be a sahp, as he was negatively impacted his own career then I would marry him as I feel he woild be entitled to the protections it brings.

But while we dont have kids and/or we both work I wouldn't put my finances at risk.

OccasionalNachos · 06/12/2019 06:26

Same surname already - saves arguments about what the baby will be called

OK...

CountFosco · 06/12/2019 06:30

Same surname already - saves arguments about what the baby will be called

DH and I were married for years before we had DC. Neither of us changed our name on marriage or when the DC were born. We're not all English and obsessed with women changing their name on marriage.

Loopytiles · 06/12/2019 06:31

You’re being sensible.

Unless your unmarried friends are very wealthy, or still work full time and make no work compromises their DPs don’t make, they’re financially vulnerable in a way their DPs aren’t.

Working FT after DC, and retaining a good job and progressing can be hard IME, even with a well paid job and a partner sharing the domestic work and parenting. The “motherhood penalty” at work is real. Unless perhaps you have high, local family support, which is unusual.

reluctantlondoner · 06/12/2019 06:33

Absolutely YANBU. I think it's better if possible to be married pre-kids. It gives you that security of knowing you are fully committed to each other before you take that huge life changing step of having a baby. Do you have a partner? There are loads of reasons why it's better to be married before having a baby which pp have covered (inheritance tax is one that hasn't been mentioned yet!) and the most important one for you is that you want to be. If you went ahead and had a baby without being married it would never feel right to you and would be a bone of contention in your relationship going forward which is never a good plan with a baby coming into the mix. Whilst I agree that you do have some time, late 20s doesn't mean you have loads and loads of time if you need to find a partner?, get engaged, get married, TTC, have the baby... all that can easily take a few years... and if you're feeling ready to have a baby now then you're not going to want to wait until you are 42!

FilthyforFirth · 06/12/2019 06:37

For me personally I wouldnt dream of having a baby without both being married and a home owner. I got maried at 31 and had DS at 32. I would wait in your shoes.

missyoumuch · 06/12/2019 06:47

YANBU. It may work for some people but in my case, if my partner wouldn't publicly and legally commit to me then there was no way I would feel comfortable getting pregnant by him. What's the point of having a baby before marriage just because your friends have done it - this is your life and your family at the end of the day.

Don't underestimate how much of a hit to your career having a baby can be. Several of my previously very high achieving career orientated friends have ended up SAHMs for various reasons and without being married that would have been a massive risk for them.

BasiliskStare · 06/12/2019 06:56

Personally I like marriage. However , it isn't the be all and end all , if you ( assuming you & DP are committed to each other & want to stay together ) what I would say is that get wills , guardianship of any children , who gets any pension rights, property etc etc sorted out. Also POA. This last won't be sorted by marriage but I do think that ( and many people don't want the one piece of paper to say you are married ) but there are other pieces of paper it would be very sensible to put in place if you are not married.

That said - if you want to be married before children -28 is too early ( I think - not being in possession of the facts ) to worry about missing the boat already

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/12/2019 07:13

I wouldn’t have had mine outside of marriage.

It wasn’t about money as I’m capable of earning my own but I wanted a stable base as possible for them. Far too easy to just walk away if not married.

helpmum2003 · 06/12/2019 07:20

You need to think very carefully about what your financial situation would be if you had a baby before marriage. If you sacrifice your career to any degree your ability to support yourself after any break down of a relationship is affected. Marriage protects you. Many people don't understand the effect a child has on your career until it happens.

Time wise you have plenty of time.

If you intend to do it alone you need a lot of savings behind you to do it comfortably.

IWantADifferentName · 06/12/2019 07:21

YANBU but in your late twenties, you still have lots of time ahead of you.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 06/12/2019 07:33

YANBU. The research shows that [https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.economist.com/special-report/2017/11/23/why-would-be-parents-should-choose-to-get-married marriage still matters] and gives relationships a foundation of stability for children. It's also a legal protection and an efficient means of pooling resources.

It's OK for it to matter to you. I'm not religious, but I would not have had DC without marriage, because I was not going to take on the enormous challenge and vulnerability of children unless with someone who was prepared to commit to me as fundamentally as I committed to them.

Roselilly36 · 06/12/2019 07:38

I agree OP, I wouldn’t have wanted to have children without being married either.

meditrina · 06/12/2019 07:43

You're being neither reasonable nor unreasonable

Neither are they.

There are very important differences between marriage and cohabitation. It is very important that people know what these are, and make an active choice about what arrangement they want.

That doesn't mean there is one 'right' way to do it. And the only 'wrong' way is to sleepwalk into something (whatever that 'something' is) instead of making a proper choice.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 06/12/2019 08:10

I wasn’t married before my first nor were most people I know. But I was with someone I knew I would marry. It’s not better or worse either way to be honest. You are with who you are with - if you don’t need the financial security i don’t really think it’s such a big deal.

Emmacb82 · 06/12/2019 08:12

I had a baby before we got married purely because I was in my mid 30s and I wanted more than one child and had no idea how long that journey would take. Financially, this has proved to be the harder way round to do things, but on the other hand it was lovely to have our little boy there on our special day. I hated having a different name so it’s lovely now to be all the same. And now number 2 is on the way so it’s all worked out well.
It doesn’t really matter which way round you do it. Just make sure you are with the right person to have a baby with as that is a much bigger commitment than marriage!

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/12/2019 09:03

I agree it is best to marry before children. I also agree time is not on your side being late 20s and no husband on the horizon. Fertility is more of a problem than people think. They all think they will be the lucky one and can wait another decade. I know many couples who waited until mid30s, then spent a lot of years and tears on IVF and have now mid40s given up on children.

reluctantlondoner · 06/12/2019 10:06

Agree with @PlanDeRaccordement re: fertility. I know a lot of people in their 30s who are having difficulties. Obviously you never know and everyone also has that friend who miraculously got pregnant after only three months of trying age 41 but there are a lot of less happy endings and a lot of emotional, physical and financial heartache on the road to a much-longer for baby. Give yourself plenty of time if you possibly can as you never know what your journey will look like xx

crosspelican · 06/12/2019 10:24

*A marriage cert isn’t just a piece of paper, it’s a legal contract that protects the most vulnerable person, should the marriage end.

I would never consider a child without the protection of marriage.*

This a billion times over. It is NOT empowering or modern to have children first. Just read the billion threads on here along the lines of "DP and I have 2 children and I'm pregnant again. I always assumed we'd get married when he was ready. Now he says he doesn't believe in marriage and never wants to marry me. My name is not on the mortgage either - I didn't think this would be a problem. Have been a SAHM for 8 years. Is this bad?"

The relationship breakdown stats for UNMARRIED couples with children Vs MARRIED couples with children should be enough to convince you that you should get married first.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 06/12/2019 10:30

You aren't being unreasonable if marriage is important to you.

And I say that as someone who has never bothered marrying my partner of 29 years and whose children are now in their 20s.

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 06/12/2019 10:34

Not unreasonable at all. Unless you project your views on to others' choices and you don't seem to.
We had two before we got married. Being married is important to me now. It's a lovely feeling. But it's not for everyone, I know.

PizzaExpressWoking · 06/12/2019 10:35

YANBU.

If someone is worth having a baby with then they ought to be worth marrying. The other parent is going to be a factor in your life for a good 18 years or more anyway. My question would be: why NOT get married first?

Annasgirl · 06/12/2019 10:41

Well done OP on knowing yourself so well in your 20's. I too would never have had children without marriage - and I came of age when everyone wanted to be cool and live together and not marry. But I always believed if someone didn't love me enough to public show it, then they did not love me enough to have a child with me. And believe me, having children tests your relationship to the max, so only be with someone you can have this discussion with. And never, ever, settle for a man who says marriage is just a piece of paper and love is enough - he is not the man for you, wait for a better one.
Obviously if you have no interest in getting married, that is different but if this is your line in the sand (and it was mine) then don't compromise on it.

Autumntoowet · 06/12/2019 10:45

I am a great independent woman 😁
I also like to have things organised and on paper. On top of that I was a EU citizen back when we were talking children.
I did not want a big wedding but I wanted to be parried before children. We did a registry wedding with a couple of friends and went for lunch at a restaurant.
I feel a lot more secure and I am very happy we did it that way.

Being married takes away 0 of my independence. It makes my life a lot easier and more secure on paper, and for my children.

Autumntoowet · 06/12/2019 10:45

Parried? Married!