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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to introduce kids to MIL new boyfriend

60 replies

Dory17 · 04/12/2019 21:21

I'm probably being unreasonable. Just after some opinions really and how you would go about this.. I'll try not to ramble but there's a lot to this Hmm

MIL got remarried shortly after DD was born. For two years all seemed fine on the surface but one day he up and left MIL and moved in with his boss and we found out he'd had a series of affairs etc. He worked away so we only saw him once a week, if that, but for two years he was "Grandad" to my DD.

Now ten months on, MIL is in the process of getting a divorce and has been dating a new man for the last three months, he also works away so if we wanted to get to know him, it would only be every other week really.

At the start of the relationship, MIL told DH and SIL they didn't have to meet him if they didn't want to. The relationship has moved very quickly and on several occasions she seems to have tried to artificially set up a meeting such as asking DH to pop over to fix something, while BF happened to be there. He is now also invited to Christmas.

We now have another baby and SIL has also had her first baby recently, we are all under the same mind set that we do not want our children having another part time "grandad". We are all happy for MIL if this man makes her happy, DH says he seems nice, but are we unreasonable for not wanting him involved in our kids lives? Especially as this is another part time relationship.

I think what is bothering DH and SIL most of all is after separating from their father, MIL never introduced any men she dated to them until they were much older and the relationship was serious. She isn't treating her grandchildren in the same manner despite wanting to be all about her grandkids since the separation.

Additionally, since this new relationship started, she has seen DD and DS twice, despite living a few minutes away. DD has stopped asking for her, she used to sleep over every Friday. She also told SIL she should be grateful she travels (90 minutes) to see her and her baby once a month, when in reality it is because her new BF lives in the next town and she is really just visiting him.

OP posts:
vivacian · 04/12/2019 21:24

This all seems a bit drama llama. Isn’t he just “grandma’s boyfriend”?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 04/12/2019 21:25

Initially I thought you were going to be a little U but absolutely not. She doesn't get to determine who she introduces to anyone's DC.

I'd stand firm and gently point out that you'd like to leave introductions for a while yet. If she gets shitty and chooses not to see the Grandchildren that's her lookout.

BendyLikeBeckham · 04/12/2019 21:27

Sounds like you want to punish her for prioritising her own life and relationship and being less of a hands on granny as a result.

This guy can feature in your DCs life as Granny's friend. If you shun him (for no good reason) then they will see much less of her anyway and it will be their loss as much as hers.

Harsh, but I'd say get off your high horse, welcome him into the family and start rebuilding your relationship with your MIL. If the guy sticks around, great. If not, that's life. Kids have people come into and out of their lives all the time. It isn't like he is a new step parent to them.

vivacian · 04/12/2019 21:29

Sounds like you want to punish her for prioritising her own life and relationship and being less of a hands on granny as a result.

Yes, I’m not sure what she is doing wrong.

heartsonacake · 04/12/2019 21:30

Sounds like you want to punish her for prioritising her own life and relationship and being less of a hands on granny as a result.

Yes, absolutely this.

OP, you are making an issue out of nothing.

Clymene · 04/12/2019 21:32

He's just grandma's friend surely? And if I'm reading you children's ages right, the eldest of the grandchildren is under 3. So they're hardly likely to be traumatised if they never see him again. I fought your eldest can remember the first bloke.

I think you're overthinking. And it's entirely up to your MIL how much time she spends with your children

dontcallmeduck · 04/12/2019 21:32

Can he not just be Grandmas friend Dave?

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2019 21:32

Meh! It's just their granny's bloke. I don't see the problem with him meeting the kids, especially as it'll only be every couple of weeks.

Not sure where 'part-time grandad' comes in.

I think that's a bit dramatic.

Original poster
Dory17 · 04/12/2019 21:32

I would say "grandmas boyfriend" yes. But I think DH and SIL are sick of her saying one thing to do with kids then doing another because something better came alone.

For example, MIL was supposed to babysit for SIL for the first time, BF decided to visit that night so she made a fancy meal and got a bit tipsy on Champagne instead. SIL obviously very annoyed at this as she had been looking forward to her first evening out after the baby.

I think for me, I just don't want my kids having new grandads every couple of years. MIL is the one who insists on bringing them into the family full force, rather than just casually at first.

OP posts:
OrangeZog · 04/12/2019 21:33

I also don’t see the issue. Surely he is just her boyfriend or else introduce him by his first name and that’s it. He’s not going to take on a grandparent role, or at least not for a long time, so no need to worry about acting like he’s a big deal.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 21:35

I really don't see what the fuss is about. He can be called grandma's "friend." Spending a couple of hours together at Christmas or on rare occasion is hardly being "involved" in your children's lives.

Oysterbabe · 04/12/2019 21:36

I think yabu too. You introduce him as grandma's friend, no big deal.

Longfacenow · 04/12/2019 21:36

He's not grandad though just granny's friend until they marry?

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2019 21:37

I think for me, I just don't want my kids having new grandads every couple of years.

So if you dated a bloke with grandchildren, you'd automatically become a grandmother? Confused

It really doesn't work like that.

Original poster
Dory17 · 04/12/2019 21:37

I see your points about over thinking and being dramatic really. It's the fact that she is trying force us to introduce our kids to him straight away. Like we should be OK letting our DD sleep over when there's a man we don't really know also staying there. That part is not OK for me.

OP posts:
vivacian · 04/12/2019 21:37

Grandma’s boyfriends don’t have to be granddads Confused

vivacian · 04/12/2019 21:39

Sleepovers? I thought she wasn’t a hands-on grandma.

ittakes2 · 04/12/2019 21:40

Sorry I also think you are being unreasonable - with the exception I would not feel comfortable leaving my children with a persons new partner until I got to know him.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 21:41

Like we should be OK letting our DD sleep over when there's a man we don't really know also staying there. That part is not OK for me.

That wouldn't be ok with me, either. Not a chance in hell that would happen and I would tell your MIL exactly why. You don't know him and are not comfortable with that scenario. But as for the children being introduced to him under your supervision, is that really such a big deal?

achainisonlyasstrong · 04/12/2019 21:41

A part time step grandad is not the same as part time step dad and won’t affect the kids the same way surely. Can’t the man just be described as grandma’s friend? It’s difficult but don’t blame her for having some fun now maybe. She’s probably had her fair share of bringing up kids.

achainisonlyasstrong · 04/12/2019 21:42

But def agree about kids not staying over.

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2019 21:43

Where did the sleepover come into it? Confused

She can still see her grandkids without them sleeping over if her boyfriend is there.

He works away anyway, so shouldn't be a problem.

MaderiaCycle · 04/12/2019 21:44

This is what I was thinking @dontcallmeduck

Original poster
Dory17 · 04/12/2019 21:44

She was very hands on until she started dating this man. DD is almost 3 and has been having weekly sleepovers since she turned one, which she pushed for, not us. Now, unless she can post it on social media, she's not interested.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/12/2019 21:46

Cut the woman some slack here

She's 3 months into a new relationship

That's often the honeymoon stage where you're really loved up. If her grandchildren aren't the first thing on her mind right now, so what?

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