To not want to introduce kids to MIL new boyfriend

[Dory17]

I'm probably being unreasonable. Just after some opinions really and how you would go about this.. I'll try not to ramble but there's a lot to this

MIL got remarried shortly after DD was born. For two years all seemed fine on the surface but one day he up and left MIL and moved in with his boss and we found out he'd had a series of affairs etc. He worked away so we only saw him once a week, if that, but for two years he was "Grandad" to my DD.

Now ten months on, MIL is in the process of getting a divorce and has been dating a new man for the last three months, he also works away so if we wanted to get to know him, it would only be every other week really.

At the start of the relationship, MIL told DH and SIL they didn't have to meet him if they didn't want to. The relationship has moved very quickly and on several occasions she seems to have tried to artificially set up a meeting such as asking DH to pop over to fix something, while BF happened to be there. He is now also invited to Christmas.

We now have another baby and SIL has also had her first baby recently, we are all under the same mind set that we do not want our children having another part time "grandad". We are all happy for MIL if this man makes her happy, DH says he seems nice, but are we unreasonable for not wanting him involved in our kids lives? Especially as this is another part time relationship.

I think what is bothering DH and SIL most of all is after separating from their father, MIL never introduced any men she dated to them until they were much older and the relationship was serious. She isn't treating her grandchildren in the same manner despite wanting to be all about her grandkids since the separation.

Additionally, since this new relationship started, she has seen DD and DS twice, despite living a few minutes away. DD has stopped asking for her, she used to sleep over every Friday. She also told SIL she should be grateful she travels (90 minutes) to see her and her baby once a month, when in reality it is because her new BF lives in the next town and she is really just visiting him.

@vivacian I'm sorry, I know how these threads go, I'll try harder next time to be more unreasonable about not being unreasonable when I'm clearly being unreasonable

I think what bugs me about this situation is that after splitting with the ex husband, MIL told us she was aware of the affairs for 6 months or so and used to cringe when he used to hold DD as she "didn't know where he'd been". It doesn't sit well with me that she knew he was a twat and continued to let it go on

Also, maybe it doesn't make a difference, but MIL hasn't exactly put her love life on hold, she just always ends up in long distance relationships or relationships where they are "serious" but they only spend time together at the weekends. She likes her independence during the week and then to be wined and dined at the weekend. In the ten years I've known her, these relationships have broken down when the partners want a more stable relationship, to live together full time etc. But each to their own. New BF seems to be on the same page as her to be fair so fingers crossed for her.

I'm just curious, who is BU here then? MIL arranged to travel up one weekend to visit SIL and her DP and new baby. At this point, this is 3 weeks into the new relationship. MIL booked a table at a restaurant, said it was her treat and all that. Everyone arrives for lunch and surprise, MIL brings along new BF. SIL is furious this has been sprung on her, was looking forward to spending time with her mum, is understandably hormonal 3 weeks postpartum, however MILs response is simply, I'm paying for lunch so suck it up. It was a very awkward lunch for the new BF and SILs DP. At least the new baby wasn't arsed

There seems to be two aspects to this - your concerns about the children having a relationship with a new 'grandad' and your DD having a sleepover when you don't really know this new partner. In terms of the former, why not just let the children meet him and just address him by his first name and keep it casual? In terms of the latter, that's fair enough - can't blame you for not feeling at ease if you don't know him that well.

You sound very judgemental!

She's entitled to see who she wants and it's none of your business.

if you don't want your DC to meet him then that's fine and up to you.

But stop with all the 'temporary grandad' rubbish; he's just 'Gran's boyfriend'.

I think mil was unreasonable to spring the new partner on her daughter without a heads up. Especially when her DD had just given birth and might have needed some support.
My mil asked us once if we were happy to meet her new dp. We obviously said yes. After that we literally never saw her without him again. I felt for DH, who I think had a hard time with his parents divorcing a few years previously, his dad then dying and never seeing his mum without her new man in tow. I judged and I don't care if that is unreasonable or not.
I also never allowed my children to be left unattended with them. Mil might have liked this man but I didn't know him from Adam.

I think if it’s a meal in a public place and you’re paying, then you can surprise everyone with meeting a new boyfriend.

If you’re arriving at a new mum’s house to meet the new baby, it’s not ok to take a surprise new boyfriend.

She's allowed her own life OP. She isn't just grandma now. Why is it such an issue to introduce her boyfriends as just that - 'Grandmas boyfriend'

I'm not completely serious when I say new BF is now all the kids new grandad. It's more just everyone (her kids, her DM and her siblings) are frustrated that she made a big thing about not wanting a relationship anymore, she was going to give it some time then when she was ready, she was only interested in casual dating so she could have more family time, which she often missed out on with ex husband. But since she found out ex husband moved in with one of his affairs, she got a boyfriend and has brought him to meals and parties without really introducing him, just kind of acting like he's always been there. I think her family are just trying to be extra cautious for her at a time when she's probably just having a bit of fun in her own way. Ex husband fooled us all, seemed the real deal, turned out to be leading several other lives

On my part though, I will just make sure I am clear with MIL that new BF remains just that to our kids and help DD adjust to the new dynamic with her grandma.

I do have an update though, another example of MIL dropping other people for more exciting things...

MIL has been planning a big NYE party with all the family. It's a good excuse to get everyone together as it's also her mothers 80th birthday. This has been in the works since last Christmas. It's also a surprise party for her mother. Everything's booked and the cost has been split between her and her 6 siblings. It's a huge family. So now, new BF is coming to the family christmas, which is annoying for us and SIL and new BF probably doesn't want to spend Christmas with a toddler and two babies but we'll get on with that part if it. However, today MIL just casually let SIL know that she is going on holiday with BF, leaving on boxing day and coming back on the 2nd, so isn't coming to the party that she organised. If it was just about NYE I'd say whatever but the point the party was to celebrate her own mothers 80th. I think it's pretty shitty of her really, at the same time, I'm not surprised!

I think that's shitty too. And you can't just invite a new boyfriend to the family Christmas, unless you are doing the hosting and even then, it's nice to check with family first.

Yes, it's shitty. Soon you will all stop believing her or accepting her hospitality.

@Aderyn19 That's the issue we're having. No thought was given to us. She is hosting but only because she likes to be in charge. We are splitting the costs though.

As far as Christmas goes, MIL was excited to have a quiet Christmas this year and to focus on the kids. Ex husband was very showy and MIL went along with it, so DDs first and second birthday parties (which she pushed to host, and were meant to be just a couple of hours of cake and sandwiches with a few close friends and family) turned into giant piss ups and so did the Christmases. Now SIL has a baby of her own she doesn't really want to spend all day drinking cocktails. Maybe we'll just host the kid themed christmas and the night time adult only party can be at MILs