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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to introduce kids to MIL new boyfriend

60 replies

Dory17 · 04/12/2019 21:21

I'm probably being unreasonable. Just after some opinions really and how you would go about this.. I'll try not to ramble but there's a lot to this

MIL got remarried shortly after DD was born. For two years all seemed fine on the surface but one day he up and left MIL and moved in with his boss and we found out he'd had a series of affairs etc. He worked away so we only saw him once a week, if that, but for two years he was "Grandad" to my DD.

Now ten months on, MIL is in the process of getting a divorce and has been dating a new man for the last three months, he also works away so if we wanted to get to know him, it would only be every other week really.

At the start of the relationship, MIL told DH and SIL they didn't have to meet him if they didn't want to. The relationship has moved very quickly and on several occasions she seems to have tried to artificially set up a meeting such as asking DH to pop over to fix something, while BF happened to be there. He is now also invited to Christmas.

We now have another baby and SIL has also had her first baby recently, we are all under the same mind set that we do not want our children having another part time "grandad". We are all happy for MIL if this man makes her happy, DH says he seems nice, but are we unreasonable for not wanting him involved in our kids lives? Especially as this is another part time relationship.

I think what is bothering DH and SIL most of all is after separating from their father, MIL never introduced any men she dated to them until they were much older and the relationship was serious. She isn't treating her grandchildren in the same manner despite wanting to be all about her grandkids since the separation.

Additionally, since this new relationship started, she has seen DD and DS twice, despite living a few minutes away. DD has stopped asking for her, she used to sleep over every Friday. She also told SIL she should be grateful she travels (90 minutes) to see her and her baby once a month, when in reality it is because her new BF lives in the next town and she is really just visiting him.

OP posts:

ballyboy · 04/12/2019 21:47

I don't get this...my parents were split and my mum never introduced us to boyfriends until she met a serious one. He was also my kids 'grandad' and then they broke up when my ds were 2 and 3. But I just told them they split! There was no issue. He wasn't their father. She met another guys when my kids were about 5 and 6 and again no issue when they split a few minutes the later.

Mil prob excited for you to meet him!

vivacian · 04/12/2019 21:51

Mil prob excited for you to meet him!

Yes, imagine getting a wonderful new boyfriend after the heartbreak of your ex, and none of your nearest and dearest want to meet him.

Khione · 04/12/2019 21:51

meet him - why not
Grandad - no he's Grandma's friend
Sleep over - no way

PurplePattern · 04/12/2019 21:52

Unfortunately it comes accross as though you are all put out that MIL is not prioritising grandkids at this stage, which is her prerogative. Let her live her life, life is short.
And he wouldn't be part time granddad, just grandma's friend.

Original poster

Dory17 · 04/12/2019 21:53

It's not really an issue for me introducing my kids to grandmas friend dave or whatever. I think DH and SIL feel differently but it's their mother.

I think for us all now it's the fact she likes to play the hands on grandma for social media but in reality she doesn't know what's going on in our kids lives.

When she separated from her ex husband, obviously she was hurt, but she puts on a strong front and said she would never get married again, never live with anyone and just wanted to focus on her grandkids. We probably should have taken that with a pinch of salt really.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2019 21:55

We probably should have taken that with a pinch of salt really.

Yes of course you should

And remember your kids are her grandchildren, not her actual children. She's already raised them, so let her get on with the rest of her life.

FatAndFurious7 · 04/12/2019 22:01

I agree with PPs, the way you're describing it it is just coming across like you're put out that she's suddenly less interested in playing babysitter for your children.

She has every right to a romantic relationship and it doesn't seem like you're overly supportive of that. Also - just because she had a short relationship before that doesn't mean it'll happen again. You said yourself her Ex-h had multiple affairs so actually it wasnt her fault or choice at all and she's was (and probably still is) utterly devastated by that.

Aderyn19 · 04/12/2019 22:02

Two separate issues here. The first is introducing the bf to your DC and I think you don't have to worry about them bonding with someone who may or may not stay. They won't see him enough to bond and children will be okay if a friend of granny's isn't a permanent fixture.
My mil had 2 serious partners post divorce from fil and although my DC did see both of them frequently,bthey were absolutely fine when they didn't see them because they weren't family, just granny's friend.

The second issue is her dumping prior commitments when she gets a better offer - that's totally unacceptable and I would definitely withdraw from someone who did this. If I was your sil I'd be really hurt and would have to challenge that with my mum.
My mil did this a bit and it made me wary of her. My kids adjusted to her not being around so much and didn't rely on seeing her, which was sad but her own doing. Things picked up again when that relationship went south but I must admit I was irritated by her never bring able to do anything with us, without having new boyfriend in tow.
I never allowed my DC to think of him as family though, just as a friend of granny.

Original poster

Dory17 · 04/12/2019 22:03

Just want to say it's not us asking her to be hands on or anything. From DD being born she wanted to be around us every waking minute, sometimes too much!

DH just wants our DC to have the same relationship with their grandma he had with his. But I don't think baking cakes and playing cards is up MILs street, as much as she said it was in the beginning. DD can wait until she's 18 and go for cocktails with her instead

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2019 22:08

DH just wants our DC to have the same relationship with their grandma he had with his.

Then tell him in the nicest possible way that...

1.) They're two different women

2.) Getting a tad dramatic over her boyfriend isn't going to help your kids relationship with her.

The novelty will wear off of the new relationship eventually. See what happens then but for now, just be happy for her.

Original poster

Dory17 · 04/12/2019 22:21

@Aderyn19 It sounds like you've been in a similar situation and I will just have to stand my ground with MIL that BF is "grandmas friend" to the kids and not family.

It is hard though, when this all started, DD would ask where grandma was all the time and why she couldn't see her whenever she wanted which she was used to.

I just need to say though, in nearly 3 years, not once have we actually asked for childcare. It's MIL that pushed for weekly sleepovers. We made her wait until DD was 1. It's actually more of a pain for us when DD does sleep over because she's hyper yet exhausted the next day, but it was important to MIL to bond with her first granddaughter at the time so hey ho.

Things change and DD will adjust.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2019 22:23

Yes you're right OP, she well adjust. That's a great way of looking at it.

I think you all will, given time.

TargaryenBean · 04/12/2019 22:23

Cross-post with everyone else really. As far as the kids are concerned it's Grandma's friend, or boyfriend. They don't have to be Grandad surely!

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2019 22:25

Meant to add that she basically sounds like a good grandmother, whose just readjusting her life.

It's lovely to 'throw yourself into' your grandchildren but they're not the be all and end all, so it's good to have her 'own life' as well as her life with family.

bananahood · 04/12/2019 22:26

As PP have said he is grandma's friend. The kids don't need to know the ins and outs and won't notice or care most likely. My DM's partner of 10 years isn't grandad, he's known to my kids by his first name. Let her prioritise her own needs and relationships, you said yourself she didn't do this when her own DC were little.

Original poster

Dory17 · 04/12/2019 22:29

OK, to everyone saying it's grandmas friend, not grandad... how do I get this through to MIL though?!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2019 22:31

OK, to everyone saying it's grandmas friend, not grandad...how do I get this through to MIL though?!

Just tell her not to refer to him as grandad because he isn't.

His name will be enough.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 22:38

OK, to everyone saying it's grandmas friend, not grandad...how do I get this through to MIL though?!

You tell her very directly and clearly that your children will be referring to him by his given name, or Mr Lastname, which ever he prefers, and there is no compromise on the matter.

Original poster

Dory17 · 04/12/2019 22:41

@WorraLiberty yeah that didn't really work with the first time. We only met her ex husband a handful of times prior to DD being born. On day one she called him grandad. We just rolled with it because she was happy. I don't really want history to repeat itself. She was also engaged for 5 years before she split with her ex and met the ex husband so she does seem to jump in to relationships quickly. I just don't see why she has to include our DC.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dory17 · 04/12/2019 22:49

Fair enough, I probably am being unreasonable it's probably DHs and SILs issue but I think it's more about being clear with MIL that BF is Mr Friend or whatever and not grandad rather than avoiding the man altogether. DD will get used to the new dynamic and DS doesn't even know who she is anyway, he's more familiar with the next delivery lady

OP posts:

PositiveVibez · 04/12/2019 22:49

in reality she doesn't know what's going on in our kids lives

The children are 3 and under. How much have they got going on in her lives that she needs to know??

I feel sorry for her. Her ex was a twat, she's met someone she really likes. You're all pissing on her bonfire and dressing it up as some faux concern for your kids.

You're pissed off she is not devoting as much time to the grandchildren as she was.

Just ask her not to introduce her new fella as 'grandad' yet.

Drama drama drama.

Try being happy for her and supporting her instead of sounding bitter and resentful.

Original poster

Dory17 · 04/12/2019 22:51

Thanks everyone, my first post after 3 years lurking wasn't too brutal

OP posts:

vivacian · 05/12/2019 08:02

I know it's your first time OP but you really haven't got the hang of AIBU. You're supposed to argue until you're blue in the face that YANBU and everyone else is wrong. Must try harder

Ditsythespider · 05/12/2019 08:12

Sorry I think you’re all being unreasonable
Let her be happy if she’s met someone who makes her happy it sounds like she’s had a rubbish time with love, always protected her children from meeting whoever she dates and now they’ve grown up she’s allowing herself some fun at long last and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I don’t think her boyfriend has to be introduced as anything just keep calling him by his name and refer to him as that in front of your dd. I don’t think these things need to be over complicated and explained to children tbh.

Just because she’s in the first flurry of a new romance and spending less time with her grandchildren it doesn’t mean she’s not a doting gran anymore she’s had your dd every Friday night since she was 1 and has taken a month out for her own enjoyment.

Just be happy for her, nothing worse than people passing on your chips when you’re happy and haven’t actually done anything wrong.

Ditsythespider · 05/12/2019 08:12

Pissing on your chips not passing. Passing on your chips would be good more for you

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