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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accept that my son and I simply don’t get on

58 replies

lovemenorca · 04/12/2019 19:28

It’s painful to accept that my son (9 years old) and I simply do not “get on” and haven’t ever really.

I love him deeply but we simply have very different personalities and they aren’t complementary.

There are quite a few arguments between us but also lovely times too, but they often feel a bit fake. As though we are both trying to be someone we are not for the sake of the other.

Anyone else out there have a very different personality to their child (but not in a positive sense) but still be close as they grow in to adults?

I try so hard but I hate that it is a case of me “trying” rather than a natural easy relationship.

OP posts:
takeittogo · 04/12/2019 19:29

That sounds hard, OP.

Can you tell us a bit more and maybe give some examples? I bet there is a way forward. Flowers

FrivolousPancake · 04/12/2019 19:30

I find 9 year old boys incredibly irritating, did you get along with him when he was younger? 4, 5 or 6?

It may well just be his age

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 04/12/2019 19:31

What an odd post. You are describing the dynamic relationship of two friends.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/12/2019 19:33

My relationship with my second child has taken a lot of work. At times I have actually disliked him and it seemed like he opposed me over everything just because he wanted to annoy me, but over time and with loads of work, we have reached a place where we take pleasure in each other's company and enjoy time spent together. It came as a shock to me because my relationship with his older brother was always so easy and relaxed and it was a struggle. Now I see the two relationships as equal but different.

Keep on trying and it will get better . Nine wasn't an easy ago for any of my sons and strangely their teens have been much better.

Original poster
lovemenorca · 04/12/2019 19:49

@dontdribble

That is genuinely helpful - thank you

OP posts:
formerbabe · 04/12/2019 19:53

I think 9 is too young to decide you don't get on.

Fwiw, I found 9 a really tough age for my ds...he went from cute little boy to being full of attitude and back chat, like a teenager. I've heard they have a hormone surge at that age but no idea if that's true or not.

Menora · 04/12/2019 19:54

I kind of get it, I have a huge clash with my DD17 and always have done. She has some extra needs emotionally and she is challenging and difficult. She is explosive and easily angered. She gets on with her DF much better than me.

I still try to show her a lot of love, I buy her little things she likes, I send her silly texts, I still always ask for cuddles and say ‘night I love you’ and try to use humour to offset some of her bad temper

You need to find a new tactic to get along. Sarcasm can work Grin

Menora · 04/12/2019 19:55

Having met some 9yo boys I can imagine you are the nag and he ignores you?

speakout · 04/12/2019 20:01

Sorry you feel this way OP, but this is a child you are talking about here- your child.
You have far more capacity in this relationship to find ways to connect and build bridges than he does.
You are the adult.
And in finding ways to connect, bond, forge your relationship you are teaching him how to connect with others in his future adult life.
If something is broken or you feel there is a relating faliure I would ure you to seek help. Perhaps family therapy, or counselling for you.

I find this post very sad, I would be doing everything in my power to reach out and seek connection for the sake of your son- and perhaps even his future mental health.

You may feel that you don't "get on" , but how does he feel- he is only 9, lacks the emotional or social understanding that an adult does.

I

Herocomplex · 04/12/2019 20:01

Does he get on well with his dad?

Children need to find out about how relationships work from the adults in their lives. He needs to be able to trust you, and feel that you love and support him. Find the good things and work on those.

As long as he feels loved and gets approval then I think you’ll both be fine.,

One thing to think about might be how you were when you were his age. What did you need? What did you want?

Butchyrestingface · 04/12/2019 20:03

Does your son feel that you’re on his side, OP?

I didn’t always feel that way as child re my parents.

lynxca16 · 04/12/2019 20:06

Oh my Dear

Grow up - most 9yr old boys and girls rebel and want to do 'their own things' - its nature. Now if you want to control , then that is your issue and maybe its time to get help - if only for your children's sake.

Take care

FrivolousPancake · 04/12/2019 20:07

Oh ffs @speakout give OP a break.
Children are humans with their own personalities, of course every parent and child won’t “get on”

She hasn’t said she hated him or abuses him fgs so save you’re “sadness”. She’s here looking for help with the issue.

formerbabe · 04/12/2019 20:07

I'm sure you can find something to do together that you can bond over.

I play a card game every night with my DS before he goes to bed and we cook together at the weekend.

TreacherousPissFlap · 04/12/2019 20:07

DS and I were like that when he was younger. I have always been very devil may care and don't generally suffer from anxiety. DS was an incredibly anxious child which I didn't understand and which quite frankly frustrated me on occasions. He also had (and continues to have) little interest in my interests. Now he's older he can compromise a bit better, so will come on a long walk with me with good grace once in a while for example.

By comparison his interests have grown and are in full teenage obsession mode. I realise now I wanted him to have the opportunities I never had. Once he had found his own opportunities to take and enjoy, life was easier. So rather then him being upset because he didn't want to go rock climbing, and me being annoyed because I would have killed for an opportunity like that, I now facilitate him to do the things he enjoys.

I'm not sure I've explained that all that well but have hope. DS is great fun now and we generally get in really well Flowers

Apolloanddaphne · 04/12/2019 20:08

I have had to work harder at my relationship with DD2. DD1 is a lot like me and we instinctively get each other. DD2 is more like my DH and is more closed off. She is 21 now and we have established a nice relationship where we understand we are both quite different personalities and accept this about each other. I have always loved her though, there has never been any doubt about that.

Menora · 04/12/2019 20:09

I do relate as DD2 and I have a very easy going relationship. This is a taboo subject that many people don’t actually talk about.

vivacian · 04/12/2019 20:11

this is a child you are talking about here- your child. You have far more capacity in this relationship to find ways to connect and build bridges than he does.

This.

Original poster
lovemenorca · 04/12/2019 20:12

What thoughtful and insightful messages - thank you.

Oh I most definitely am in my boy’s corner. No doubt about that. And he doesn’t doubt it. He is very much loved and he knows it.

OP posts:
Bogrod · 04/12/2019 20:12

Omg my DS2 and I have clashed SO MUCH over the years. We’ve had some horrible times. I’ve shed so many tears it’s unreal.

He was horrible from probably 11ish to 15....

He’s 16 now and we still have our moments but largely we get on brilliantly and have such a giggle together. Even when we do argue it’s over quickly.

A huge part of it was realising that in fact we are very similar. That’s been hard to admit because the traits I dislike/d most in him are actually ones I have myself 😳 and apparently that’s quite common...

Are you sure you have nothing in common? Could you find something to build on?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not one of those parents who wants to be their kids best mate. But being able to share something really helps.

Mammylamb · 04/12/2019 20:14

Hi OP. It’s brave of you to come on here and admit it.

My mum and I struggled to get on when I was a child. She found my brother a lot easier than me. We get on very well as adults and spend a lot of time together doing fun things. But I think if we weren’t related then we would never have anything in common with each other

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 04/12/2019 20:16

I don’t have an easy relationship with my DD10 but don’t seem to struggle at all with my two DS or my two DSD’s.
I make an extra effort with her, she has my iPhone while we drive and gets to choose the songs as she has the best music taste out of all my children, I tell her this as I find compliments are gratefully received. We both enjoy these sequin art sets so we do those together. We go to the cinema together. I am always actively on the look out for things we both enjoy. X

ysmaem · 04/12/2019 20:16

That's really sad OP and I'm sorry that you feel this way. Like some posters have said it could very well be his age. Kids are meant to push your buttons and their boundaries and they do tend to get on your nerves or at least my two boys certainly do. Arguments are normal in a parent child relationship. He's only 9 years old, he is still only a child and had so much growing up to do. You never know how your relationship will change and develop. Please dont worry, just keep calm and dont fret too much.

Bogrod · 04/12/2019 20:19

Oh and ignore the snipey posts. I posted about my DS once YEARS ago and got the predictable “you don’t sound as if you like him” responses from some. Which is laughable because I love the fucking bones of him. And I know he feels the same.

Menora · 04/12/2019 20:24

I also don’t post about my DD anymore for same reasons