To accept that my son and I simply don’t get on

[lovemenorca]

It’s painful to accept that my son (9 years old) and I simply do not “get on” and haven’t ever really.

I love him deeply but we simply have very different personalities and they aren’t complementary.

There are quite a few arguments between us but also lovely times too, but they often feel a bit fake. As though we are both trying to be someone we are not for the sake of the other.

Anyone else out there have a very different personality to their child (but not in a positive sense) but still be close as they grow in to adults?

I try so hard but I hate that it is a case of me “trying” rather than a natural easy relationship.

I don't know OP, at the end of the day he's a child. It isn't unreasonable at all to acknowledge there is an issue but he is nine years of age so his 'personality' and behaviours are not anywhere set in stone, to write it off as an inherent 'incompatibility' that you are going 'accept'- seems very unjustified and illogical, not to mention a little unfair to a child. This is a point you would surely reach as adults.

In what way do you perceive he is being 'fake'? What is it you are 'faking'?

Would you feel better if you could write it off in this way, and if so, why?

I am NC with my DM, we are incompatible in ways which I find too big of a hurdle, and although I love her as my parent, and can tell you many positive attributes she has- I just personally don't enjoy her company one bit, I don't like her particularly and I get nothing positive out of any interaction I have with her. 9 is way, waytoo young to be exploring these themes though and this is potentially damaging. I would look to find a therapist to discuss this with.

I think speakout is correct though, the OP is the adult and she needs to remember her son is a small boy and she is his mother and she has to do all the work in this relationship so he grows up feeling loved and supportive.

As though we are both trying to be someone we are not for the sake of the other.

This is the most worrying sentence, either the OP is reading adult emotions behind her sons actions or he is aware already of how she feels and is distancing himself (I have a relative who foster and some of the older foster children seem old for their age but it's because they have already been trained to hide their emotions).

OP, did you have PND when he was a baby, if so could that have persisted? It might be worth having some counselling or go to a parentcraft course or something to try and learn ways to connect with him. A hobby you do together might be good (DH and DD1 love playing football together and can sort out any problem kicking a ball together). I do think it's pretty normal to have an easier empathy with one child more than another at any one time but part of being a parent is making your child feel secure and loved even when they are going through a difficult stage.

It's a bit different, but when ds2 came along I realised how difficult a baby/toddler ds1 was (having got a comparison). I had to really focus on accepting all of ds1's personality, including the fact he was always going to be more labour-intensive emotionally than ds2. I got there but it took conscious effort.

She has not said at any point she isn’t trying to make him feel less secure or loved. Mumsnet projection at its finest

It is way more common than people think, they just don’t talk about it. Then it becomes a huge issue and a gulf. Whereas when you do talk about it... you are open to suggestion. I love my DD more than I can ever put into words and she’s beautiful and funny and smart and sweet and I want to protect her forever but at the same time she can be so irritating and annoying and defiant and rude it is like a rollercoaster of emotion

I know what you mean OP, I have the same issue with my 8 year old, I find his brothers personality just much 'easier'. I love them equally but it's much harder to get on with ds8. It bothers me so I'm reading these replies with interest, but you are definitely not alone.

As a mother of 5 I can say with confidence that most parents definitely get on more with certain dc’s than others.
My middle dd is my girl - she can be a complete brat but I just know we are always going to be close. I can see her staying close even when she’s older and had her own kids/life. (Funnily though she’s the one dh clashes with the most) My younger ds also I get on great with - he has a very funny and insightful personality and is great for a chat. My older 2 not so much - I’ve struggled especially with my eldest. I just feel like it’s very hard work with him a lot of the time but then as he’s got older it’s definitely got better - I think since he’s left home a bit of distance has been good for us. The 2nd one has always had a lovely personality and was a bit of a mummy’s boy....until he hit 14....and then BOOM! He’s barely spoken to me for the last 2 years! I’m hoping he’ll come out of it because I miss the chats we used to have.
And my baby...at the mo she’s lovely but time will tell!
Family dynamics are funny and I get what you mean Op, but I agree it’s up to you as the adult to try and understand and love your child for who he is (as I’m sure you do). And try not to let him get the impression you favour your other son!!

Mental health self love note: You can love your child AND find them an arsehole at the same time.

I've seen some real shits and some absolute angels - it seems to be luck of the draw (mostly) on what the personality of your child is

Sometimes I don't like my youngest (8).

I love both my kids and always have. And I've done some pretty hardcore and difficult things for both of them.

But my eldest is just like all the better parts of me and the easier side of my quirks where as my youngest seems to be all my bad points and the difficult side of my quirks.

Everyone loves my eldest.

Everyone finds my youngest challenging (that's putting it kindly).

Doesn't mean my eldest doesn't get told off or I don't have good times with my youngest. But I relate positively to my eldest and we share a lot of interests. With my youngest, she reminds me of all my negatives and she likes lots of things the rest of us hate.

I'm really glad my kids aren't two peas in a pod, diversity is important and I don't want mere clones of myself.

I try and find something about what she's into to talk to her about and I give things she likes a try (took her to two ballet performances last year for example).

When she's screaming and having a meltdown I try to distract her with a bath or a boy or I ask her if we should go read together or something. It takes a lot of patience and energy but it's better than the times I'm exhausted and scream back.

I'm in a position where I'm waiting for support for her and us, so I don't have lots of answers. But you're not alone. These things happen.

I think the best times I have with both of mine are when I do something spontaneous like start singing something and picking theirs arms up and making them dance with me. Silly things. This can also help defuse a situation.

My mother and I didn't get on for most of our lives. It wasn't until I left home and I stared to appreciate her as a human being being in her own right that I started to appreciate how hard her life was - and not made any easier by my snotty attitude.

It wasn't until near the end of her life that she admitted that a lot of the time she loved me as her child but actively disliked me, because I really wasn't a very nice person.

And that is a totally different conversation.

I think you need to keep finding things to like about him. Spend more time together, not less. Maybe try love bombing.

9 is still very young to be writing your relationship off.

I have an 8 year old dd. I never for a second questioned my bond with her until I had dd2. With dd1, whom I love and adore, things are harder work. She had colic as a baby and I struggled. She is really bright and wanted to be 'little miss independent' as soon as she could crawl. She never needed me and was just as happy in her dads or grandparents company. I found all of that heartbreakingly hard but assumed all kids were like that. However, with dd2 (who is 2 - so big age gap) things were just so much easier. Parenting her just feels natural. Our bond is so strong and she is such a loving child. She feels like an extension of me, where as dd1 always felt like this incredibly precious thing that I was responsible for but to clueless to manage her. This left me terrified that there was something missing between dd1 and me. The scariest thought was that she knew it, even as a baby, which is why she never 'needed' me and why I find her challenging to parent. I went through a period of feeling really quite frightened I was emotionally damaging her just because we don't have that natural bond. I talked it over with dh and obsessed for quite sometime before I realised several things.

1. I love her more than life itself - no question.
2. DH is her favourite and he has achieved this by largely being the beta parent. I'm the alpha - I do all of the discipline and shit bits. This needed to change.
3. I wanted to work at our relationship, partly because I was scared she would be emotionally damaged and partly because admitting our bond was weak made me hate myself.

So, I made dh step up and do an equal amount of the shit bits. Actually, for a while I left most of the discipline to him. He hated it, I felt liberated and dd1 and I had breathing space. I made an effort to do things 1:1. They felt a bit forced at first but now we are getting into the swing of it, it feels much more natural. I increased physical contact with dd. Even as a baby, she didn't really like being held, she wanted to explore. So I forced it. Little hugs when she was watching the telly, holding her hand, good morning kisses, goodbye kisses and good night kisses. (With her consent - by 'force' I mean forced the situation, not the child) Also praising her as often as I could etc I stopped the negative thinking. If I was such a terrible mother, I wouldn't try as hard as I do. This has all made a huge difference to our relationship and she has opened up to me much more. It has taken work, unlike dd2 where it feels natural, but, It is so lovely and I think we are both happier now. Good luck to you.

I Also agree that you are brave to be honest about this. I think it will get better as he gets older

My mother used to say to me "I love you, but I don't like you". She was a bitch to have said that to me repeatedly from a fairly young age, but I understand the emotion. The OP's son will never have to hear that (I'd hope, I doubt she would say anything like that to him) and it's okay for family relationships to sometimes feel like hard work.

Sometimes we all fake it- we say the things we know that we should, even if it's not how we feel at that moment. That's okay too, it's part of not burdening kids with adult problems and emotions.

Following x

Brilliant post from Whatsername . I think you were very brave to have addressed this!

@Whatsername177

I nodded along throughout your post
Absolutely nailed where I’m at
Thank you so much

Me too struggling with the natural bond with 9 yo ds - all the best to you and don't writre it off yet

You're being very honest OP and I totally understand what you are saying about being both very different and struggling to share common grounds but still Loving your child unconditionally.

In the end, a lot of our personality comes from our genes, so although this means that in addition to the environment we provide for our kids, they are likely to be very similar to us, sometimes genetic means that they are not, or as you describe it, they are born with the worse aspects of our personalities.

I do however agree that this can change because they will express different side of their personality at different ages. They will also learn to adapt.

I think it explains why some kids and adults end up much closer to one parent than another. That's how it is, and again it doesn't have to take away from the strength of the love with have for eachover.

I'm always quite amazed when I see families with kids who are like mini version of them and seem to get happiness from the same activities and passions. In my household, we are really a complete missmatch, but we are also all naturally very independent, so we are all quite happy doing our own things, but sometimes I wish we were like those families who share everything with everyone being happy doing so.

Excellent post @Whatsername177. Totally honest and insightful.

Also agree with @Dontdisturbmenow that often children have personality traits which may clash with others in the family- siblings as well as parents.

We have three (now adult) kids, all very different to one another. Occasionally when they were small I used to wistfully think it would be so easy to be one of those families where the children are mini versions of mum and dad and where the family seems to have a sort of ‘group identity’ rather than being a disparate collection of individuals. However in all honesty I think families like this are the exception rather than the rule, and perhaps some of them appear that way because there’s an unspoken pressure on the children to conform to a particular type. The fact is, each child is a unique individual and it’s actually a positive thing that they will grow up with their own personality.

Hang on in there OP. Looking at my adult kids now, there have been so many phases for each one from babyhood to adulthood. I’ve felt closest to each one of them at various times- and equally there have been times when each one in turn has been trickier to get along with. These things aren’t set in stone. It may be that you’ll always have an easier relationship with one child than another and that’s ok too... what’s important is making the time and effort to spend with each one, keeping the communication open and most importantly showing your love for them is unconditional

My mother had a difficult MIL (Mumsnetters will sympathise). When I came along I was a miniature version of my grandmother. I looked like her and had a very similar personality. My grandmother and I adored each other. My poor mother had given birth to her difficult mother in law, mark II.

It must happen a lot.

I don't think 9 year olds are that cute or great company. Some are and some aren't. But their personality will change massively in the next 6-10 years so hang in there!

I think the problem is often that we see aspects of ourselves that we don't like magnified in our dc.

So along with accepting them more (takes work!) we need to accept those parts of ourselves more. Then it can be win-win.

I've not RTFT but no I don't think you are.
I found my DD extremely difficult and hard work from about 6-9. We were such different people. From then on (and she's now 17) our relationship suddenly improved and we get on really well now (obviously there have been parenting moments!) I could never have predicted this when she was younger; I thought we would always struggle to get on beyond a very basic relationship.
A wise friend of mine who has a lot of children once told me that she disliked her eldest son intensely between the ages of 9 and 15 but that he would never have known as she just tried to show him as much love as she could. And then at 15 everything changed and they got on really well.
I think we can have personality clashes with our children but also I think that can be temporary as they are changing so much.

I don't think you can possibly tell whether or not you "get on" with your son until he is an adult.

I absolutely adore my daughter. She is my literally my world as my only child as I have been on my own since pregnancy. But omg has she been challenging?! She struggled so hard socially for years (and didn't care), wasn't bothered about people's feelings (including mine), threw legendary tantrums that lasted hours, had to be carried out of places etc. Very different to my shy and quiet and very girlie self as a really wild, super boisterous, loud tomboy. It was hard to find joy in our relationship at many times over the years. But slowly from about 11 onwards she has matured, calmed down a bit, started secondary school which she enjoys and our relationship is mostly very happy and close. It still goes down at times but I just accept that as part and parcel of raising a highly intelligent and very determined child. There was a really good bit of advice about finding opportunities for affection in this thread and that has helped us enormously. Especially when she has been a right pain but finds it hard to back down from a stance of trying to 'win' an argument. A hug is a good way to reconnect and move on without her losing face (which seems to be v important to her). Don't lose hope as relationships definitely evolve and change and it's ok to enjoy your child a bit more or less depending on the stage of life they are in.