To accept that my son and I simply don’t get on

[lovemenorca]

It’s painful to accept that my son (9 years old) and I simply do not “get on” and haven’t ever really.

I love him deeply but we simply have very different personalities and they aren’t complementary.

There are quite a few arguments between us but also lovely times too, but they often feel a bit fake. As though we are both trying to be someone we are not for the sake of the other.

Anyone else out there have a very different personality to their child (but not in a positive sense) but still be close as they grow in to adults?

I try so hard but I hate that it is a case of me “trying” rather than a natural easy relationship.

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04/12/2019 20:01 @speakout

Sorry you feel this way OP, but this is a child you are talking about here- your child.
You have far more capacity in this relationship to find ways to connect and build bridges than he does.
You are the adult.
And in finding ways to connect, bond, forge your relationship you are teaching him how to connect with others in his future adult life.

I just wanted to come back to this thread and say that this post in particular has helped enormously. I’ve been really trying to focus on fact that I AM THE ADULT and my boy is just a child. And it really has given me patience and consequently - our relationship seems to be improving

So thank you!

My brother and dad never got on they used to fight like cat and mouse.
Although I caused arguments between my parents dad and brothers relationship nearly destroyed their marriage.

Then my brother went to uni, they're thick as theives when they get together now. I know it's a long way off, but hold on, it gets better.

OP your thread is really refreshing - we don’t all get on with our children with equal harmony despite loving them all. I think there is a lot of parental guilt about this though and it can be seen as a taboo subject. I find my youngest easier to get along with -my oldest has ASD / ADHD and although he is wonderful in many ways (he is very bright, creative, has a kind heart and he is very loyal) he can have very repetitive thinking and can be a bit intense to be around. He’s easier on a one to one basis probably as he’s then not vying for attention with his brother and I think things will become easier as he grows up. I just wanted to send a virtual hug and say I know a bit of what you are feeling and by acknowledging it in yourself things can only get better.

It's really interesting that taking the perspective of you being the adult is helping.

I had/have quite easy relationships with my children, but I remember having to repeat "it's not personal" to myself quite a lot during the teenage years. Remembering that they will push boundaries because they have to in order to develop through adolescence really helps to cope.

lovemenorca
So good to hear that your relationship is improving. And lovely that your heart is so open to change. You clearly love your son dearly,
Your son is young, and you have lots of time and opportunity to build new paths to relating. A future to look forward to.

Wishig you both a wonderful christmas. X

I’m on the other side, I’m in my late 40s and I know that my parent loves me but finds me boring, they will have great conversations with my sister over coffee etc but not with me and it does hurt

Well done for addressing this, OP! I was the same with my DS1 - he and I just seemed to clash in ways that DS2 and I never do.
DS1 is 16 now and our relationship has improved tremendously, so hang on in there!

Another poster had it right when they described it as a taboo subject. Of course we have to recognise the power dynamic between parent and child, but all humans, regardless of age, have different personality traits and we simply can't gel with everyone all the time.

I think at 9 years old you can’t possibly decide you don’t get on. I’ve never got on with my dad. We had a terrible relationship up until I was well into my 30’s. Huge blow up and I just said I couldn’t see him anymore. He was devastated and wanted us to see a counsellor which we did. It’s okay mostly now but I still find him incredibly difficult .