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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to withold his money ?

68 replies

Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 14:53

My ds1 is 20 and away at Uni. I'm becoming increasingly cross at his general behaviour and lying. He admits he cannot manage money and seems to lose very part time job he has ( always someone else's fault ). We pay his rent and he lives off his student loan and whatever he can earn. In his first term at Uni he managed to get through 5k that his grandparents had saved for him before they died, ideally it was meant to be for a house deposit or decent car .Now that is gone, he can't really account for where except that he went on fancy weekends with his gf, lots of take aways etc. He gambles and lies to me about it. He says none of the 5k went on gambling but I really don't know if I believe him. Two weeks ago he won 2.5k on a £5 bet and has spent around £700 of it on a fancy watch, expensive toothbrush etc !! Last week he was heading back to Uni when his car broke down, it had completely drained of oil and the RAC think it's terminal ( their words). Again I think he lied saying he was checking the oil but clearly hasn't been , there's no sign of a leak. As he does a lot of voluntary work ( he's not all bad !! ) that is invaluable for his course and will help towards him getting a job hopefully I ended up loaning him my decent, economical car, paid for a months insurance etc and we filled it with petrol. I asked him last weekend if he was gambling money, he promised he wasn't. On tues we received a car parking fine ( his car is registered in my husband name), for £60 for overstaying in a Casino car park at 2am - apparently tis was a special treat for a friends birthday. So again more lies about the gambling. I have made a deal with him today that unless he transfers the rest of the winnings into my account for safekeeping then I will have my car back and he will be carless and not be able to do the voluntary work he loves. He spends a fortune on fuel etc to do this work. His Uni housemates all seem to have rich parents that send them money each week. and pay for their cars. I guess I'm just wanting to ask what to do ? Are we being too soft, what to do about the lying ?? AIBU to keep hold of his money and just give him a weekly allowance? He is an adult, he has agreed to the plan as he admits he cannot manage his money despite our best intentions to teach him how to budget.

OP posts:
iCrochetSoIDontKillPeople · 04/12/2019 14:56

It sounds like you're helping him too much, sorry. You've been wonderful parents so far. Time for him to learn some valuable life lessons!

katmarie · 04/12/2019 15:29

He's 20, he's an adult, its time for him to stand on his own two feet. Take the car back, stop giving him money, make sure his rent is paid direct to the landlord. As much as you can, cut him off and tell him that is that. Offer to work with him on budgetting and/or applying for jobs, provided he does the majority of the legwork. It's up to him to manage then.

PBLR · 04/12/2019 17:55

I feel desperately sad to say this OP but I think you already know that this is a gambling problem that's really getting out of control, based on your message.
I would probably try a heavier approach if it was my DS.
I suggest you speak with him and say this- don't accept his excuses. Offer to speak with student services re asking for a break at the end of this semester and coming home to focus on getting the gambling thing sorted before it takes over his life( it may be more significant than you think already). If he agrees then give it a go with local support from GP/ Gamblers Anon etc and provide support with food, home comforts etc but don't allow rule breaking once you've set up a plan. It will be tough but you are right to be on it now. He's your child, you know him best and if alarm bells are ringing this loudly then have the courage of your convictions and step in- it might be difficult now but either he will thank you for it later or you will at least know that you gave it your best shot if things do go downhill.
All best wishes for whatever you do, I will think of you regularly

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 17:59

You are being way too soft and enabling his immaturity is doing him no favours. He's acting like a child so treat him like one. I would be telling him all financial support is OVER. He's 20, fgs. Time to grow up.

Areyoufree · 04/12/2019 17:59

Are you sure about the bet? £2.5k on a £5 bet seems very unlikely. More likely he is playing larger amounts and trying to make it sound as if he got lucky on a small bet. I agree that it sounds as if he might need help - getting him to admit that is something else though. Start by protecting yourselves - make sure he has no access to your money.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/12/2019 18:01

He's 20 and an adult, I think you are helping him too much. I'd take back the car. He's got 1300 quid he can buy a car with out of his winnings. Let him sort himself out

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 04/12/2019 18:02

He doesn’t need a weekly allowance. He has the ability to earn, and clearly win, money. Take your car back and let him experience the week up call he very urgently needs.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 04/12/2019 18:03

wake up call

Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 18:46

Thanks all. You are all speaking absolute sense. I know we have been too soft. It started with a win on his first scratch card when he was 16. It's shocking how quickly kids get sucked into this kind of thing. He is in agreement to us keeping his money and releasing it to him gradually. He wasn't going to tell me about the big win for obvious reasons, he said it was some kind of football accumulator bet, I really have no knowledge of how gambling works, I've never even put a bet on anything in my whole life and don't understand how it works. he had an online gambling account which he says has now gone but as I said I don't believe much of what he says. Thanks everyone for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 18:47

I'm just letting him keep the car until he finishes Uni for the Christmas holidays then will be taking it back. He has commitments with the work experience ( all football related) and would be letting people down if he can't get there.

OP posts:
lifeisgoodagain · 04/12/2019 18:55

My dd gets £30 a week, she has no car and copes fine- teach them to be self sufficient (obviously we help her with rent termly as there's a shortfall from her loan)

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/12/2019 18:56

It sounds to me as if the main problem is his gambling. It's scary how quickly people get sucked in. A friend of DS2 has just come out of rehab for gambling at 24.

I think you should focus on this. All the other issues look as if they may stem from gambling. See if he'll speak to someone from Gam Anon and maybe try a meeting.

Mamapop1 · 04/12/2019 19:27

Could he not use the winnings to source a new car if his is dead or fix his car? That way the money is in something sensible and he can still do the beloved work without needing your car??

Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 19:36

mamapop - Yes that is the plan. realistically he doesn't have time to look for a new car so we are going to keep the money safe until then.

OP posts:
MyFavouriteThings91 · 04/12/2019 19:47

I do appreciate that DS is living away for uni but the idea of paying a 20 year old adults rent makes me cringe. I can’t believe it’s expected so openly expected of parents.
I’d also be livid if DS was allowing us to pay his rent whilst frittering 2.5k away!

I think in your situation I’d be pulling all financial help from him. Using his winnings as a buffer for rent and telling him if he doesn’t find a PT job and stick with it by the time winnings run out his rent won’t be getting paid 👍🏻

bumpertobumper · 04/12/2019 19:52

Gambling is a real and insidious addiction. It sounds like he might need proper help with this. Please read up on it.
In some ways it can be worse than drug or alcohol addiction because there is no intoxication, so it is invisible to loved ones but so damaging.
I don't mean to worry you op, just flagging up that this could be more than just him 'growing up' and 'learning to stand on his own two feet'

Of course he may well be just being totally irresponsible and fine once the lesson is learnt.

carly2803 · 04/12/2019 19:57

Take your car back, stop paying his rent- students get 9k in loans (generally)! why.

Hes 20-time to grow up!!

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 04/12/2019 20:01

Stop babying him, he needs to grow up and learn not everything is going to be handed to him. Giving him more money just enables him.

Stegosaurus1990 · 04/12/2019 20:09

Doesn’t have time to look for a car?

Don’t be soft.

You’re babying him.

He doesn’t need pocket money.

Gatehouse77 · 04/12/2019 20:14

We pay our son’s Uni rent as it reduces his overall debt. I don’t believe that’s uncommon amongst his peers.
However, everything else he needs to budget/earn to fund his lifestyle. Fortunately, he’s very good with his money.

In your situation I would be hauling him over the coals for his recklessness and putting in place things to address his gambling problem.
Either he chooses to be treated like an independent adult and takes full responsibility for himself and you step back. Or he accepts that he’s still a dependent child and the rules you put in place (e.g. a weekly allowance).

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/12/2019 20:19

I'm just letting him keep the car until he finishes Uni for the Christmas holidays then will be taking it back

I doubt he'll agree to that, OP. You may intend for him to use some of the winnings for a different car, but when the time comes I almost guarantee the cash will have disappeared on an invented "emergency"

If you swallow the ridiculous "he doesn't have time to source a car", that'll show him very clearly that you mean nothing of what you've said; therefore the only answer's probably to stop all money and show him that, actually, you DO mean it

wasthatamistake · 04/12/2019 20:25

Of course he has time to look for a car. He has time to gamble!

He should be using public transport now anyway, not your car. Stop bailing him out and let him feel the consequences of his actions. If he lets people down that's on him. He needs to feel it and reflect on his choices.

HarrietTheFly · 04/12/2019 20:34

When I was at uni (10 years ago) I shared a house with 5 other girls. 3 of us had part time jobs and paid our own rent from our earnings and student loans. The other 3 were funded by their families - 1 of those 3 had a few jobs (she kept getting sacked from them) but she wasn't reliant on the money like the 3 of us who paid for ourselves. I have to say I'd have loved it if my DM could have afforded to pay even part of my rent. I found it really hard at times, but she couldn't and I am glad I learned some lessons about managing money and fending for myself.

It comes across like he has a gambling problem. I don't gamble but find it hard to believe he won so much from a £5 bet. I think you're hearing just the tip of the iceberg.

I think you should say that you're taking the car away and he has to use what remains of his winnings to buy a new one. If he spends them and can't you will not bail him out. I'd even be tempted to start paying only half his rent and make him come up with the other half so he learns to be more responsible...I feel like expecting to pay all of it might be a bit of an unrealistic leap, though you've given him such a great start imo that it would not be unreasonable. Especially seeing as he had the 5k on top of it all.

QueenOfOversharing · 04/12/2019 20:51

@Babyroobs I have a 21 yr old DS, living at home with me, at uni & has p/t job. He is addicted to online gaming & it has been a horrific year or so. I'm not going into details on here - I honestly don't have the energy to be flamed for my parenting - but I really sympathise! I'll try to post some ideas when I have a clearer head.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/12/2019 21:00

He has time to gamble but not time to get a car. I bet he'd find the time of you took your car back and he had to get public transport

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