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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to withold his money ?

68 replies

Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 14:53

My ds1 is 20 and away at Uni. I'm becoming increasingly cross at his general behaviour and lying. He admits he cannot manage money and seems to lose very part time job he has ( always someone else's fault ). We pay his rent and he lives off his student loan and whatever he can earn. In his first term at Uni he managed to get through 5k that his grandparents had saved for him before they died, ideally it was meant to be for a house deposit or decent car .Now that is gone, he can't really account for where except that he went on fancy weekends with his gf, lots of take aways etc. He gambles and lies to me about it. He says none of the 5k went on gambling but I really don't know if I believe him. Two weeks ago he won 2.5k on a £5 bet and has spent around £700 of it on a fancy watch, expensive toothbrush etc !! Last week he was heading back to Uni when his car broke down, it had completely drained of oil and the RAC think it's terminal ( their words). Again I think he lied saying he was checking the oil but clearly hasn't been , there's no sign of a leak. As he does a lot of voluntary work ( he's not all bad !! ) that is invaluable for his course and will help towards him getting a job hopefully I ended up loaning him my decent, economical car, paid for a months insurance etc and we filled it with petrol. I asked him last weekend if he was gambling money, he promised he wasn't. On tues we received a car parking fine ( his car is registered in my husband name), for £60 for overstaying in a Casino car park at 2am - apparently tis was a special treat for a friends birthday. So again more lies about the gambling. I have made a deal with him today that unless he transfers the rest of the winnings into my account for safekeeping then I will have my car back and he will be carless and not be able to do the voluntary work he loves. He spends a fortune on fuel etc to do this work. His Uni housemates all seem to have rich parents that send them money each week. and pay for their cars. I guess I'm just wanting to ask what to do ? Are we being too soft, what to do about the lying ?? AIBU to keep hold of his money and just give him a weekly allowance? He is an adult, he has agreed to the plan as he admits he cannot manage his money despite our best intentions to teach him how to budget.

OP posts:

Heretodaygoneforgood · 05/12/2019 10:15

I’m wondering if he’s tried match betting and it’s got out of hand. That’s what happened with my son.

The team profit site is a great way to learn to make money by match betting. But and it’s a big but, you need iron self control not to let it turn to gambling.

The organizers also work with a team of online gamblers and recruit people on the quiet Via the Facebook group to join casino sites and play slots. They fund them and take a percentage of their wins.

That’s how my son got sucked in.

WorldEndingFire · 05/12/2019 12:03

So sorry you are going through this. With the behaviour pattern you have described I would also be concerned that he might have a drug habit and might be treating his friends, too. £5K is a lot to spend with nothing to account for it, even with a gambling habit.

What are his hopes and dreams and what is making him unhappy?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/12/2019 12:18

Are we being too soft

Christ, I wish you were my parents!

You've given him the life of Riley. And that's why he cannot budget, because you just bail him out.

Time for him to grow up and actually learn the value of money.

Stop enabling him.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/12/2019 12:32

With gambling you really need to go hard to try to nip it in the bud. He's blown through far too much money. Take everything and he gets a weekly allowance. He will have to learn to manage on that.

hellsbells99 · 05/12/2019 12:33

Does he get the full loan of approx. £9k or more like the minimum of £4k?
if the minimum, I can understand you paying the rent and the loan is to live off - which is what a lot of parents do (if you can afford it). If so, next term get him to transfer his loan straight to you and then you issue it monthly. That is more like the 'real' world where most people get paid monthly and learn to manage money monthly. Then if he needs extra money, he needs to earn it.
In the short term, it does sound as though he has a gambling problem which he will need help with.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/12/2019 13:50

FinallyHere You're assuming hearsay to be evidence; "my housemates' parents pay for them" and "they all gamble too" could be true, or it could just be an older version of "everyone else's mum and dad lets them have their phone overnight/stay out until 2am/whatever"

And despite the usual Mumsnet armchair diagnoses, we don't know he has a gambling addiction either. Again it could be true, but equally the money may have gone on something else he's even less keen to divulge

The point is that OP didn't know - and since she's not been back to say whether the money's been transferred I suspect she still doesn't

Original poster

Babyroobs · 05/12/2019 16:45

Sorry I've been at work all day. I just need to wait for Dh to get home to see if the money has gone into his account as I don't do online banking. He just gets the 4k loan which is why we pay his rent.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 05/12/2019 16:49

She does know he’s spent the whole £5K

She is enabling him and probably has done since he was young.

You need to be tough and stop letting him get away with his problems. He’s a grown man.

Original poster

Babyroobs · 05/12/2019 16:59

GreenTulips. My second son has had his money that grandparents saved for a year , he hasn't touched his. I've treated them all the same. I'd be interested to know what others would have done, would they have not allowed access to the money at 18 ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Babyroobs · 05/12/2019 17:01

And what do you mean by enabling him since he was young ? I've tried to be a good parent. He earned his own money from 13 with a paper round.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 05/12/2019 17:17

You don’t treat them all the same - that’s not meeting their needs.

My son have learning difficulties he needs different support. He spends money like water so I have his savings account and he gets pocket money. The girls save their win money for bigger items.

We budget and show him how to make his money last or consider X or Y he wants or days out etc. Some take longer than others.

lynxca16 · 05/12/2019 17:23

Why not ring DH? As he does on line banking he will have access to the account. At least you will know what/if any monies have been transferred.

lisag1969 · 05/12/2019 17:30

I would withhold his money and make him go to gamblers anonymous. X

DonPablo · 05/12/2019 17:35

Act now. Do not become the go to option. Let him know now that you're not a mug. Because if you don't.... Well, think about it. Think about him being 39, 40, 50 even. Because I know a family trapped in this cycle with an almost 50 yo man.

If you want to make sure he ways, but one of those sainsbury gift cards that has two card on one account. You can top up on yours and he can spend on his. At least you know he won't starve.

You can see this for what it is. Act on that information. Gambling addictions are one of the hardest to break.

DonPablo · 05/12/2019 17:35

Make sure he eats.

Original poster

Babyroobs · 05/12/2019 18:55

Just an update. £1400 has cleared into dh's account and he has about £150 to last until the end of term. I'm relieved there is some left and it's safe. I understand what you all mean about making him responsible for his own budgeting but replacing the car is so important to him that I'm just hugely relieved we have it for safekeeping now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Babyroobs · 05/12/2019 18:57

He does seem very unhappy today. I think there's a lot of Uni work to get completed and he recently split with his gf who he had been with for most of 4 years.

OP posts:

HomeEdRocks18 · 10/12/2019 19:39

He needs tough love. He's an adult and should be paying for himself.

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