Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to withold his money ?

68 replies

Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 14:53

My ds1 is 20 and away at Uni. I'm becoming increasingly cross at his general behaviour and lying. He admits he cannot manage money and seems to lose very part time job he has ( always someone else's fault ). We pay his rent and he lives off his student loan and whatever he can earn. In his first term at Uni he managed to get through 5k that his grandparents had saved for him before they died, ideally it was meant to be for a house deposit or decent car .Now that is gone, he can't really account for where except that he went on fancy weekends with his gf, lots of take aways etc. He gambles and lies to me about it. He says none of the 5k went on gambling but I really don't know if I believe him. Two weeks ago he won 2.5k on a £5 bet and has spent around £700 of it on a fancy watch, expensive toothbrush etc !! Last week he was heading back to Uni when his car broke down, it had completely drained of oil and the RAC think it's terminal ( their words). Again I think he lied saying he was checking the oil but clearly hasn't been , there's no sign of a leak. As he does a lot of voluntary work ( he's not all bad !! ) that is invaluable for his course and will help towards him getting a job hopefully I ended up loaning him my decent, economical car, paid for a months insurance etc and we filled it with petrol. I asked him last weekend if he was gambling money, he promised he wasn't. On tues we received a car parking fine ( his car is registered in my husband name), for £60 for overstaying in a Casino car park at 2am - apparently tis was a special treat for a friends birthday. So again more lies about the gambling. I have made a deal with him today that unless he transfers the rest of the winnings into my account for safekeeping then I will have my car back and he will be carless and not be able to do the voluntary work he loves. He spends a fortune on fuel etc to do this work. His Uni housemates all seem to have rich parents that send them money each week. and pay for their cars. I guess I'm just wanting to ask what to do ? Are we being too soft, what to do about the lying ?? AIBU to keep hold of his money and just give him a weekly allowance? He is an adult, he has agreed to the plan as he admits he cannot manage his money despite our best intentions to teach him how to budget.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 21:07

QueenofOversharing - I'm sorry to hear about your son, it's a real worry isn't it. We are so careful with money and I'm so worried especially with the lying and everything.
To all those saying about the business of not having time to find a car, it's more a case of obviously we want to help him choose something decent. I got terribly ripped off as a 20 year old buying a car and we just want to make sure the same thing doesn't happen to him. With him being at Uni 200 miles away we can't help him look realistically until the Christmas holidays. If it wasn't for him needing the car for this valuable work experience which would mean letting others down badly ( one being some work he is doing at a premier league football team ) I would not have loaned it. I know you are all giving absolute good advice. We pay his rent as many parents do as he can't get a full loan anyway because of our earnings.

OP posts:
QueenOfOversharing · 04/12/2019 21:11

@Babyroobs yeah, I thought it got easier at this age! I'm not liking the judgement of your parenting on here, so I won't go into detail, but if you ever fancy a chat, give me a message. I've found a brand new therapy service for online gaming (it might include gambling - set up by expert in addiction) but DS refusing to engage.

Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 21:11

I should add he does have part time jobs, worked the whole of the summer holidays and has been doing some work during term time but it was seasonal and he has messed them about a bit with trying to fit all this voluntary work in. He hopefully has bar work lined up in our village for Christmas . His Uni housemates all seem to gamble which is worrying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 21:16

Queen - thank you, it would be good to chat. I don't feel too judged, I know we have been too soft. He is our eldest, my second son is the total opposite so careful with money and so sensible so I think it is just Ds1's reckless nature, he just seems to lunge from one crisis to the next. I've had a horrible year moving to a job which didn't work out and ended up on anti depressants and just can't deal with all the stress.

OP posts:
Thestrangestthing · 04/12/2019 21:24

I think he's lying about the money he won. Also I wouldn't be surprised if he's spent the money he says he has left. I live with a gambling addict and trust me, they lie through their teeth, sometimes I think my dp actually believes the lies he tells me. He may need help for his gambling before it gets worse.
I hope he can change OP, gambling addiction is horrendous to live with.

Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 21:34

We will see if he has any money left later - he is meant to be transferring it to our account tonight for safekeeping leaving himself enough to live on until the end of term.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 21:37

I don't think he's lying about the money he won. I don't think he would have told me about the big win had my dh not been there when he realised he'd won and my dh told me. Because I have been so cross about the gambling before I don't think he would have told me about the win.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 04/12/2019 21:41

You shouldn’t be mollycoddling him like you are doing.

How is he ever going to learn to manage his own money if you keep hold of it?

It’s time to sink or swim, and if he’s sinking, he needs to learn to float himself.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 04/12/2019 21:45

He won 2.5K on a fiver bet. But how much has he lost over the past few months? You say 5k is gone. You'd be naieve to believe that none of it was on gambling. What money does he gamble? And how does he keep it separate? All money for a gambler is pooled. Betting gets what it needs to get and the rest of life fits around that.

A gambler lies, about everything. How much money the owe, how much money they spend, what it's spent on, his much is gambled, his much is lost, sometimes how much is won?

He's an adult. A young adult, but an adult just the same. You have no influence over his gambling. You can't control it. It controls him (and you to a certain extent). Learn to step back and let go. For as long as you're propping him up and stopping him from failing, and facing the consequences of his behaviour he'll never stop. Because he'll never have to. For as long as others are willing to sort out his troubles, he has no need to.

Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 21:50

We don't mollycoddle him generally only money wise whilst he is studying. I just can't let that remaining money be gambled away if he is willing to let me keep it safe.

OP posts:
QueenOfOversharing · 04/12/2019 21:50

@Babyroobs awwwe sorry to hear you're having a difficult year - you definitely don't need this stress too. FWIW I don't think it's about being too soft, I don't think we can ever anticipate these things & I know ppl who are incredibly hard line with their kids & yet have nightmares with them.

Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 21:51

Tellme. He can't account for where the 5k has gone, he bought an £800 MacBook for Uni but can't account for the rest. He admits he is rubbish with money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyroobs · 04/12/2019 21:54

We've never had any problems with him drinking excessively or taking drugs or anything, just this lying and gambling, it's breaking my heart because as everyone has said it is an addiction.

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 04/12/2019 21:59

Agree the biggest problem is likely the gambling addiction but there is more-- he has lost a CAR due to not bothering to check the oil ?! And you are picking up the slack, he'll end up with another car- will that one run out of oil too?
I think it starts with the gambling but goes further than that. Maybe you're too soft, hard to say without knowing him whether feeling more desperate for money would drive him further into gambling, drive him to borrow from his gambling housemates..
Surely on here and on the internet there are stories of lives ruined by gambling. maybe getting into support for the gambling is the right start but it seems like he's got some problems with managing money even outside that. Sounds really frustrating and worrying for you.

Dragongirl10 · 04/12/2019 22:00

Stop babying him op he is an adult, he is a man not a child!

Withdraw all support except for rent, and let him learn the hard way.

crispysausagerolls · 04/12/2019 22:10

It’s 10pm. If he hasn’t transferred the money by now I would be very suspicious.

heartsonacake · 04/12/2019 22:17

You shouldn’t mollycoddle him at all, especially with finances. It’s so important that he learns to manage his own money, and with you holding it he will never do that.

You are prolonging his lack of financial ability and enabling him.

You need to let him get on with things. If he gambles all his money away, he has to live with that. That is the only way he will learn.

AJPTaylor · 04/12/2019 22:29

Dd first year at uni. Loan covered not quite all of her rent (london). All of her loan went on rent and we paid the rest. She had 35 a week from us in her account on a Monday morning. Everything else she had to earn. She ended year one without an overdraft.
Year 2 I moved to putting money in monthly. Year 3 We put in about 400 a month so she could work less.She ended with a tiny overdraft.
Op. Crack down totally and send him for counselling about gambling.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/12/2019 09:18

So did he transfer the money last night ... ?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/12/2019 09:20

You're going to help him buy a car! He's 20 ffs!! I know you got ripped off, and it's a harsh lesson, but you're doing him no favours whatsoever by treating him like a 10 yr old.

A lot of 20yr olds have jobs, mortgages, kids etc and they cope just fine. Let him be an adult OP.

RandomMess · 05/12/2019 09:23

The priority has to be him sorting his gambling addiction and that may mean intercalating uni (think that's the right term).

Gambling has such serious consequences it needs to be sorted and he has to want to do it.

ThePants999 · 05/12/2019 09:40

If he really did win £2500 on a £5 bet, he was putting money on 500:1 odds. In other words, throwing it away, 99.8% of the time. I certainly didn't have money spare to throw down the drain at uni...

FinallyHere · 05/12/2019 09:52

His Uni housemates all seem to have rich parents that send them money each week. and pay for their cars.

No one else appears to have referred to this point. He is living with people for whom money appears to be no object and he is living beyond his means.

Gambling may appear to be the best way to get the means to keep up with them

His Uni housemates all seem to gamble which is worrying.

He really needs better friends. And different accommodation, too.

I hated it when my parents criticised my friends but looking back, I can see they were right.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 05/12/2019 09:57

Online gambling is a fucking nightmare.

ExDP became addicted to it whilst I was pregnant with DC1; I’m going back 12 years now, we were both 21 at the time.

I found out, went straight to MIL as I was distraught (had just got out of hospital after a bleed at 24 weeks); she was furious and embarrassed that he’d gambled away all of his 10k savings (he’d lived with her previously under the board 1/3, save 1/3, spend a 1/3 rule).

Basically. I had to put anti gamble software on our home PC, MIL put it on hers, she took his bank card from him and changed his online banking, transferred money to our joint account for us. All with ExDPs agreement, of course. He was devastated to have been so stupid.

It was a hard few months; he resented me and MIL, kept insisting he could win it all back etc. It’s a long road to recovery.

He’s had one relapse that I’m aware of, when we split up 7 years later.

I imagine it’s much harder to stop now with smart phones, tablets, smart TVs, many other ways to gamble.

FraglesRock · 05/12/2019 10:06

I'd make the offer that he transfers all his money to you and you'll send back a weekly allowance then he can keep the car til Christmas. If he still needs your input you can still parent him.
However if he says he'll sort it himself then I'd take my car back and he can sort the consequences.
I'd be worried about credit card debt too tbh.