AIBU - different backgrounds impacting relationship

[Bubbletrouble007]

Hi all,

I'm think is in an AIBU. I know I might get flamed for talking about class or backgrounds but please bear with me.

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we live together and overall I am very happy. He is the love of my life and I've not felt this way with anyone before... but there are a few niggles that I can't seem to get past. I have tried to reason things in my head but not sure if I am being unreasonable and seeking 'perfection' or they are just normal niggles and I'm being picky / pedantic.

My partner and I come from very different backgrounds. I know this shouldn't make a difference and love is love, but I question whether some of these niggles are normal and are outside my comfort zone or whether they are red flags / niggles.

Just as a bit of context, I come from a very average family was the first to attend university and now have a professional well-paid role. I have funded my own lifestyle and very much 'save for a rainy day's person (I think due to years of being on my own and being the only person I can rely on) I wouldn't say I am tight, but try to avoid unnecessary expense or waste.

My partner comes from a very privileged background, only has to ask and he will receive. I wouldn't say spoilt, but expects the best of that makes sense.

I am the breadwinner in the family and manage the household. I have sat down and tried to teach him re bills and budgets etc. but he just cant seem to grasp that budgets exist etc. For example, let's have the heating on 24 hours a day (even though we both work FT), whereas I argue it's a waste of money and energy.

We have a joint account for Bill's but general expenses are our own. Neither of us are in debt but saving hard for a wedding and larger home. I sometimes feel like i am the only one cutting back on things or actively making an effort.

Anyway a few of the niggles are below

1. Alcohol content - every meal with his family involves FIL opening a bottle of champagne. At our home, he has to open a bottle of wine with every meal. It could be fish and chips or a Sunday roast but there is always a glass or two on the go. There isn't a dependency but it's a treat (albeit daily).

I have cut my intake down considerably when we first spoke about saving money, as feel this would be a big saving and now I feel like I'm questioning whether alcohol is such a high part of his life or just a normal part of his upbringing. Think huge wine cellars in parents house etc. Different wines for different courses etc.

1. Clothes - I've not bought new clothes for well over a year, but my OH will pop to John Lewis for a pack of new socks or underwear because all the others are in the laundry basket (clean but need to be put away - which I refuse to pick up after him) I feel frustrated about the waste but have to remind myself that it is his money.

1. Wedding - I'd like a small do, family and few friends but his parents want a huge do and he feels we should accept their offer. I feel there are issues of control already and feel accepting this offer may just add to hostility. (For example, I was told that he is used to a certain lifestyle that needs to be maintained when we moved in together.... I am clearly not what they expected him to be with).

1. Lunch - I take a packed lunch to work every day to save money, whereas he will drive 15 mins to M and S to get a sandwich (also petrol costs)

1. Gifts - his parents continue to splurge on all children (all 30s plus) and he regularly comes home with new gifts. He admits he doesnt want them or like items but doesnt want to rock the boat. However, I feel there is no value in anything. He has two bags of gifts still in the boot of his car from 2 months ago as he isn't overly fussed by them. I have bought him gifts for anniversaries and birthdays etc but he doesnt know where they are. The lack of value and respect really hurts me .

There are probably other examples I can think of, but wonder whether I am too tight and set in my ways and these niggles are just going to get bigger or I need to accept our different upbringing and that this type of behaviour is completely normal.

I guess its AIBU - this is normal and just a clash of backgrounds or YANBU - these niggles are red flags.

As I said overall I am very happy and we get on so well. He is very down to earth and is a wonderful partner. I'm just confused and frustrated that I'm the one who see's money as not a never ending pit!

Thanks

Sounds like fairly serious niggles to me; you aren't married yet but these seem like they get on your nerves. What do you think they'll be like in 5 years? Only you can know the answer to that.
Being from different backgrounds will make a difference yes. I couldn't live with the frivolous money spending though, not that I'm a tightwad but don't believe in just wasting it (e.g. buying socks because you can't be added to put clean ones away, an issue by itself in my opinion!).

I think the fact that everything revolves around the two extremes of money is sad.

With the alcohol is the issue the money or the amount he's drinking?

Are you both saving the same amount towards the wedding?
Do you both have the same amount of spare money each month?

Imagine when you have kids this is just going to snowball.

You both have VERY different attitudes to money. I’m not sure they are reconciliable.

For me this all hinges on exactly how badly you are affected by his financial choices.

If he isn't saving anything at all for the wedding, then I think you are right to be annoyed. Or if you are having to bail him out to pay the bills etc. While you say you are the breadwinner, you don't make it that clear if he contributes somewhat or not at all, so it's difficult to have an opinion on that.

If it's just a case of him wasting his 'fun' money in ways you find frivolous, then I'd probably overlook that and let it go.

I don't think anyone's being unreasonable- you simply just have two compliments different views on things? And I don't really see the issue with this. You could easily get married and still have separate finances and spend as much or little as your own money as you'd like. But if you feel like it won't work then end it, he's not doing anything wrong though, like you said it's just different ways of being brought up

Well, I'd say it comes down to goals and dreams. You say you're the breadwinner - so does that mean you're paying the bulk of the bills and doing all the saving while he's spending his money on random things? Does he want to save? or does he think it's unnecessary? Or does he think he can ignore it because you are doing it.

If you aren't working towards the same objectives, then I think the relationship will struggle. Particularly when things get harder - you're on maternity leave and money is tighter or trying to cope with the difficulty of a family issue like illness or death.

For me, if neither of you are in debt and you're successfully saving, I'd be fine with his spending. But that doesn't mean you have to. Perhaps you'd rather save faster or for something bigger. Doesn't matter. The point is that you're not on the same page.

The stuff about his parents gifts etc is all irrelevant except that it sounds like you don't like his family and/or they don't like you so that's also a potentially long term problem.

What’s going to happen if you have children? Will he keep spending will parents expect them to go to private schools, who will pay?

Hi everyone

Thank you for your responses so far.

Financially we put an amount into the joint account each month and this covers all Bill's. Whatever we have left is ours to spend / save etc. I have been squirrelling away approx. 700 a month for the past 12 months towards our future. I dont have to bail him out but when I asked recently how the savings were going he had approx 1k over the same time period. I just feel that I'm the one making sacrifices and he continues with the lifestyle he had before getting together. I cant afford m and s food shops every month, whereas he presumes this is a normal place to shop if that makes sense?

I dont think I am tight, but I cant seem to get him to realise that we dont earn the same amount as his parents and lifestyle has to change. I think it is naivety about the real world rather than a spoilt attitude if that makes sense.

I fear this is the case, that it will continue to grow and become a bigger problem for me (which I think is why I needed outsider advice as to whether I was being reasonable etc) which is a shame as he is perfect in so many ways.

Re the alcohol - I dont think there is a need to have a glass of wine with every meal and it does irk me. To me, this is a luxury whereas he thinks it is the norm due to family upbringing. I'm not sure if it is my issue and understanding that is a problem here or I'm becoming anti drinking!

Thanks everyone :)

I'm sure he's a lovely guy OP, but these sound like huge differences.

The bit that stood out to me was "I was told that he is used to a certain lifestyle that needs to be maintained when we moved in together." However, you also state that you are the breadwinner, even though you both work FT. Does he have a very low paid job then? How is he affording to pay his way and splurge on unnecessary things? Were his parents expecting you to maintain his luxurious lifestyle? I'd be thinking long and hard whether these issues are insurmountable before committing to being married.

Cross posted with your update. So you've saved approx £8K in a year and he's only saved £1K? I'm still not clear on how much your incomes differ as you say you are the breadwinner.

Hi Top

Our income only differs by 4k, which I know doesnt sound a lot. I suppose with the breadwinner comment, my wages continue to increase and I can put myself forward for promotion whereas that's not an option in his line of work.

With regard to maintaining his lifestyle, I believe that they are under the impression that he earns more and I view him as a good catch.... or at least this is the impression they give via off hand comments. I'm not a gold digger in the slightest and have little interest in material possessions. It's very much a 'need to be seen' Aura within his family, and I'm not particularly fashionable etc. Which I think also is plays into the need for him to be seen maintaining a lifestyle. For example, I will wear leggings and an old hoody to potter around in the garden but I shouldn't be doing that as that's what gardeners are for. I do the cleaning in the house.... again we should have a cleaner etc. I'm not sure I am making much sense but trying to give a feel as to the context of my niggles :)

I think it can work if you buy a property but get a deed of trust drawn up so that your personal contribution towards the deposit is recognised in the event of a split.

So you're earning fairly similar amounts but you've saved £8000 and he's saved £1000? Have you asked him if he thinks it's fair that in a year or so, when you've saved £16k and he's only saved £2k that i twill be fair for all your savings to be used to buy a house/pay for a wedding etc? Does he WANT to pay for a wedding or buy a nicer house? How exactly does he think this will happen if he's saving so little?

Thanks busybee, yes I have always been up front about this with him as I have brought a lot more into the relationship via savings and will use a chunk for a deposit.

These differences are only going to escalate as you become more financially intertwined. I can imagine you will start to greatly resent his rather profligate ways as you will be funding it. This doesn’t sound like you’re going to be able to reconcile to a middle ground.

Your minor niggles are in fact huge I think and difficult really to reconcile

What is the household work split like?

Why not get a joint savings account and agree on the amount of money you’d both equally like to save each month?

With the wine, if it’s not the drinking itself that is concerning you, maybe try to get him into the wines at Aldi where there are some hidden gems.

If you disagree on these things now, are you not concerned by future disagreements on house size, area, child raising - ie private schooling, nurseries etc.

Does his mother work too? I think that is somewhat relevant.

I don’t think the issue here is a clash of cultures, certainly there is nothing unusual in either your attitude or his. The issue is that he doesn’t earn enough to live that way. I have a DH who is very similar while I am more similar to you (although I default to your fiancés attitude minus the excessive drinking, I moderate my spending according to my circumstances the way you do). I wouldn’t marry him unless you can get it through his head that he isn’t a high earner and not are you so there will come a point (most likely when you have children) where he won’t be able to meet all of his costs and you won’t be able to help. He either needs to get a grip and start saving for children/retirement or you need to break up with him. It’s really not worth the agro, trust me.

Do not intertwine your finances.
These are big issues imo, money is one of the top things couples argue about.

Is he work shy? Is there any future in his work, long term projections? Would you finance him if he wasn’t working ?
He has a cushion (his parents) and I’d be cautious he does not line his nest to use you the same way.

I am the breadwinner in the family and manage the household.

I haven’t read the whole thread but this usually means you are the person that earns all the money. Or do just mean that you earn a bit more than him?

It sounds like this will only get worse-he isn’t earning the sort of salary that allows him to shop at Marks and Spencer’s for lunch! Have you said that to him?

He needs to either get a better job or spend less.

What will happen when you have kids?

What sort of job does he have and what scope is there for promotion?

He sounds great tbh. The FIL and the champagne would be enough!

These are not minor niggles. He's financially lazy (buys new socks because he can't find a clean pair??!)

Don't marry him until he gets a grip.

Also this incensed me:
I was told that he is used to a certain lifestyle that needs to be maintained when we moved in together
He can maintain it by getting a better fucking job then, can't he.

I'd be spelling it out to his snotty family. I earn xx and he earns yy. Don't be coy, don't protect him.

Do not intertwine your finances.

Seriously!! His family are loaded. Definitely intertwine your finances. His parents won't live forever!

I do the cleaning in the house....

Why am I not surprised?