AIBU - different backgrounds impacting relationship

[Bubbletrouble007]

Hi all,

I'm think is in an AIBU. I know I might get flamed for talking about class or backgrounds but please bear with me.

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we live together and overall I am very happy. He is the love of my life and I've not felt this way with anyone before... but there are a few niggles that I can't seem to get past. I have tried to reason things in my head but not sure if I am being unreasonable and seeking 'perfection' or they are just normal niggles and I'm being picky / pedantic.

My partner and I come from very different backgrounds. I know this shouldn't make a difference and love is love, but I question whether some of these niggles are normal and are outside my comfort zone or whether they are red flags / niggles.

Just as a bit of context, I come from a very average family was the first to attend university and now have a professional well-paid role. I have funded my own lifestyle and very much 'save for a rainy day's person (I think due to years of being on my own and being the only person I can rely on) I wouldn't say I am tight, but try to avoid unnecessary expense or waste.

My partner comes from a very privileged background, only has to ask and he will receive. I wouldn't say spoilt, but expects the best of that makes sense.

I am the breadwinner in the family and manage the household. I have sat down and tried to teach him re bills and budgets etc. but he just cant seem to grasp that budgets exist etc. For example, let's have the heating on 24 hours a day (even though we both work FT), whereas I argue it's a waste of money and energy.

We have a joint account for Bill's but general expenses are our own. Neither of us are in debt but saving hard for a wedding and larger home. I sometimes feel like i am the only one cutting back on things or actively making an effort.

Anyway a few of the niggles are below

1. Alcohol content - every meal with his family involves FIL opening a bottle of champagne. At our home, he has to open a bottle of wine with every meal. It could be fish and chips or a Sunday roast but there is always a glass or two on the go. There isn't a dependency but it's a treat (albeit daily).

I have cut my intake down considerably when we first spoke about saving money, as feel this would be a big saving and now I feel like I'm questioning whether alcohol is such a high part of his life or just a normal part of his upbringing. Think huge wine cellars in parents house etc. Different wines for different courses etc.

1. Clothes - I've not bought new clothes for well over a year, but my OH will pop to John Lewis for a pack of new socks or underwear because all the others are in the laundry basket (clean but need to be put away - which I refuse to pick up after him) I feel frustrated about the waste but have to remind myself that it is his money.

1. Wedding - I'd like a small do, family and few friends but his parents want a huge do and he feels we should accept their offer. I feel there are issues of control already and feel accepting this offer may just add to hostility. (For example, I was told that he is used to a certain lifestyle that needs to be maintained when we moved in together.... I am clearly not what they expected him to be with).

1. Lunch - I take a packed lunch to work every day to save money, whereas he will drive 15 mins to M and S to get a sandwich (also petrol costs)

1. Gifts - his parents continue to splurge on all children (all 30s plus) and he regularly comes home with new gifts. He admits he doesnt want them or like items but doesnt want to rock the boat. However, I feel there is no value in anything. He has two bags of gifts still in the boot of his car from 2 months ago as he isn't overly fussed by them. I have bought him gifts for anniversaries and birthdays etc but he doesnt know where they are. The lack of value and respect really hurts me .

There are probably other examples I can think of, but wonder whether I am too tight and set in my ways and these niggles are just going to get bigger or I need to accept our different upbringing and that this type of behaviour is completely normal.

I guess its AIBU - this is normal and just a clash of backgrounds or YANBU - these niggles are red flags.

As I said overall I am very happy and we get on so well. He is very down to earth and is a wonderful partner. I'm just confused and frustrated that I'm the one who see's money as not a never ending pit!

Thanks

You say he is "down to earth" but you describe actions and inherited beliefs that are not.
At the moment you are in the "honeymoon period" of love. That does NOT last.
I would say you are incompatible with him on a very serious and important topic and to claim otherwise is to be blind.

Don't marry him.
Don't breed with him.
Do not allow him access to your funds which are your safety net for the future.
Live with him until you have had enough of his profligate lifestyle and sneering relations, then leave.
Seriously. This guy is not a "keeper".

The lack of a financial safety net when growing up stays with you forever, whether you are super careful with money or spending it like a sailor on leave. But if you are the careful one with money and the more privileged partner isn't, it will be a car crash waiting to happen in my experience.

It can be very difficult. I was the privileged one in my marriage. My parents paid for our wedding back in 88 and helped us with our house deposit but they were never controlling in any way so DH was happy to accept.

DH and I came from very different backgrounds financially speaking but both families had similar values when it came to marriage and children and that was what mattered. The money was less important.

Once your in-laws to be realise that it's you who are the main earner you may find their approach changes. Has your DP misled them about his income?

Personally, I think financial compatibility is the most essential element for a successful marriage.

If you have different approaches to money and savings, you will spend your whole life resenting him.

If you aren’t compatible financially, I think you need to question how right you really are for each other.

The problem is really that he’s a bit irresponsible and careless with money. He doesn’t see the value of it. If his family were millionaires but he’d been taught to appreciate money by having Saturday jobs or seeing his parents sacrifice things of not overindulge him, for example, it probably would be very different. Could it be that he feels he has a safety net behind him (his parents) so subconsciously doesn’t see the need to sacrifice any comforts as he’ll never gave money problems even if he throws money away?

*have, not gave

He sounds like an absolute dick TBH.

IMO you may disagree about a lot of things but as a couple there are three areas on which you must have a similar approach:

1. Attitudes to money and particularly how you spend and save money
2. Whether you want children
3. Tidiness/cleanliness

Otherwise there will be endless rows and you will probably end up splitting up.

Those aren't niggles. They are major differences.

Similar backgrounds and views is a much better reason for a marriage to thrive than love alone. We can all deeply love someone who is incompatible with ourselves.

I would not marry him unless and until those issues are resolved. If you do, you are setting yourself up for failure. Most arguments in marriages are over money and children. If you don't sort the money attitude out it will be compounded by the challenges of parenthood. Sorry.

It sounds like you too have very different attitudes and expectations towards money. You have always worked for what you want and are very aware of the price of everything. You have set yourself a goal regarding your future together and are beavering away to get there. Your fiancé on the other hand has had an easier ride and is more relaxed towards money as he hasn't had to consider these things and is used to having anything he wants. That's obviously a result of his privileged upbringing. It's a hard concept to understand if you have never experienced a lack of money and this is your issue, I think. How do you retrain someone to your way if this is a deal breaker for you? Is there a happy compromise for you both? I would suggest some joint counselling. His willingness to engage and make changes will be a good indication for your future relationship.

Yoh have very different outlooks with regard to money. You value saving, because you need that nest egg having grown up without one. He on the other hand has never had to save because presumably there has always been something in reserve for a rainy day. You could afford M&S or any other purchased lunch, you could afford a cleaner but you choose not to, instead saving the money and doing it yourself. That is how you were raised. He was raised the opposite. For it to work you will have to meet somewhere in the middle.

It seems like you’re sacrificing a lot financially to save for your future with this man, but he doesn’t seem to be putting the same effort in. If he hasn’t got to grips with saving and budgeting by now, he probably never will.
What do you think he would say if you stopped the levels of saving you’re doing and matched his and said that you wouldn’t be getting married until you had both saved an equal amount? Would that bother him?

On a positive, you’ll probably never have to worry about him getting into masses of secret debt though, he’ll have mum and dad to bail him out by the sounds of it.

Well, I think these things only seem like a big deal if he is expecting you to shoulder all the financial burden of these choices.

If you are putting money in a joint account, that should be proportionate to your incomes and your joint savings should come from that (so in a sense, saving for the wedding, etc becomes a monthly bill that you both contribute to fairly).

Then if he wants to buy M&S every day for lunch or a bottle of wine from his personal account every day, who cares? As long as he isn’t expecting you to buy his luxuries.

The drinking with meals thing sounds like a cultural difference. I also don’t think that’s a big deal. I love a glass - or more accurately a bottle - of wine, but I enjoy it Friday to Sunday. I don’t drink during the week. I know some people who always have wine with dinner. Certainly most of France does. My friend studied in Italy and her uni halls had a student canteen and they just set the table at every meal with endless jugs of wine for the students, even at lunch in between lectures! Maybe you just need to talk about saving money by cutting back to only drinking 3-4 days a week or whatever.

The bigger issue is how this will pan out over the years when life gets more complicated and expenses potentially greater. It sounds like you really need to discuss future plans and incomes and how you plan to afford a bigger house, children if plan to have them, etc. Those things change disposable income significantly and you will both need to adjust to those changes over the years.

Dh and I did several sessions of premarital counselling with our wedding officiant in the year before our wedding, a requirement for anyone she marries. It was very useful and she made us hash out exactly those details and the sort of future we both wanted to plan. It sounds like that would be a wise thing for you to do.

I don't understand.

You have described an absolute tosser. I'm sure he's charming and funny and good in bed, but apart from that he's absolutely fucking useless and a drain on your life.

Not only are you bankrolling this man, his parents are making you feel as though you are with him for his money!

Honestly, I doubt you'll take my advice, but I think you should leave him and start again with someone who shares your values. You sound great - that guy sounds a real twat.

Another thing he probably feels he doesnt need to save for a wedding as his parents have offered to pay for it. You don't want them to as you want a different type of wedding to them. But it sounds as though your DP would be happy with their type of wedding which in all fairness is probably the sort of thing he is used to. Again this is something you are both going to need to compromise on and meet somewhere in the middle

He's trying to live as his parents do but doesn't sound as if he can afford to.

To me he sounds absolutely ridiculous.

What is attractive about him?

But the op isnt bankrolling him. They splor bills then the rest is their own. He isnt saving she is. That is her choice.

You have very different approaches to money and that can lead to a lot of problems, neither of you is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but financial incompatibility is a major reason relationships fail.

My DH & I have been married over 30 years and whilst our marriage is far from perfect we do have fairly similar attitudes to money, for example we are both savers rather than spenders (although we both enjoy a glass of wine with our meal every evening ).

I would find it very hard to be with someone who had a totally different approach to finances than my own.

But the op isnt bankrolling him. They splor bills then the rest is their own. He isnt saving she is. That is her choice.

They are a couple. Who's going to pay for things in their new home? For holidays? This guy spends all his money on himself, despite agreeing to save. He knows that he will always be bailed out - by his parents and now by the OP.

Unless he has a complete change of personality, I don't think it'll get better. The alcohol consumption will not go away and the spendthrift habits will not alter. Personally, I do not feel you are well suited. Even if he does change, it will be two of you against his family instead of just you. Sorry. x

He could save more she could save less, neither is right or wrong. There needs to be compromise on both sides or split up.

Neither of you are “wrong”here. It sounds like he can afford his treats - but isn’t bothered about saving.

While my family aren’t loaded - when we saved for our marriage I saved less knowing that my dp’s would be gifting me some - same with the house deposit. Dh was fine with this - it’s just how it is.

Honestly - I’d find you a bit of a killjoy - but that’s just my attitude to money. I know many will think the other way around and find your dh wasteful.

Depending on your age, and incomes a £4K difference may be nothing and a single job change could mean that your dh ends up earning more. Would he be likely to save more then- or just spend more - and how would you feel about that?

I think you also need to have a joint savings account where you both contribute equally for joint future spending like a wedding/house/joint holiday.
Then separately I would, if I were you, have a personal savings account. You get joy/security from having a safety net, he doesn't as his family are his safety net. But if his saving have to start matching yours, then he is going to have to start recognising the fact that money is finite.

If its his money its for him to decide how he spends it and i presume he's not worried about the future cos of an inheritance. If you earn good money yourself not sure why you are so worried about it - bringing in pack lunches etc. Let him enjoy his money

What stands out to me is that he appears to have a "Why should I see it from your point of view?" "Why should I change anything?". To me that is a potential red flag.

My dh and I are from even more different backgrounds than you and your fiancé. There have been misunderstandings and disagreements - something that is obvious to one is not necessarily so to the other. But we find compromises. Sometimes one changes the way they do things, sometimes the other does. Sometimes both or neither. But we always discuss it and understand our differences, and that we need to respect each other's way of doing things.

I don't think it's so much about money in your case as about entitlement and not seeing you as a complete person.

@VaguelySensible If dh told me to not buy lunches or wine out of my own money - I’m not sure I’d see it from his POV either.

If someone I had been with for just two years did it - I’d be even more

Am not saying op is wrong in her approach - but I don’t think her partner is either.