Did MIL deserve a secret Santa scolding?

[Laserbird16]

My SIL is hosting Christmas. It will be our DHs family (they are brothers) and her parents. We talked and both said how present buying is a bit out of control and secret Santa was proposed. I offered to organise as she is already doing a lot. I checked with the wider family and they are all supportive. We drew the names today and my MIL (who is a very nice lady just a bit of downer) said she would just give her person the money and they could buy their own present! I saw red and scolded her. I said that wasn't the point and she should buy the present herself. Was she going to just give them cash on Christmas Day? I feel bad I was abrupt with her, but really? Is this where we are now? This is why we're doing secret Santa as it did just end up as an exchange of money and was frankly joyless, plus SIL and I end up doing the present shopping by proxy.

She deserved it. She’s being lazy.

(tell her Amazon or argos!)

Tell her that’s very kind, as the rule is that if it’s cash it’s doubled!

Ooo I like this rule @fairislecable

While I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a present for a SS draw, I do think it's unreasonable to use it as an excuse to get your MIL to buy a present! You don't like gifts of money but that may not be true of everyone else included in the SS now.

We do a SS and have done for years, since one adult was a mature student and short of dosh. It does work well for us, but it's not for everyone.

Unreasonable for “scolding” another adult. Not unreasonable for saying “Hey, that’s not how it works, you Grinch!”

Actually this is where I don't get secret Santa.

So a group of 5 of you tell each other what you want of value £50and then pass exactly what you want to each other.
I don't see that as any difference to you agreeing not to buy, but all buy yourself something of value £50.
Why is it more joyous to open a single parcel knowing exactly what is in it, as opposed to going and buying what you want?

Secret Santa works best for me if you agree to little fun presents, things you wouldn't buy yourself.

My family refuse to do Secret Santa. Its very annoying.
Instead we just set a budget and tell each other what we want.

Talk about joyless... But at least everyone comes away happy I guess.

If your MIL is anything like my mother - she REFUSES to guess-buy gifts and insists on people telling her what they want. No point in scolding if so, but yes if shes just being lazy and has previously been good with present buying..

So a group of 5 of you tell each other what you want of value £50and then pass exactly what you want to each other.

That's exactly the opposite of every secret Santa I've ever done. The present is usually a surprise and the giver of the present is in theory supposed to be anonymous.

Perhaps that's why you don't get it?

Any reason why your DH and his brother can’t do it, instead of you and SIL doing it by proxy?

I saw red and scolded her

YABU for doing this to another adult.

Among family SS should be inexpensive and silly. Things designed to give everyone a laugh/smile and help the day along.

Surely just talk to her she doesn’t need to be scolded.. maybe she doesn’t know the person well or she doesn’t want to get it wrong.

You "scolded" her? Jeez.

I saw red and scolded her

Gosh, I'm glad that's not how it works in our family. A bit officious, what?

Don't think you should be seeing red and scolding her. You and the SIL agreed it amongst yourselves and got general agreement (presumably from MIL). don't see why you would take it so seriously. If I got money I would be happy enough because you get things cheaper after Christmas anyway but each to their own. Don't see how you are the authority on how your MIL should or should not behave with regard to presents. If the person she gets is annoyed fair enough.

She was being a grinch and you're a bit dramatic.

The amount of people who don’t understand the point of Secret Santa! The clue is in the name... it’s supposed to be anonymous, so that everybody can feel comfortable just buying the one gift at the set budget, and no one has to feel awkward if it’s not quite right either. The point of it is just to for everyone to have something to open on the day without everyone having to go mad or get stressed spending lots on loads of different tat/gifts.

(Not referring to anyone on this thread, btw, just thinking about previous groups I’ve been involved with.)

When it’s done right it’s a great way to do it - Limits spending and unnecessary stuff but everyone still gets one hopefully thoughtful gift.

There's great fun working out who's got who! I managed ours quite quickly, especially as OP bought his secret present through my Amazon account! Ours is done through an online thing called Elfster, seems to work well and has certainly made the present situation easier.

And yes, it’s definitely unreasonable to just give cash.

You 'scolded' her? Fuck that, I'd I were MIL, wouldn't be buying Miri managing scolding DIL anything

Scolded her?

Why not ask her if she wanted some company or help buying the present?

YABU
Some people are just not good at buying gifts even if they try very very hard to select something. By your MILs age they know this about themselves and know that money is a better gift than anything they can buy themselves. It’s not laziness, it’s like a disability.

To scold an adult for choosing to gift cash is very unreasonable. SS doesn’t have to be a physical gift. You are unreasonable to be so controlling and then to scold someone in public like that.

I don't think you're unreasonable but there are some people who honestly hate shopping and can never think of what to buy. Why not offer to get the gift for her? I expect it would be a relief.