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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did MIL deserve a secret Santa scolding?

72 replies

Laserbird16 · 04/12/2019 13:08

My SIL is hosting Christmas. It will be our DHs family (they are brothers) and her parents. We talked and both said how present buying is a bit out of control and secret Santa was proposed. I offered to organise as she is already doing a lot. I checked with the wider family and they are all supportive. We drew the names today and my MIL (who is a very nice lady just a bit of downer) said she would just give her person the money and they could buy their own present! I saw red and scolded her. I said that wasn't the point and she should buy the present herself. Was she going to just give them cash on Christmas Day? I feel bad I was abrupt with her, but really? Is this where we are now? This is why we're doing secret Santa as it did just end up as an exchange of money and was frankly joyless, plus SIL and I end up doing the present shopping by proxy.

OP posts:
puds11 · 04/12/2019 15:33

I’d rather have the money than a random present someone thinks I might like. But then again I don’t like Xmas or suprises Grin

YABU for ‘scolding’ an adult

diddl · 04/12/2019 15:37

Perhaps offer to help her with ideas?

I mean really, is cash on the day such a disappointment as an adult?

Surely better than something bought for the sake of it by someone who has no idea of what to get?

TheNavigator · 04/12/2019 15:41

You can always give cash alongside a present - a bottle of wine, a craft spirit, a luxury box of chocs. To give money only in a SS is joyless and curmudgeonly.

Reallynowdear · 04/12/2019 15:48

Why did you 'scold' her rather than have a conversation with her?

kateandme · 04/12/2019 16:03

Witchend because its nice to give and receive.to be festive.almost as if its i don't no...Christmas time?

kateandme · 04/12/2019 16:04

right now though.the cash would be great for me.but i know thats not the point of it in your current family group.

Ninkanink · 04/12/2019 16:06

I agree, small token gift (chocolates/wine/candle/scarf or gloves/insert as per well suited to the individual in question) + the remainder of the cash in a card would be absolutely fine. Depending on what the budget is, of course.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/12/2019 16:18

I'm assuming 'scolded' is a bit of hyperbole?

YANBU if you suggested to her that a gift would be more appropriate. YABU if you actually scolded her.

YA also BU if MiL has difficulties in shopping such as transportation or mobility issues. If so, it is NOT inappropriate to give cash if no family members are willing to take MiL to the shops. I took my mum Xmas shopping for a few years when she stopped driving, then when it just became too hard for her to fight the crowds I did her shopping for her. Eventually, she just started giving cash as she felt bad about sending me into the crowds.

Cohle · 04/12/2019 16:27

You sound controlling. It's not your place to tell another adult what they can and can't give for Christmas.

badguyduh · 04/12/2019 16:27

Among family SS should be inexpensive and silly. Things designed to give everyone a laugh/smile and help the day along

See, this is what I don't get at all. Some novelty item, like a tin of mints that have a "funny" label or wacky slippers you can't wear? Why not get something they'd actually be pleased to receive?

Helendee · 04/12/2019 16:31

What if MIL didn’t want to take part in the first place?
Hope she didn’t feel bullied into it.

Witchofzog · 04/12/2019 16:31

You scolded her? A grown woman? Who do you think you are to do this?

Ninkanink · 04/12/2019 16:36

It doesn’t have to be inexpensive or silly. Some people like it that way, others don’t. It should be a budget that suits everyone’s circumstances, and be whatever type of gift that best suits that family.

Ninkanink · 04/12/2019 16:36

And I also assumed that OP was being tongue in cheek with the scolding thing.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 04/12/2019 16:41

I've been in the position of being the person who is expected to come up with all the ideas and buy all the presents while others just hand over the cost of them. It's exhausting, so I can understand why you have decided to do this. It sounds like mil finds just buying one present too much trouble, that would annoy me, you probably could have spoken to her a little more kindly but I can understand why you snapped.

Witchend · 04/12/2019 16:55

kateandme
Witchend because its nice to give and receive.to be festive.almost as if its i don't no...Christmas time?

I totally agree it's nice to give and receive. The joy of choosing a present, seeing the recipient look pleased and like what you've chosen.
Which is why I'd rather put a lower budget on and give everyone a present.
Having everyone sit round and open one present which contains exactly what they gave the Amazon link for, strikes me as remarkably joyless.

AdriannaP · 04/12/2019 16:55

YANBU - my MIL often gave me cheques with a box of very cheap chocolates. Even a voucher would have been nicer. Very joyless (plus a hassle as I have to cash the cheques and my bank is not close by)

Ninkanink · 04/12/2019 17:02

I haven’t read all comments in detail so I might have missed it but has anyone actually said that it would just be a matter of clicking on an amazon link supplied by the recipient?

I don’t think that’s how most people do secret Santa/gift giving.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 04/12/2019 17:26

I saw red and scolded her. Why do you think it's appropriate to tell another adult off? Ime people who do so think they're above other people so they feel entitled to talk down to them. And thinking about it from your partner's perspective, if my partner did this to my mum I'd definitely be asking who on earth he thinks he is.

Whatever your views on cash and secret Santa, there's no reason you can't convey them in a calm, adult conversation.

ScreamingValenta · 04/12/2019 17:32

I think YABU. You and your SIL have decided to organise this, but that doesn't give you the right to 'scold' another family member for not wanting to do it your way.

BloggersBlog · 04/12/2019 17:33

Oh yes - as @fairislecable said, double the money if it's cash! Both winners then!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/12/2019 17:45

If you had explained to her fine. But if I got “scolded” by another adult they would be getting a lump of coal with instructions where to insert it.

ILearnedItFromABook · 04/12/2019 18:36

I feel sorry for MIL. If you have great ideas for what to give someone or draw an easy person to shop for, it's fun to go Christmas shopping, but if you don't have a clue what to give and feel stressed (and maybe even a bit guilty) at the prospect of getting it "wrong" and disappointing the recipient and wasting the money, it's not fun at all.

Some people might rather have the cash, tbh. If that's not likely to be the cast in this instance, maybe she could use a suggestion or steering in the right direction. Since you're so emphatic that it mustn't be cash, you might need to help her.

Personally, I love gift-shopping if I know what someone would like, but if I'm left stumbling in the dark, it's miserable and makes me dread the holidays!

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 04/12/2019 18:47

Scolded? Are you in Mallory Towers OP?

Ginger1982 · 04/12/2019 18:54

You scolded her? Overdramatising much?

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