Did MIL deserve a secret Santa scolding?

[Laserbird16]

My SIL is hosting Christmas. It will be our DHs family (they are brothers) and her parents. We talked and both said how present buying is a bit out of control and secret Santa was proposed. I offered to organise as she is already doing a lot. I checked with the wider family and they are all supportive. We drew the names today and my MIL (who is a very nice lady just a bit of downer) said she would just give her person the money and they could buy their own present! I saw red and scolded her. I said that wasn't the point and she should buy the present herself. Was she going to just give them cash on Christmas Day? I feel bad I was abrupt with her, but really? Is this where we are now? This is why we're doing secret Santa as it did just end up as an exchange of money and was frankly joyless, plus SIL and I end up doing the present shopping by proxy.

YABU. It was mean to ‘scold’ her. Not very festive!

@Witchend you're not getting the whole secret santa thing are you?! The point is you don't ask for a certain item so what you get is a surprise and you don't know who it's from. I agree that it would be joyless just to say hey buy me this and just have that to unwrap, but that isn't how any secret Santa I've been part of works!

“Scolding” is a peculiar word in this context. I wouldn’t imagine it being used in the context of anyone except a substantially older adult telling off a young child.

I wish my in-laws would have either given my dc the cash or asked us what they would like.
Instead they bought mindless tat year after year.
I don't get the anger at cash I think she probably just doesn't know what to buy.

I saw red and scolded her
Wow, who appointed you the secret Santa police?
Do grown adults really get this invested in Christmas gifts?

I'm on the fence with this as I would love to receive a carefully chosen delightful present, but the reality of SS is that it's usually some form of 'smelly' in which case I would much rather have a grubby fiver.

Maybe you MIL isn't a very confident gift buyer? Maybe just make sure she's buying for one of her sons.

I’ve just realised that “scolding” has been used for alliterative reasons - Secret Santa Scolding.

Makes sense (to me) now.

I think some people are assuming that a family SS is like a workplace one - token or novelty gifts for £5-£10 which usually end up not being used and are just a bit of a hassle all round.
A family SS usually involves buying one decent present for a loved one rather than having to buy for everyone in a rapidly-growing extended family. We’ve done it in my family for the last few years and it works well. No Amazon wish-lists involved, the presents are all surprises and are generally carefully considered.

Yes the two aren’t comparable at all, really.

You can always give cash alongside a present - a bottle of wine, a craft spirit, a luxury box of chocs. To give money only in a SS is joyless and curmudgeonly

I don't drink and don't want chocolates so both what be pretty thoughtless. Show me the money instead. And the only thing that is joy,ess and curmudgeonly is scolding MIL

And I also assumed that OP was being tongue in cheek with the scolding thing

Though judging by other MIL threads here where a grand,other cannot do right for doing wrong, scolding would be at the lighter end of responses and feelings to MILs

my MIL often gave me cheques with a box of very cheap chocolates. Even a voucher would have been nicer. Very joyless (plus a hassle as I have to cash the cheques and my bank is not close by)

Where is my little violin when I need it 🎻 ?

Yes but these are people who know each other well! They’re not going to buy alcohol for someone who doesn’t drink or chocolates for someone who hates them...unless the gift giver is deliberately being difficult and/or thoughtless, there’s no reason to think the token gift couldn’t be picked carefully and thoughtfully. Then you get a little gift to open, plus some money to spend.

Anyway this is why we don’t do gifts for Christmas now that we’re all adults. So much nicer and absolutely no stress/waste of money/tat/unwanted gifts.

If she wants to give cash, she should just opt out the Secret Santa and buy her own present.

Just imagining the thread if it was mil that did the same to you .

Cheer up, apologize and offer to help just to get the Christmas spirit back. 🎄

Depends on her age, if she’s in her 80’s I wouldn’t expect her to shop.
If she’s mobile, regularly gets bus or drives, suggest she just buy a nice gift set, from one of the bigger supermarkets.
She probably just doesn’t want to get your the wrong present.
It’s so difficult and obviously, people can be so nasty about it.

@BendingSpoons - I mange the Serious Scolding she would get for that !

Imagine, not I mange!!

I like to get cash as a present.
I think you should apologise to your MIL, perhaps say Christmas makes you a bit stressed.

@sparepantsandtoothbrush
That's how dh's family operate. They meet up and do a draw on names so they all know who is buying what and the hand over the John Lewis item code as soon as they know.

We suggested doing small presents was a nicer way, but one of the families rides roughshod over the others.

Secret Santa is a load of absolute shit. I wouldn’t like to have it imposed on me either.

“ the giver of the present is in theory supposed to be anonymous”

What is the point?