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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’ve gone no contact with siblings

110 replies

busyweeks78 · 04/12/2019 12:54

Do you regret it? How do you deal with still having a relationship with your parents when not talking to them? Do you plan to ever talk to them in the future?

OP posts:
Span1elsRock · 04/12/2019 21:46

I've been NC with my sister for 2 years. It's been a relief, tbh. She's the golden child, I'm the family scapegoat. She's the most toxic person I know, and whilst it's hard seeing Mum upset over it, I feel so much more relaxed not waiting for the next attack to come from her.

ims0rrydarlin · 04/12/2019 21:54

I’m pretty much NC with my brother. He’s a year elder than me so he’s always disliked me for that matter. Tolerated him when we were younger and in the same house.

Horrible, self obsessed pathetic excuse of a man. Very two faced. The whole world thinks he’s amazing but I know what he’s really like.

I went NC after a few years had passed after my mum died. Whenever we got together for the sake of my dad, he would kick off and somehow drag me into it and without fail always accuse me of killing our mum. My mum died from a stroke at 47, no one killed her. But I inherited everything so he claims I killed her for the inheritance. And according to him that’s why I don’t visit her grave either.

My emotional and mental health is far important to me than keeping face and tolerating him.

springydaff · 04/12/2019 21:58

I cut off my siblings for many years. It had to be done. I did it to protect myself.

We've recently been reconciled. It's weird. But they're being marvellous. We'll see how long that lasts!

I'm much much calmer these days - probably because of all that time NC.

Anniecott · 04/12/2019 22:00

My brother went nc on me, on and off over the years whenever he took umbrage over something or other minuet, he was bipolar. Unfortunately he passed away last yr during one of those phases so I never got my brother back. Dads passed away and mum has Alzheimer's, so it's just me now. X

springydaff · 04/12/2019 22:00

Annie Flowers

Doilooklikeatourist · 04/12/2019 22:02

I’m NC a with one sister , I’m much better without her being in my life
Both parents now deceased. , makes it easier
The middle sister every now and then try’s to get me to meet up with NC , but I have no desire to do this

harriethoyle · 04/12/2019 22:03

My elder brother went nc with me after he met his (horrid) wife but we still met at family occasions despite him refusing to see me, speak to me, reply to emails text etc at any other time. In the end, I chose not to invite him to my wedding and emailed him to say so. It was actually a huge relief to have taken a bit of control back. I miss the relationship we had but that had gone years before. I'm pretty reconciled to it now but found therapy about it very helpful.

Lemon27 · 04/12/2019 22:08

I’m pretty much NC with my brother now and his wife. He’s a selfish prick and she is a doormat who I think believes herself ‘lucky’ to have found a husband and therefore puts up with his bullshit and not only makes excuses for him but actually joins him in being obnoxious to/about other family members and situations.

Myself and my siblings tolerated a long series of bad behaviour from my DB over our teenage/early adult years and were NC then until he seemed to genuinely want to make up and make an effort, and therefore for the last few years peace and friendship reigned.

However, in the last 2/3 years he met his wife, got married, had a baby and got a new job, all of which have brought back out his arrogant, selfish, dickhead true self and relationships have deteriorated. He thinks no matter what he does that ‘his’ superior way of doing stuff is the only way and everyone else is wrong.

@ims0rrydarlin as you said:

“My emotional and mental health is far important to me than keeping face and tolerating him”.

This is me right now.

hushnowthanks · 04/12/2019 22:10

Very similar experiences to @sonjadog

Not exactly NC, there has been no dramatic declaration of silence nor have i felt the need to explain that I’m going to ignore my sibling from now on. I just don’t bother investing time, energy and money into someone as selfish, self involved and spoilt as my brother.
He can jog on as far as I’m concerned, he won’t bother making a shred of effort with me and that suits me down to the ground!

Heatingson · 04/12/2019 22:12

I have no contact with my eldest brother and haven’t for 10 years with only minimal contact for a while before that. It’s more of an issue for other people, who can’t get their heads around it than it is for me. There was no big song and dance. It’s not particularly awkward with our parents as they see very little of him anyway. I wouldn’t make a fuss and would be courteous if in the same room. Strangely I see his wife at my parents and we all think the world of her.

ShippingNews · 04/12/2019 22:18

My sister has always been difficult - tries to put me down at every opportunity . Sibling rivalry for 50 years !

When I remarried 10 years ago she decided she didn't like DH and took every chance to bad mouth him to me . I decided to go no contact at that time. It lasted for about 2-3 years, then Mum got dementia and sis and I had to deal with it so the N.C. just fizzled our organically . We get along ok now , luckily we live far apart so we just call each other about once a month . We just rub along , we don't have any other family so it's good to have that one person .

FilthyBiscuit · 04/12/2019 22:20

I've been NC with my sibling for about 8 years now. I needed to do it and despite the heart ache at not seeing my nephew and nieces there was no option in my eyes. They've been poisoned against me now anyway. We were best friends as kids and I realise now how horribly manipulated I had been by a narc bully.

FluffyEarMuffs · 04/12/2019 22:31

I am no contact. My parent brings it up occasionally but I was very firm with them the last time they did and told them to stop it.

I don't expect that'll last longer than a few months before they bring it up again and ask ME to forgive and have contact and beg for it for their sake. All my sibling seems to do is whine and cry that I have ended contact for "no reason" 🙄 Yes love, there's a reason. A few in fact.

I have zero wish or expectation I will have meaningful contact with my sibling. I wish them well and have zero animosity towards them.

I did not like their behaviour and actions however (they did several unforgivable things) and I feel much happier without them in my life. I wish them happiness and yet hope to never have see them again.

I just hope my surviving parent has detailed explicit instructions in their will as I expect I will have shit to deal with when they die. That would be incredibly stressful.

In some ways I don't want that to be the next contact I have with my sibling, but I don't want contact.

disneydreaming · 04/12/2019 22:34

I went virtually no contact with my sister about 2 years ago. Best thing I ever did. I feel sorry for my parents as I know they would like nothing better than for everyone to get along but she was just such a negative presence in my life I just got to the point I refused to have her in it.

If we cross paths while at my parents ect I will reply if spoken to as I won't be rude but it really is the bare minimum contact. I have no idea what is happening in her life and she will no nothing in regards to mines which is exactly how I like it.

Lepetitpiggy · 04/12/2019 22:36

Yes. My 'ex' sister had to be removed from my life when her hideous self pity about perceived wrongs done to her as a child by my mother spilled over to her total resentment of me. She went nc with mum at a time when mum was becoming seriously ill and left me to (willingly but would have appreciated help) look after her in the last 7 years of her life.
In the last desperately sad months ex s decided to visit twice (holidays got in the way you see) whilst I was at the nursing home daily; made no attempt was imade to help with after death essentials and didn't cpme8 to her funeral. It didn't stop her repulsive son (mum s dearly loved first grandchild, who'd also ignored her for 7 years) , demanding a breakdown of assets and their inheritance.
I genuinely despise her.

supadupapupascupa · 04/12/2019 22:40

I'm nc with my db. It kills me to be honest. I absolutely adore him, always have we are very close. But he is suffering with terrible mental health and alcoholism that I can't help him with despite trying. He is abusive. Verbally but I'm also slightly frightened of him. I can't cope with him around always being on eggshells. I've picked him up, sorted him out and sent him off so many times, he's lived with me in and off throughout adulthood. No more though. I have my own kids to protect now. I just keep hoping one day he will come back to us. He's very very angry at the world st the moment

Icanflyhigh · 04/12/2019 22:41

Yep NC with elder sister for over 3 years now.
Toxic bitch that she is, lies, manipulates and is basically evil.

Don't miss her, don't see the situation changing.

PotteryLottery · 04/12/2019 22:44

Yes, over inheritance. So much happier without their toxicity in our lives.

giggly · 04/12/2019 22:46

I am nc with my sister. After years of supporting her through many dramas she decided to forget all that and tell me to grow one when life was really tough a few years ago. Parents are sad about it and our paths cross once or twice a year last time she didn’t even make eye contact with me. She actually cannot believe that I’ve dumped her. Wonder who has to listen to her dramas now.
I do however feel sad for my dc who miss out on seeing their cousins.
Her loss.

Thehop · 04/12/2019 22:46

NC with my brother and VLC with my mother. I’ll never speak to my brother again.

Freddiefox · 04/12/2019 22:47

Yes my dB is low contact and sil no contact,

Made it very clear she wasn’t going to talk to me for a while, which is fine with me as I’d often considered going no contact with them but keep it low contact instead as it’s less difficult for everyone.
However they made a big announcement that they were not talking to me for now.

It’s such a final act telling someone you aren’t speaking to them, it feels childish and the ball in their court not mine

What happens next?

VanyaHargreeves · 04/12/2019 22:54

@disneydreaming

That sounds like me.

Last time we were alone together she said :

"Well this is a chance for a catch up"

I said yes

After about 5 minutes of silence she said

"Well I suppose taking the chance of enjoying the peace and quiet is as good"

She asked me NOTHING about my life (doesn't give a shit) whilst clearly expecting me to take an interest or have curiosity in her obviously very much more important than mine life whereas I LITERALLY couldn't care less if I never saw her again much less about her trip to the Far East

Moominfan · 04/12/2019 23:02

Nc with family. Completely toxic and unhealthy. Life is so much calmer without all the bitchiness and bullying.

Jamielyn · 04/12/2019 23:06

I stopped speaking to one of my brothers in 2017, and it's quite honestly been awkward but I'm glad he's out of my life.

He was rude about my DP of 7 years and I got wind of it. I confronted him and he got quite aggressive. He also split up with his wife the same year and I was still in contact with her because they share a daughter and I wanted to see my niece. (Not fair to take it out on the child).

Skip to 3 weeks ago and it was my nieces birthday. I went over to my mums to see her and said brother was bringing her around. I knew it would be awkward and I just wanted to be civil. He was rude, obnoxious and arrogant.

I just asked how he was and he went "why are you talking to me?". He caused quite a scene.

I'm glad he's out of my life and I don't care if I don't speak to him again.

theWarOnPeace · 04/12/2019 23:25

NC with my poisonous sister a good few years now. Life is so much better without her drip, drip, dripping her insidious shit in my ears. I knew I couldn’t let her be around my kids, same goes for her violent druggie partner, so they had to be cut out of my life.

I have zero regret.