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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my sister BU over her in laws?

64 replies

Milo90 · 04/12/2019 01:04

Very long story cut short...

My sister has had a v. Bad relationship with her in laws for years, 2bf she's given as good as she's got but they have been horrendous over the years including trying to ruin their wedding, split them up and more. They have not spoken for 5 years.
Earlier this year her husband's father passed away (even worse, he had been in hospital for days, no one in his family told sisters hubby until an hour before he died). This Xmas is the first without him. The siblings are now asking if my sisters hubby (their brother) is going to Wales for Xmas (they go most years) with all the family except my sister's not welcome. My sister doesn't expect to be invited but expects her husband to not go.
I asked her how long the trip is, they are expecting him to go for actual Xmas and new years and all siblings partners are going except her as she's not welcome. My sister was expecting me to back her up in this discussion with her husband but I stayed quiet. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Kind of feel bad her husband is stuck in the middle, I know his family are very pressurising and at the same time feel they should invite my sister and shouldn't expect him to drop his wife. Also feel my sister should let him go. Tried to explain, badly, to her and she's got even more riled about it askin me and our mum What's right, what's wrong. Opinions please? Her hubby has refused to go but is that right?

OP posts:

Chlosavxox · 04/12/2019 01:10

I don't think he should go either. If they're as horrible as she's making out (and I wouldn't be surprised as I know how bad in-laws can be) and they're purposely leaving her out then the right thing would be for him not to go. I know for a fact if it was my family being awful to my partner and they did this I wouldn't go

Chlosavxox · 04/12/2019 01:10

Plus they didn't even tell him his father was in hospital. They clearly have no respect for him and have probably invited him and not your sister to cause further trouble

lyralalala · 04/12/2019 01:11

I wouldn’t go in his shoes. They kept from him that his father was dying out of spite. Why would he want to go with them?

HeddaGarbled · 04/12/2019 01:14

No, she isn’t. No way should a husband go somewhere for Christmas without his wife. Outrageous and nasty. Mourning doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be so nasty.

thr33andme · 04/12/2019 01:15

She is not being unreasonable at all.

DowntonCrabby · 04/12/2019 01:16

They have been absolute dicks to him. I can’t see how he’d even want to begin to forgive them and move on let alone spend over a week with them away from his wife whom they have also been vile towards.

I expect your Dsis isn’t completely innocent in the past fallout but it’s completely unforgivable how they’ve treated her DH.

dreichXmas · 04/12/2019 01:36

Why on earth should your sister's DH leave her over Xmas to spend time with his toxic family?

RonaldMcDonald · 04/12/2019 01:49

No. His family do not want him there or they wouldn’t have issued an invitation contingent on her not being present
They don’t want him there but want to make it seem like he ever had a choice
Cold

StoppinBy · 04/12/2019 02:07

Her husband has done the right thing in saying he wont go. Of course he should be with the family he has chosen (his wife and any current or future children) rather than the family he was born in to over xmas.

CleansUpDragonPoo · 04/12/2019 02:08

He's right to refuse to go, no need to jump just because his mean siblings said so. And besides, your sister is his family now, the others have become just relatives due to their behaviour. She is NBU.

perfectstorm · 04/12/2019 02:09

You say she's given as good as she got, and that the in-laws get on with all the other spouses. I suppose my question is - are you keeping your head down because you have some sympathy with the in-laws for disliking her, however aggressively they have behaved? I mean, what's the context here? Was there a previous wife and kids for instance (just as an example) or was she very unkind to her husband?

In the absence of anything like that, then they have to accept that they don't have to like her, but banning her means they don't get special events with him, either.

Clearnightsky · 04/12/2019 02:14

What?!

They didn’t tell him his father was dying until an hour before.

They’ve been horrible for years to his wife.

And now they want him to come for Christmas but his wife isn’t welcome?!

I haven’t even met them and they sound awful. Of course he shouldn’t go, why would he? If there’s any kind of meeting they should go and see him with his wife and make their peace. But of course bullies don’t like to be exposed and vulnerable, they like to gang together and insist that he comes alone - more bullying.

Hithere2 · 04/12/2019 02:42

Not your circus not your monkeys

Why are you so involved in your sister's life?

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 04/12/2019 02:45

As someone in a very similar/ parallel situation (minus the father dying), there is no way that my dh would accept the invitation! It sounds a very toxic and cruel family and he is well out of it!

Why on Earth are you not supporting your ds? She has had this family try to wilfully destroy her wedding and her marriage- having been through that myself it is incredibly painful!

In my situation my fil and mil are both narcissistic- fil in law is also a psychopath. My dh was severely emotionally and psychologically abused by his father from a very young age and he was very much controlled and manipulated by his Mother who has emotional incest issues with my dh. That whole family are toxic including the extended family on mil side. When dh chose me, and defended me they all turned against him and tried to destroy his reputation on social media- gaslighting him and making up evil and cruel lies.

My dh was suicidal because of their relentless emotional/ verbal and psychological abuse of him. Since going completely NC we have never been happier. My dh has had significant counselling and has been reassured that he has made the right choice for himself and his mental health, as well as for our marriage. We are happy, dh has grown so much and finally has a healthy self-esteem!

You have no idea what dynamics are in your bill’s family- the fact your bil refused the invitation speaks volumes! It’s very likely that Christmas with his family of origin would be a constant barrage of hatred about your ds and towards her dh! His family is your ds and any children they share, to not invite your ds shows an extensive hatred of your ds. If he chose to go alone, he would effectively be choosing his family over his wife and telling his family that it’s ok for them to treat both terribly- this would completely undermine all his previous actions in standing by his wife and standing against their appalling treatment of her!

Blondebakingmumma · 04/12/2019 03:05

His family sound toxic. They are rude not to invite your sister and in her shoes I’d be fuming if my husband went

JolieOBrien · 04/12/2019 03:07

@Milo90

Of course he should not go, my husbands response would be if Jolie isn't invited as well I will not be going because she is my life partner. This family sound horrible not telling him about his father until the last minute. The saying you can choose your friends but not your family is so true in this case.

herbie01 · 04/12/2019 03:28

At the end of the day, her hubby has refused to go anyway. So he isn't really "in the middle", he's in the same side as his wife.
To be blunt, it's not your place to be interfering or talking your sister round on this- she & her husband have made their choice, it's HIS family and DSis In-Laws (Not yours) so quite frankly, none of your business to be playing advocate for his his family and trying to convince them to go.
If i was her husband, I'd be proper f**g pissed off if my own family hadnt told me my father was dying because they hated my spouse and not want to go play happy families on holiday either.
There are actions that can't be excused or forgiven or pushed aside by playing the family card and I dont blame DSis or her husband for not wanting Husband to go after that BS with father dying.

Derbee · 04/12/2019 03:30

He absolutely shouldn’t go

sue51 · 04/12/2019 03:35

He should not go and you should either back your sister or keep your nose out.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/12/2019 03:36

If she is not invited, he should not go.
If she is invited but refuses to go, then he is free to go if he wishes.
If they have children they both should be at home with the children.

Pilot12 · 04/12/2019 03:43

You think your sister's husband should spend Christmas and New Year with his family and leave his wife at home to celebrate without him? Some sister you are! It sounds like you don't like her either and are trying to stir up trouble. If you were my sister I wouldn't be speaking to you either.

eaglejulesk · 04/12/2019 03:57

Her husband's loyalties should be with your sister, as it seems they are - end of story. Nothing to do with you at all.

Purpleartichoke · 04/12/2019 04:21

He should not even consider going. He can visit with his family at other, non-holiday times if he wants to maintain a relationship despite how they treat his wife. He can’t go at Christmas. I can’t believe op thinks it would be remotely acceptable.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2019 04:35

They didn’t tell your BIL his father was dying. The message, loud and clear is that he is a nothing. I agree with Ronald. This is a power play to make it seem like he has a choice. But the only choice they are offering is a toxic pick me dance, which they lost years ago. He is so right.

As for the family getting on with all the other spouses, it would be interesting to see this from the inside. Do you have reason to believe your sister was unreasonable to them or just refused to bend to their will?

Monty27 · 04/12/2019 04:40

He should stay with DW. They sound horrid. And not inviting you is alienating from his DW. Ugh

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