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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my sister BU over her in laws?

64 replies

Milo90 · 04/12/2019 01:04

Very long story cut short...

My sister has had a v. Bad relationship with her in laws for years, 2bf she's given as good as she's got but they have been horrendous over the years including trying to ruin their wedding, split them up and more. They have not spoken for 5 years.
Earlier this year her husband's father passed away (even worse, he had been in hospital for days, no one in his family told sisters hubby until an hour before he died). This Xmas is the first without him. The siblings are now asking if my sisters hubby (their brother) is going to Wales for Xmas (they go most years) with all the family except my sister's not welcome. My sister doesn't expect to be invited but expects her husband to not go.
I asked her how long the trip is, they are expecting him to go for actual Xmas and new years and all siblings partners are going except her as she's not welcome. My sister was expecting me to back her up in this discussion with her husband but I stayed quiet. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Kind of feel bad her husband is stuck in the middle, I know his family are very pressurising and at the same time feel they should invite my sister and shouldn't expect him to drop his wife. Also feel my sister should let him go. Tried to explain, badly, to her and she's got even more riled about it askin me and our mum What's right, what's wrong. Opinions please? Her hubby has refused to go but is that right?

OP posts:

Gazelda · 04/12/2019 11:29

I can imagine any circumstances where I'd be the teeniest bit happy at my BIL if he left my sister to spend Christmas and NY with family who refuse to welcome his wife.

Anything and everything else is irrelevant.

No husband should leave his wife for 7+days over Christmas to spend time with his siblings instead.
His DM won't be alone.
If you were my sister, I'd be very hurt by your opinion.

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2019 11:29

I just felt a bit sorry for BIL and wondered what others would do

But you didn't feel sorry for your sister being excluded and felt it would be fine for her to be left out over the holiday period in this way?

Her husband is doing the right thing, it's your reaction that's really odd.

I can only assume you dislike her or are envious of her in some way so happy to see her get handed a shit sandwich.

MatildaTheCat · 04/12/2019 11:30

So she doesn’t want him to go and he says he’s not going so where is the problem? The in,was don’t want to see her and she doesn’t want to see them. Totally fine.

If he does want to see them then Christmas is not a good time in any case, too many family fights occur then in any case.

Butchyrestingface · 04/12/2019 11:32

I can only assume you dislike her or are envious of her in some way so happy to see her get handed a shit sandwich

That was my thought. Sister is fucked on all fronts - horrible in-laws on one side and @Milo90 on t’other.

Some people just can’t catch a break.

Actionhasmagic · 04/12/2019 11:33

He shouldn’t go

MzPumpkinPie · 04/12/2019 11:34

Of course he shouldn't go !
I can't believe you need to ask to be fair.

DryHeaving · 04/12/2019 11:34

Of course your BIL should abandon his wife over the Christmas period so he can spend it with his toxic family.
Jesus, you couldn't make this shit up , oh wait...............

HugoSpritz · 04/12/2019 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2019 11:34

Her husband is doing the right thing, it's your reaction that's really odd.

Indeed. Why don’t you support your sister? These people have been awful to her and her husband, they’re continuing to try again cause problems aha drama, they’re united in agreeing he won’t go, what’s it to do with you and how dare you suggest either of them is in the wrong?

Honeybee85 · 04/12/2019 11:38

Your BIL’s siblings are absolute dickheads, seems they want to continue their parents job of trying to destroy your sisters marriage after their father passed away.

If I were your sister and my DH went there without me, I’d consider that as a very serious stab in the back and I’d seriously reconsider my marriage.
Your sister is not BU at all.

Gottobefree · 04/12/2019 11:43

He's right to refuse to go. His family sound awful for not telling him his father was sick. If they wanted to wipe the slate clean and start a new relationship with him then they need to do the same for his WIFE! She is technically family as well.

FelixFelicis6 · 04/12/2019 11:56

Hmmm this is odd.... are you really over involved or is this some kind of reverse thing?

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/12/2019 12:00

Whilst I think I may not go, it really has to be his choice and if he does she shouldn't hold it against him.
She is basically asking him to walk away from his family and that really isn't her choice to make.
I would suggest by going he may be able to smooth things out if nothing else.
Remember you are only hearing her side of things and there may be more to this than you know.

mummyway · 04/12/2019 12:12

It sounds like you think its OK that his family do not treat your own sister like part of their or his family. Its sounds like you are fine to stand back and watch them disrespect your sister. Maybe you should ask yourself what kind of a sister you are being by wanting your sister to disrespect herself like this.

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