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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister BU over her in laws?

64 replies

Milo90 · 04/12/2019 01:04

Very long story cut short...

My sister has had a v. Bad relationship with her in laws for years, 2bf she's given as good as she's got but they have been horrendous over the years including trying to ruin their wedding, split them up and more. They have not spoken for 5 years.
Earlier this year her husband's father passed away (even worse, he had been in hospital for days, no one in his family told sisters hubby until an hour before he died). This Xmas is the first without him. The siblings are now asking if my sisters hubby (their brother) is going to Wales for Xmas (they go most years) with all the family except my sister's not welcome. My sister doesn't expect to be invited but expects her husband to not go.
I asked her how long the trip is, they are expecting him to go for actual Xmas and new years and all siblings partners are going except her as she's not welcome. My sister was expecting me to back her up in this discussion with her husband but I stayed quiet. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Kind of feel bad her husband is stuck in the middle, I know his family are very pressurising and at the same time feel they should invite my sister and shouldn't expect him to drop his wife. Also feel my sister should let him go. Tried to explain, badly, to her and she's got even more riled about it askin me and our mum What's right, what's wrong. Opinions please? Her hubby has refused to go but is that right? Confused

OP posts:
Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 04/12/2019 05:06

No, of course she's not being unreasonable, why on earth are you even asking?

Besidesthepoint · 04/12/2019 05:07

Why are you so involved? They are on the same page, why are you trying to put a wedge in that?

FetchezLaVache · 04/12/2019 06:00

Why on earth would you possibly think it might NOT be right that your BIL stand by his wife against his horrible family (unless massive drip feed is coming)? He hadn't spoken to them for 5 years and they kept it from him that his dad was dying. From what you have said here, they are quite clearly trying to use their father's death to put another spoke in the wheel of your sister's marriage - and you're on board with that??

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2019 06:03

Im surprised you didn't support you sister. Are you in a long term relationship or have you ever been? She's basically part of their family.

Is there a history between you two?

flowery · 04/12/2019 06:07

”2bf she's given as good as she's got”

Presumably this is why you’re on the fence- you’ve given details about what the in laws have done which sounds awful, but if she really has been just as bad, it’s not surprising you’re torn.

KatherineJaneway · 04/12/2019 06:12

He shouldn't go. Sounds like another power play by the family to split them up.

PlumsGalore · 04/12/2019 06:48

Sorry I am also with your sister. He can go on his own and see his mother and siblings on the 27th.

Lotus90 · 04/12/2019 06:56

Why do they hate her so much? Sounds as though they're including other partners/ husbands/ wives?

SunniDay · 04/12/2019 07:28

The relationship with the inlaws has broken down. Even if this were in large part your sisters fault you are where you are. If it were my husband I would be telling him that if he chooses to go for xmas and new year then he can also stay for the other 360 days.

Any real relationship is over. Fortunately it sounds like the family live far away. Let it go. They will enjoy slagging off your sister over xmas and blaming her for everything so it’s not all bad for them. Stay out of it.

User342109097569098 · 04/12/2019 07:35

No way should he go! They are using a death to manipulate him, if they had good intentions they would invite your sister as a clean slate. Your sister is not being unreasonable.

DonPablo · 04/12/2019 07:39

Why wouldn't you have your sister back in this case, especially if things are as a bad as you say? Your sister must feel like the whole world is against her.

Ponoka7 · 04/12/2019 07:54

Her Husband isn't stuck in the middle, his family are behaving appallingly towards him and his wife and he is quite rightly LC.

The only thing which has it them back to that level is the death of his Father and his Family are using that, as a last ditch attempt to cause a rift in his marriage.

Even when an absent or abusive parent dies there it's an emotional time and they will use his vulnerability to get at him.

He needs to be with the person who's always had his back, your Sister.

It sounds to me like he is the scapegoat in the family, so his spouse was always going to be a target. Or rather anyone who didn't follow their plan and could be instrumental in helping him escape them.

WhoCaresWins01 · 04/12/2019 08:11

YABU
They both agree and are being very sensible! Why on earth do you think he should go without his wife?

AlternativePerspective · 04/12/2019 08:20

Playing devil’s advocate here, is it that your BIL/sister went NC with them over their behaviour, or perhaps that they were NC with your BIL/DS because of her behaviour?

It’s very easy to sit here and state that they are clearly in the wrong, clearly horrible, toccic people and the sister is right to not want her husband to have a relationship with them. But TBH we don’t know the back story here.

It happens sometimes that posters post here about having gone NC with family or a family member having gone NC with them and when a relative is dying they wonder whether they should tell them or not. And often the answer is “no,” so it’s possible that if the sister’s behaviour was so awful as to provoke five years of no contact led them to leave till the last minute to tell BIL that his father was dying

Death does bring out a lot of emotions in people, and it’s possible that this has been seen as an opportunity to try and mend fences with their estranged brother but if the sister’s behaviour was so bad as to provoke NC they may not be ready to take that same step with her.

Original poster
Milo90 · 04/12/2019 08:53

My BIL does have contact with them, always has even while they have caused alot of trouble during their marriage . It's my sister who is NC with them.
When I said I kept quiet not backing my sister, I don't get involved either way.
BIL's siblings partner's have had there issues over the years but my understanding is they toe the line whereas my sister didn't as BIL's mother expects to come first over everything and everyone. I do agree they do not respect BIL however if it was my parent that had passed I'd want us altogether, of course all partners welcome in our house! I just felt a bit sorry for BIL and wondered what others would do Xmas Blush

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 04/12/2019 08:57

I think you are missing a key point here - why would he want to be with his siblings when they didn't bother to tell him that his father was dying? particularly as, according to you, he was not NC with them, only your sister was? I can assure you that if my siblings kept the illness of a parent from me and didn't give me a chance to say goodbye, I would have zero interest in spending any time with my siblings over christmas.

Also, having experienced the loss of a parent, I can also tell you that quite frankly I wouldn't have wanted to attempt to get through any major holidays or events without DH there. He is the person I turn to in times if crisis, even if I am close to my siblings.

YABMASSIVELYU and I can only assume you and your sister don't get on very well.

Damntheman · 04/12/2019 08:58

I would have my sister's back in that case. Always and forever! They hate her because she doesn't put her MIL first? What?? Your BIL has chosen to support your sister, why won't you?

I would never ever forgive my family if they had kept it from me that my father was dying until the last day. Never.

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 04/12/2019 09:04

“She’s given as good as she’s got” what has your sister done that’s as bad as trying to ruin someone’s wedding day, attempt to split her and their son up and not tell someone that his father is very ill and will die very soon? All of that behaviour is truly awful. If my partner and I were in this exact same situation I’d be gutted and feel very betrayed if he went. Luckily I’m totally sure he wouldn’t do that anyway. Sounds like her in-laws are using this as a tool to control and drive wedge in their relationship.

LannisterLion1 · 04/12/2019 09:49

if it was my parent that had passed I'd want us altogether, of course all partners welcome in our house

Yabvu. You are projecting your feeling and opinions, based on nothing similar to your BIL upbringing. He knows his family, he doesn't want to go. It's very likely he knows how much hate and toxicity will great him if he does, as well as supporting his wife.

Don't you think you should support him in what he wants? Not project sympathy for his family not having him there and relate it to how you would act?

summersherewishiwasnt · 04/12/2019 09:50

You had your chance to support your sister and you didn’t, why is that? I’d be hurt by this.
She shouldn’t have to beg for her dh time over Christmas. Unless they are happy to spend it apart. He could go a few days in between, not demand all or nothing. They sound like fuckwits anyway.

Smelborp · 04/12/2019 09:56

I’m really surprised you didn’t support your sister. You think she should be separated from her husband for all of Christmas so he can spend it with people who actively dislike her? It’s time to take a side. This isn’t something you should be on the fence about.

diddl · 04/12/2019 10:04

So he has always been in contact but they didn't tell him when his dad went into hospital?

That is disgraceful.

I think if the ILs are as bad as it seems, it was pretty awful of him to stay in contact at all tbh.

Why does someone dying mean that everyone (or not in this case!) should suddenly all be together?

KarmaStar · 04/12/2019 11:20

This is either a reverse or you don't like your sister very much.
Something about this doesn't ring true.

HeadSpin5 · 04/12/2019 11:24

Your sister is right. YABU. At the most (in your sister’s shoes) I would be fine with him going to visit the family either before Xmas or between Xmas and NY fir a day or two, but would be very unhappy at being left alone for the whole extended period. This has to be a reverse

Butchyrestingface · 04/12/2019 11:28

Also feel my sister should let him go. Tried to explain, badly, to her and she's got even more riled about it askin me and our mum What's right, what's wrong. Opinions please? Her hubby has refused to go but is that right? confused

You’re being very strange, OP. Unless this is some kind of reverse. Hmm

Of COURSE he shouldn’t go.