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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want a baby

72 replies

Cookiedough123 · 03/12/2019 23:27

I am 26, my boyfriend is 30. We have been together over 4 years and jointly own a house. Over the last few years friends have had babies and that was when I started visiting mumsnet as the idea of babies popped into my head. We have discussed children and both want them but my partner just seems to want to wait... but what for? I know as you get older for some people it can get harder to conceive and I worry we will wait for too long and will struggle.

AIBU to think that suddenly you decide this is it, I want to be a mother. I cant explain the feeling. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/12/2019 23:30

Have you asked him what for?

Caplin · 03/12/2019 23:41

Yes, you do. But then often after a month or two you can change your mind due to circumstances (e.g. new job). H and I flip flopped for 4 years after that ‘feeling’ before starting a family.

Don’t rush unless you both feel the same.

Ginfordinner · 03/12/2019 23:42

What's the rush?

Original poster

Cookiedough123 · 03/12/2019 23:42

He just says wait. I don't think he realises that he is not 21 anymore. He wants to get married first but we aren't engaged and even if that happens next year we would then need to save up so it would only then happen in 2022 and I'll be 29 then!

OP posts:

Original poster

Cookiedough123 · 03/12/2019 23:44

I just love family things and I think of having a baby and it makes me weird and fluttery! Weirdly though these feelings have only come in the last 12-18 months. Definitely on and off but it's an on time at the minute and they feel strong!

OP posts:

Elle7rose · 04/12/2019 00:34

In your situation I would probably ask your DP to think whether it would be best to

Start planning the wedding now and get married at the end of 2020/start of 2021 and then start trying for a baby afterwards

Start trying for a baby

Maybe just make it an either/or option?

29 is no age. Fertility declines a bit from 30 but slowly at first and then more quickly from 35 onwards.

Chlosavxox · 04/12/2019 00:59

Why don't you just suggest 'seeing how it goes' - having unprotected sex but without the ovulation tracking etc so it's a lot more relaxed? Although I must warn you, me and my boyfriend thought we'd 'see how it went' and ended up getting pregnant first month!😂

My boyfriend didn't wanna feel pressured/like it was too full on and wanted it to be natural, I think men come to terms with the idea when it's more chilled out

Ginfordinner · 04/12/2019 07:15

You keep talking about wanting a baby. I feel that you have a romanticized view of this. The baby isn't a baby for long. It becomes a child, then a stroppy teenager.

If your partner isn't ready for parenthood he isn't ready. And you can't force the issue.

DefConOne · 04/12/2019 07:20

Why wouldn't you get married until 2022? If you want to get married and start a family just get on with it. And even if you are 29 when you start trying for a baby, why is that such a problem?

I got married at 23 with a 10 month engagement which is really plenty of time to plan a wedding. Didn't have a baby until 10 years later for various reasons.

Whattodoabout · 04/12/2019 08:27

Starting to TTC at 29 isn’t the end of the world, 39 and you’d have a point. I can’t see any rush at your age really.

RhymingRabbit3 · 04/12/2019 08:30

If you both want to get married it can happen as soon as you want. If you have to save up thousands of pounds, is the big wedding more important than having a baby in your 20s? If the baby is the important bit why not just have a cheaper wedding in 2020 or 2021 and then try for a baby?

LukeGossIsSaner · 04/12/2019 08:34

There was a definite pattern in my friendship group.

Early 20's - Travel
Late 20's - Buy house, get career established, meet partner, get married.
Early 30's - Have kids.

Yestermost · 04/12/2019 08:34

Have a simple cheap wedding
Use the extra money to allow you to have a extended maternity leave. Far more memorable.

00100001 · 04/12/2019 08:34

I fail to see why you'd get married in 2022?

You could get married in 3 months...

hammeringinmyhead · 04/12/2019 08:34

Agree with this.
There isn't any need to sound so horrified about being 29 - I've just had my first at 34, a low risk pregnancy.

BaronessBomburst · 04/12/2019 08:35

Get married first. You need the legal protection it affords you.

And if he won't commit to marriage, definitely don't have a baby with him.

Camomila · 04/12/2019 08:38

I really wanted a baby from around 22/23 (when my 2 year old cousin visited for a fornight with his parents!). I got married at 26 and had DS at 28 though.

I think broodiness is a pretty usual feeling to get in your 20s though as its probably the best time for your body to have a baby.

If you both want to get married why not start planning the wedding? It doesn't need to be giant to be special.

Emmapeeler1 · 04/12/2019 08:43

I can understand the feeling having been there myself but my advice is to concentrate on getting engaged and married (which you could do much earlier than 2022!) because legally you would be much more sensible being already married when you do have kids, and organising a wedding post-kids is no fun, in my experience. Also just having a nice time with your DH. Relaxing holidays, lazy Sundays have literally gone out of the window since we had kids 10 years ago and while I love my kids in some ways I wish we had had longer doing it. And 29/30 is a great age to have kids. My DH was 32 when we met and he was in no hurry either but sometimes waiting is for good reasons.

FenellaMaxwell · 04/12/2019 08:45

Look at the legal and financial implications of having children before you get married. Look at how you would find mat leave and childcare should you return to work. Look at how much money you think a child will cost each month. Now triple it for the amount a child will actually cost each month. Now consider if it’s the right choice for you at this moment.

Celebelly · 04/12/2019 08:55

We decided to finally get round to getting married at the end of Sept and our wedding is next week We could have had pretty much any date as long as we gave our 28 days notice. So it depends on priorities really. If you want the big wedding, then yes it will take time. If you just want to be married then you can do that pretty quickly.

We weren't married before DD arrived, mostly due to apathy about arranging the whole thing, but since she has born earlier this year we felt it was an important thing to do, and actually it's been very straightforward.

sewinginscotland · 04/12/2019 09:05

I personally thought it was important to get married before having a baby too. They don't need to be huge affairs that you need to save up for years, you can get married for £300 and then throw a party afterwards. Then use the money for mat leave (my mat leave has cost as much as our wedding, I took as long as I could). It depends on what your priorities are.

I had those warm and fluttery feelings about a baby. I was 28 and got pregnant within 2 months of trying. Having a baby is definitely different to what I imagined it to be! It's a big commitment, maybe speak to your DP about why he wants to wait. There will never be a right time to have a baby, and I'm not sure anyone can be truely ready for it (I genuinely think having a newborn is torture - lack of sleep, loud noise that makes you uncomfortable, holding a 5kg weight in a stress position for hours on end).

TheHootiestOwl · 04/12/2019 09:31

Legally you’re better off getting married first as there is no such thing as common law in the UK. There is nothing wrong with TTC at 29, you won’t be old. I had my first at 33 and got pregnant straight away. Do you have good jobs? Are you financially ok? Being a sahm without being married can make you vulnerable. There’s lots to think about than just ‘I want a baby’. Take the rose tinted glasses off, babies are hard work and they grow up. If he isn’t ready yet he isn’t ready. Don’t force it.

Newmumma83 · 04/12/2019 09:37

Talk to partner and set goals in terms of time scales ... if marriage is first then

If we save x a month we will have this amount for the wedding we want ... on x date / year how does that sound

Then if we save x a month towards cost of baby then we will have some nice savings for baby bits and top up money for mat pay so I can have x amount of time with baby

So if we aim to start saving now ... we will be looking at a wedding by and trying for a baby by ...

Sounds in romantic but that is the conversation I had with my husband after 11 years of waiting ... and you know what he was on board ( after a bit of a massive flip out on is he still in love with me rather than just love me ) think that was the fear of shit getting real ... but it got us there ... I was about 30 when we had the conversation ... and pregnant at 34 years ( albeit meant j was 4 months pregnant at my wedding because I was literally super lucky and got pregnant after literally having unprotected sex once )

My friend same age got pregnant 10 weeks after me she had been trying about 6 months

Morganmermaid · 04/12/2019 09:38

I would just enjoy the next couple of years with your boyfriend, 2-3 years is really not a long time to delay it and you’ll still be in the similar young child stage as your friends who have started to have dc.

I had my first dc in my late 20s and I think it is a perfect age to do so, it was also right in the middle of friends who started their families younger and those who waited a bit longer.

Oysterbabe · 04/12/2019 09:41

Getting married first is a very good idea. My husband proposed and our wedding was 4 months later.

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