Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I want a baby

72 replies

Cookiedough123 · 03/12/2019 23:27

I am 26, my boyfriend is 30. We have been together over 4 years and jointly own a house. Over the last few years friends have had babies and that was when I started visiting mumsnet as the idea of babies popped into my head. We have discussed children and both want them but my partner just seems to want to wait... but what for? I know as you get older for some people it can get harder to conceive and I worry we will wait for too long and will struggle.

AIBU to think that suddenly you decide this is it, I want to be a mother. I cant explain the feeling. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

kateybeth79 · 04/12/2019 11:39

I had my first baby at age 32 and my second at age 34. I fell pregnant almost immediately with both. We were both very relaxed about it so didn't track ovulation dates etc. I'm so glad I waited because I had time to travel, try different jobs, have impromptu nights out - the type of things you can't do without planning childcare a month in advance lol

Meshy12 · 04/12/2019 11:41

I have been broody for a number of years and now At 34 I now have a 7 month baby who is the love of my life.

But... i did underestimate how much my life has changed and how difficult the newborn phase was - and to be honest how every stage seems to have a lot of challenges.

As a lot of my friends/NCT group will attest - we all had a very romantic notion of having a baby - and the reality is that it is that romantic but it’s also bloody tough and incredibly life changing.

But you are still young but not young enough to plan your life - so sit down and speak to your other half and lay out your hopes and expectations from the relationship and see if you are on the same page.

Perhaps you can get engaged and married this year and TTC then - which is really not long away.

But obviously enjoy your life (holidays, lie-ins, drinks and nights out) in the meantime!

Meshy12 · 04/12/2019 11:42

Sorry I meant you can get engaged and married next year and then TTC then (I was typing whilst nursing - another example of something I took for granted before baby)!

mauvaisereputation · 04/12/2019 11:43

YANBU to want kids but I don't think there's a huge difference in fertility between 26 and 29 so I wouldn't factor that in to your choice really. A good idea to get married first. Once you have kids you probably won't want to spend £££ on a fancy wedding so imo you may as well have a more modest one sooner.

mauvaisereputation · 04/12/2019 11:44

Also I wasn't ready for kids at 30 but then really wanted a baby at 32. I don't think there's anything unreasonable about your husband wanting a bit more time being childfree.

FrenchJunebug · 04/12/2019 11:46

26 is young to have a baby! Not stress so much about your or your partner's age.

PhilCornwall1 · 04/12/2019 11:49

if that happens next year we would then need to save up so it would only then happen in 2022 and I'll be 29 then!

My wife was 30 when we got married and was 33 when the eldest was born. We didn't worry at all about age (for info, I'm 3 years younger than her).

user1480880826 · 04/12/2019 12:03

You’re still young - both for marriage and having babies. You really don’t need to start worrying yet.

LongLiveThePenis · 04/12/2019 12:07

Has someone close to you had a baby in the last 2 years? I became obsessed.

Ravenrob · 04/12/2019 12:12

What's wrong with being 29? My partner and I plan to TTC when I'm 29/30.

Tobebythesea · 04/12/2019 12:28

For my DH it was seeing all his friends become parents (and not being able to go out foot lose and fancy free with him) that possibly sparked something in him to ttc. Have your partners friends got children yet? Mine didn’t until about 32-35.

Original poster

Cookiedough123 · 04/12/2019 12:36

Thanks for all the replies. My boyfriend wants kids too and wants to get married hes much more relaxed about it. I'm just finding it weird that my brain is so preoccupied thinking how much I want a baby and every few months it's coming in a stronger kind of wave. I'm still on my pill and will be until we both agree whether it's the right time. My aibu was about this weird urge and feeling I have of how my brain is obsessing about babies.

OP posts:

KaptenKrusty · 04/12/2019 12:41

Hmm I don't think forcing the issue is a great idea - people have different timelines for these things

I got married last year and am absolutely desperate to have a baby too - BUT we don't own a house just yet and we had a proper think about finances (Husband very sensible lolz and made me see sense!)

Also we are super into travelling so decided to go on one last big trip early next year for 8weeks which we feel would be difficult to pull off once we have a child!

We hope to buy a house next summer and I have a goal to save up a years worth of my half of the mortgage in advance of baby arriving (which would take me about a year) and that way I can actually enjoy my maternity leave without us having money worries and we will still have some money left over for treats :)

dontalltalkatonce · 04/12/2019 12:43

So why aren't you planning the wedding? I didn't want to have kids without being married first.

Echobelly · 04/12/2019 12:48

One thing I would say is don't panic about fertility- i think conceiving has been massively over-problematised (and the alleged post 35 fertility drop off for women has been discredited as based on evidence that is literally hundreds of years old). Yes, most of us know someone who's had difficulties but I do feel sad that so many women feel they have to make some special effort of measuring and charting etc just bc they're over 30. You have plenty of time, OP, but do talk about what your oh wants to wait for. If it's something specific, like careers or money, maybe wait. If its 'I don't feel ready', well, I'd talk about that - no one's ever really ready!

RhymingRabbit3 · 04/12/2019 12:56

As long as he is named on the birth certificate if you have a baby before marriage then you have the "legal protection" of ensuring child maintenance gets paid if the worst should happen in the future.

Child maintenance is not the legal protection people are talking about. Firstly, you can claim CM whether or not the dad is on the birth certificate. Secondly, its not much legal protection as they can only make them pay CM from declared earnings - you would be surprised how many men suddenly become "unemployed" or "self employed" on a low wage when they have to pay maintenance.

Legal protections of marriage are to do with inheritance if your partner should die, spousal support, childrens main carer (often a woman) being able to stay in the marital home if the relationship breaks down
Etc

IaIa3 · 04/12/2019 13:00

As pp have said, get married first. It might be that he doesn't feel 'grown up' enough for children yet whereas if you're married it'll feel like more of the next natural step. Can I just say some men who say there's no rush either mean they don't want it to happen or they simply want their partner to take control of the situation. Why don't you say look I think we should get married on x date with the view to start ttc after and see how he reacts.

dontalltalkatonce · 04/12/2019 13:00

FFS, people really need to educate themselves on the ramifications of having children with an unmarried partner and then making oneself financially dependent on the 'partner'. Child maintenance is required no matter what. And plenty of non-resident parents still find a way to skive out of paying.

SeditionSue · 04/12/2019 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeditionSue · 04/12/2019 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notalwaysalondoner · 04/12/2019 13:30

I was the same - wanted kids very much since I was about 18, would have been happy to have them (emotionally and financially) at around 25, but DH was really not ready until we started TTC very recently at age 29. We’ve been together since we were 19 and married last year. We’d always agreed marriage and children were on the cards but it was in some dim and distant future for him, rather than something he was ready for now.

I accepted this but became increasingly vocal on getting married once we got to about 27 - to be honest, I used his willingness to commit to marriage as a sign of whether he would drag his feet for years too about having a baby. I was willing to wait for marriage but not willing to lose fertility waiting for him to want a baby. I basically had a mental date where if he hadn’t proposed I would have a proper sit down with him about where he really stood and if he wasn’t willing to commit to grown up things then maybe it was time to go our separate ways. Luckily he got the hints and proposed before then...

For having a baby, I did two things which I think helped him get used to the idea. First if you have friends with kids, hang out with them together (especially as couples) to help him see you don’t change completely as a person just because you have kids. Second, talk about an age you definitely want to TTC by (for me it was 30) and when it gets closer, talk about a month. For us, this meant when that date came he was completely comfortable with the idea.

For us, it did take a few years between me being ready and him being ready, but that’s because how he feels is completely reasonable and I recognised that - it’s perfectly normal to not want to rush into the craziness of parenthood, and when you are well under 30 I wouldn’t jeopardise your relationship over it but just have an open conversation about when you will get married and when you will have kids, and go from there.

Bluerussian · 04/12/2019 15:12

I think it' quite normal for women to feel broody, often from an early age - some men also very much want a child. However it's not all about what we want, most of us are realistic enough to know that certain things have to be in place first to ensure security for the child.

A couple of years won't hurt in the op's case, by that time her partner will have probably come round to the idea and be happy about it.

Flip

1 2 3