I want a baby

[Cookiedough123]

I am 26, my boyfriend is 30. We have been together over 4 years and jointly own a house. Over the last few years friends have had babies and that was when I started visiting mumsnet as the idea of babies popped into my head. We have discussed children and both want them but my partner just seems to want to wait... but what for? I know as you get older for some people it can get harder to conceive and I worry we will wait for too long and will struggle.

AIBU to think that suddenly you decide this is it, I want to be a mother. I cant explain the feeling. 🤷‍♀️

With the broodiness feelings, you need to recognise them for what they are. They are not some sort of mystical or prophetic sign.

I first became broody at around 15 or 16, so obviously not a good idea to go out and have a baby at that stage! I waited another 12 years until i was more mature and independent, with more life experience.

And it wasn’t about meeting my dh later in life as we met at age 20, sometimes you just need to make logical life choices even though you have a strong desire for an alternative!

YANBU. I was exactly like that. Wasn't particularly bothered about having kids, and then one, boom. I wanted a baby, and I wanted one then and there! We decided that we would plan our wedding, and then if I got pregnant in the meantime, we could always postpone it. I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about establishing a timeline - I think it would help if you knew roughly how long it would be before you plan to start trying.

If you’ve been on mumsnet have you seen the issues people (women) have by having kids without being married ?

Why not sit down and work out a plan together - eg what the blockers are for him, how / when to resolve them, do you want to be married first, if so when etc... ?

I’d also have a good think about making sure you’re protected if you do have kids without being married. If that’s what you want. But if it isn’t what you what I wouldn’t have kids without it (although I’m fairly traditional so biased on this).

29 is young, though? I don't understand the wedding delay either, just get married or don't. Also if he wants to get married and you do, and you've discussed it and agreed that you will, you are engaged.

It's worth marrying, though; DP and I have spent a small fortune on wills and trusts and paperwork that would have all been covered by a wedding.

You need to discuss this carefully with your partner. Having a child is utterly life changing, emotionally, financially, time wise. If either of you isn’t totally committed, and blinkered about what it will be like, then you need to be discussing carefully all the implications before trying for a baby. If either of you isn’t 100% committed, then I would say, don’t do it, at least with an uncommitted partner.

29 is a fine age to start a family.
At 26 you have time, please try to enjoy yourself. When you have a child, even though it is lovely, you have restrictions you never had before.

It wouldn't be right to try and push your partner into having a child. Do get married first and then think about it.

Does he actually want kids?
Have you discussed this?

You don't need to wait for him to propose - just suggest you get married. Why does he want to get married first? For security or because his parents have told him it's the 'proper' thing to do?

I agree with PP who said you seem to have romanticised the idea. Do you want a baby or do you want a family?

I'd definitely want to get married first - then you are legally protected if you and DP ever split up (hopefully not but you never know!).

It's normal for you to feel this way, but it's also fine to want to not feel ready yet, like your DP does. Keep talking about it and see if you can reach a compromise.

There's no rush, enjoy your twenties!

I met my husband when I was 22, we bought a house at 26, married at 29 and I'm due our first baby today at 30.

29 really isn't old most of my friends aren't in relationships, let alone have children!

Some people don’t want to get married which is fine as that’s their choice. However, from the way you talk it sounds like you do but you just want a baby first. I would strongly recommend you get married before having a child.

I’m a little concerned your communication as a couple isn’t really where it ought to be before considering a family. You don’t seem to have actually discussed the issue properly, you seem unsure why he wants to wait, you’re not really sure when you’re getting married (if you are) or engaged. It’s fine to want a baby, and it’s fine to not. But you need to be able to have difficult honest conversations about what you both want from your future together first.

We met at 24 (him) and 28 (me) and from the first few dates had both said we wanted children within a few years (I didn’t wanna waste time dating someone who didn’t). It was always a very open thing. We didn’t rush it, moved into a rental at a year, decided then to TTC at almost three years together, spent the time saving for a house and building our careers and incomes, then started trying, got pregnant, bought a house (which was already in progress) got engaged and married all before the baby was due. No uncertainty or surprises, just both knew what we wanted.

You need to really sit and talk this through with him.

I've never understood the need for a wedding to be a saving up for years and two years in the planning event! Each to their own I know but it baffles me when posters claim to be stressed by time restraints but go along with that kind of malarkey! In our case it was agreed we would get married and have children. Got pregnant the first month of not not trying and got engaged "officially" straight away. Planned our wedding in four months, got married surrounded by our family and friends, moved house and DD1 was born two months after we moved in... Decide what you really want, what he really wants, and make a plan

ASundayWellSpent sounds similar to us! Knew we wanted to be married before a baby arrived but didn’t want to delay trying for the sake of a wedding, and had our hands full in the middle of the mortgage process. So got engaged at four months pregnant (he wanted to wait for our anniversary) and married ten weeks later. Was absolutely lovely.

However in OP’s case I’m not sure whether it is a case of her and her boyfriend both wanting to get married and have kids soon or whether it’s mostly her and he’s not into it.

What GiveHer said - have you discussed the future, does he actually want kids? If yes, what is the ideal time in his opinion, are there any other things he thinks should be done before? If he says he does not know and is not sure, by when is he planning to decide?

You're young, you don't have to decide tomorrow - but you have to have the conversation so you don't wake up one morning, being 46 not 26, and he's still saying he's not sure and maybe later..

I didn't get pregnant until 33,nearly 34 and I dont feel that was too old

Being sure you are in a stable relationship is the most important thing you can do for your future children. We got married a year after DH proposed, and this was with planning a fairly large wedding in another country and coordinating family who lived all over the world. There is no good reason you can't get married within 6-12 months if you both want it - and saving up for 2 years so you can have a bigger party is not a good reason.

Anyway, I was married at 29, DC1 at 31, DC2 at 33, and I'm one of the younger mums in my circle. This year I've been to two 40th birthday parties of friends with DCs same age as mine. You have plenty of time. Honestly having a baby is stressful as hell and the stronger your relationship is before you go into it, the better chance you have of making it through.

You'd be better off saving for baby stuff than a large expensive wedding. Just pop over to the registry office and have a nice dinner with parents.

I had the same broody feelings from about 26/27 but didn’t have DD until this year (I’m 32).

As impatient as I was at the time, DH wasn’t ready and I’m glad we waited as it gave us chance to get married, establish ourselves financially and in our careers, get better qualified and to spend a few years enjoying our time together just the two of us.

It helped me to discuss and agree a rough timeline though. I don’t think my DH really understood the ‘clock ticking’ feeling that women can get. So we worked backwards - we want 2 kids ideally before 35 so based on that decided when we would ideally want to get engaged, married, start trying, leave a gap between kids, etc. You don’t have to just wait for him to propose to get the ball rolling, take some control. It may not be as romantic but may help you to relax and enjoy the next few years before a baby comes along.

even if that happens next year we would then need to save up so it would only then happen in 2022 and I'll be 29 then!

No need to save. You could pop round the registry office next week and do it for a couple of hundred £.

Doesn’t sound like he’s ready for kids though.

Apparently there's a tradition for women to propose on leap day (29th February) which is coming up next year if you're tired of waiting for him to pop the question.
But I disagree with the majority who are saying marriage is important. As long as he is named on the birth certificate if you have a baby before marriage then you have the "legal protection" of ensuring child maintenance gets paid if the worst should happen in the future. As you said you jointly own a house, he can't just "up and leave" if you find yourself pregnant before whatever goalposts he's set.
Sorry if I'm being too cynical, I don't mean to be a buzzkill. I got engaged at 20 because we were pregnant with dd1. We planned dd2, expecting it would take a while of TTC to get pregnant, but working out the dates we got pregnant the 1st day we started trying. We got married at 22 when I was pregnant, planned the whole thing within 8 weeks, very low-key, small budget, but lovely day. A lot of guests said it was nicer than some of the big budget weddings they've been to. But I do feel like we only got married because we were having another baby. We split up 4 years later when dd3 was a little over 1yo, and I'm now facing the drawn out process of divorce aged 27. For me personally, I wish I'd never got married. We had a lovely day, but we did it for the wrong reasons.
Marriage and babies are two separate life choices, you don't have to do one to do the other, no matter what the societal expectations are. That being said, having a baby is a joint decision for you and your bf. Is he perhaps waiting because he's scared of life-changes? No more last minute decisions for a weekend away. No more lie-ins on a lazy Sunday for a good few years. A lot less disposable income when you factor in all the things babies need.
I don't feel like I'm selling this very well 😅. Having a family is wonderful, but your life changes a lot when you have kids.

You've been together over four years and you own a house together but he's not asked you to marry him. I'd address that first, if he's saying he wants to get married first ask him when that might be.

If he says you need to save to get married for a couple of years and then you need to save for a couple of years more after that for a baby he's saying you're not going to be a Mummy in the next five years.

There’s nothing wrong, selfish or unusual about you wanting a baby @Cookiedough123.

DH (32) and I (26) were married earlier this year after dating for 2 years. I’m now 6 months pregnant 👍🏻

We own a home, decent savings and good jobs. There was nothing practical left to wait for so sounds similar to you. I knew I had strong maternal instincts and laid out from the start that I wanted a family long term. Brought it up properly around 10 months in and questioned his timescales. Told him I wouldn’t wait indefinitely, regardless of how happy we were.

A lot of ‘friends’ made me feel like I was impatient/crazy for doing this. There’s an unspoken rule you shouldn’t mention marriage or kids until you’re 30 in our social circles 😂 I got a lot of ‘you’ve got plenty of time’ from people whose business it was not! 😡

Luckily my DH was on the same page and wanted the same things but if he hadn’t been I’d have cut my losses. I know a few women who waited a long time and never got what they wanted - marriage and kids (mainly kids) were a deal breaker for me.

Stand up for what you want but be prepared to walk away if he doesn’t want the same!

My strongest advice though is under no circumstances ‘push’ or ‘force’ him into it. My pregnancy has sucked. I’ve been really unwell and honestly if either of us hadn’t been 100% committed to this baby I think we’d have really struggled.

Yanbu to feel the way you do. I know lots of pp's have said you have loads of time but I guess it depends how many kids you want, how many years age gap you want, plus to account for the fact it might not happen quickly and what if you need fertility treatment etc. And you read it all the time on mumsnet about how woman have waited for years for dp's to want to have dc for them to decided kids aren't for them and then the woman moans she's too old to start all over again with dating, settling and then ttc. Tbh I am in the camp of dont leave it once you know.
Sit down with dp and have a chat about engagement, wedding and family and have a time frame. I mean if you've been together 4yrs and own a house - why has he not proposed?

It's good he wants to get married first but after four years and a house purchase I'd be more concerned with why he hasn't already proposed. At 30 it's not like he has growing up to do before making such a huge commitment.