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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed and upset me and the kids were sloppy seconds on birthday playdate

100 replies

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 02/12/2019 20:39

Just got a random message from a mum i know, saying its her sons birthday tomorrow and she with her baby boy are going to a venue. Would i like to come? I say yes and ask for more details. Turns out i was only invited as previous person and their 2 kids got chickenpox. Annoying thing is this soft toy had some special pre book tickets and i suggested meeting up before and she hasn't even tried to set anything up. Im quite hurt so should i accept.

OP posts:

CactusAndCacti · 02/12/2019 21:26

I'd agree to go then 30 mins before your due to be there say something's come up and you can't make it, that way she won't have time to find a 3rd best.

Why on earth would you do that? That is just really mean and totally unnecessary.

ThinkIamflyingundertheradar · 02/12/2019 21:26

It’s perfectly normal behaviour IMO. I’ve just booked tickets for me and three friends to go to a concert next year. If, nearer the time, one or all of them of them can’t make it I’ll offer the ticket to someone else whose company I will enjoy.

Original poster

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 02/12/2019 21:31

If everyone bothers to read my responses then they will know that i have apologized for the term! And nice to know wasn't alone in my ignorance!! I wouldn't just not turn up or lie as i its not in my nature, that would be horrible.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 02/12/2019 21:31

Me too!

OP posts:

BreconBeBuggered · 02/12/2019 21:32

It's not as if you were left out of a huge party. I'd accept if I were you. Since you're new to the area, it's a good way to get to know someone, and if it goes tits-up, you can report back here. Sorted.

Echobelly · 02/12/2019 21:33

If you are the only other people invited, I don't think there's anything wrong with not being the first choice. Or if it's a small group, that's also fine. I think the only thing that would be galling was if everyone in a friendship group or baby group had been invited except you and then you only seem to get invited because they don't want to waste the money.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 02/12/2019 21:36

So she invited someone she is closer to first, fair enough and then chose you out of the other mums she could have asked.
You are reading to much into it. You sound quite high maintenance and a tad needy. Go don’t go. It’s an invite not a summons.

KurriKurri · 02/12/2019 21:37

If your children would enjoy this I can't see any reason not to go.
You being 'second choice' doesn't mean she doesn't like you - it means she likes you enough to want to spend time with you, I'm sure she has plenty of other people who she hasn;t asked. You may be second choice, many of her friends are not a choice at all. It's obviously a limited number thing.
I wouldn't be hurt about this at all

LL83 · 02/12/2019 21:37

I I would go. You are second choice, that's pretty close. I assume she only invited one other mum due to cost or because it suits her child better.

If she invited 12 mums but 8 cancelled I would consider not going (if i wasnt looking to make friends) but even then if I was free I wouldn't not go out of spite.

Lindy2 · 02/12/2019 21:37

It actually wouldn't bother me. I don't really get this, unless I'm the first and only person invited I'm not going, type of thinking.
Do you like her company?
Will your DC have fun?
You already said you want to go to the venue. Go along and have a nice time out.

Butterflycookie · 02/12/2019 21:42

I’d definitely go! You might have a great time and then she’ll be more likely to meet up again.

Addsverisimilitude · 02/12/2019 21:43

So you know you'll never be first choice because you're recent friends rather than old friends.
But you're offended at being second choice.
I don't understand your point of view at all.
If you invited your best friend and her child out with you and paid for their tickets and then they were ill, would you not see if someone else could come with you?
Your concerns seem very bizarre.

RhymingRabbit3 · 02/12/2019 21:44

I dont really think this is that bad. She planned a day with a friend. They got ill and couldnt come so she invited another friend. Are you upset that she didnt invite you in the first place, out with a friend you dont know. Does she have to invite everyone she knows to every event in case someone cant make it?

If you arent happy with it then dont go but I don't think you can imply that shes a terrible friend because she offered you a free day out.

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/12/2019 21:48

I'd go, I mean most people have a best mate it doesn't mean other friends are not real friends. Just go, have a nice time, see if you can improve your bond. Really silly to be weird about it when she only picked one other person to go with, it's not like it was a whole party of people and you were excluded.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 02/12/2019 21:49

Oh dear lord I never knew wha sloppy seconds meant, I would have used it as OP did! It comes from grease for me, kinickie says ‘sloppy seconds ain’t my style’ about rizzo... thinking about it the real meaning now totally makes sense in that context!

Op to totally derail your thread with this revelation. We always Second and third Options for play dates and parties, perfectly normal? Don’t overthink it.

Marmablade · 02/12/2019 21:49

You could look at it as second best or you could think of all the friends she didn't invite and you are ahead of them.

fartingrainbows · 02/12/2019 21:57

Well I've been educated about sloppy seconds anyway

Honestly OP if you think your ds would enjoy it then I'd go. You're a recent friend and therefore not "picked" over somebody she's known for ages. It doesn't matter, this gives you the opportunity to get to know her 1 to 1 a bit better.

rhubarbcrumbles · 02/12/2019 22:00

Go, not going is just cutting your nose off to spite your face.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/12/2019 22:00

I'd just go. It isn't like your kid was the only one left out and was then invited at the last minute. What's the worst that could happen?

themuttsnutts · 02/12/2019 22:10

It wouldn't really bother me. I think a lot of us do this if we've bought tickets or really want to go somewhere. The fact that she's asked you at all must mean you're decent company. Rather than look at it as sloppy seconds, see yourself as a silver medallist

I don't think it is healthy for you to read so much into it, though I may have done as a self conscious new mum.

Nowadays, I'd look at it more objectively:
If I wanted to go, I'd go. If I didn't, I wouldn't feel obliged to go. She will always ask someone else.

Original poster

Ibleedibreedibreaatfeed · 02/12/2019 22:13

I will go, as i know the kids will have a great time. Just feeling very stressed at the moment with certain life events, and i have anxiety anyway. So needed some outside perspective.

OP posts:

SauvignonBlanche · 02/12/2019 22:14

Thank goodness you’ve learnt what ‘sloppy seconds’ means. 🤮

justasking111 · 02/12/2019 22:18

Not all of us move in the kind of circles that would understand an expression like that. So it is rude to pull up the OP in this way.

I would be a bit hurt not about tomorrow but the way you have had your offer of friendship refused before.

mellicauli · 02/12/2019 22:20

Choice One: You sit at home being bored, chewing over this perceived slight. She feels really bad that you bailed on her , after you initially agreed. And she has no one to go out with on her son's birthday which is really important to her.. She'll probably never talk to you again because of it. And she'll moan about it to other people.

Choice Two: You put this to one side, meet up, have a great a laugh. Kids have a lovely time together. Future parties, days out etc follow.

Your choice..

minipie · 02/12/2019 22:23

Leaving aside the terminology!

I think it depends on whether she is someone who usually blanks you or doesn’t respond when you try to meet up. There’s a suggestion of this in one of your replies.

If so, I can understand why you’re annoyed by this. It’s like she doesn’t bother with you when you want to meet up but only when she need you to provide a last minute fill in.

If that’s not the case then I don’t see the problem, it’s normal to try to fill a space left by last minute illness.

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