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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBUnsupportive in wanting to leave?

66 replies

AIBUnsupportive · 02/12/2019 10:50

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have 2 kids (DS7 and DD4).

5 years ago he decided to try and set up his own business alongside his full time work meaning he would need to work evenings and Saturdays on his business.
I've always been supportive of this, looking after the kids/house even though I work full time too.

In these 5 years he has spent thousands, borrowed money off myself and other family members and has not made a single penny in income.

He is now telling me (it wasnt a conversation to see how I'd feel, he was letting me know this is what he's doing) he is going to step it up a gear and start travelling to another EU country every weekend to try and pick up work from there.

This would mean he is gone Friday evening to Monday morning and still be working all week too, leaving an hour or so in the weekdays to spend with me and the kids.
He's convinced this new direction is the answer to everything and is sure to bring in the money, I cannot be so sure.

But the main thing is, I feel the kids are massively going to miss out from having him around on the off chance he could make some money. I'd rather be a family now, able to do things together/spend proper time together as a family than the potential of a few grand in a couple of years.

I've asked him to compromise by going once a month/every other week but he's refusing that. Apparently if I don't agree to this, it means I don't believe in what he's capable of achieving. I've believed for FIVE BLOODY YEARS.

I think if he's going to basically leave me as a single parent anyway, he might as well just leave altogether, but of course this is not really what I want for us or the kids.

We are also trying to save to move out, but it ends up being that I'm the only one saving as all his money goes to his business, yet instead of saving more or trying to apply for a better full time job, he tells me this business as the thing that will get us out of renting forever.

Please tell me if IABU not supporting this anymore and for possibly wanting to leave.

Sorry, I appreciate that was really really long and probably more of a rant than anything else but could do with an outside view on this.

OP posts:
OrangeZog · 02/12/2019 10:54

YANBU. He is being selfish. It’s one thing to pursue a new business but it’s clearly not working and he has other responsibilities with his family.

Original poster
AIBUnsupportive · 02/12/2019 11:11

Thank you, this is my thinking too, it's not working and it is a super competitive field too so the chances of him making the kind of money he is dreaming about is realistically slim to none.
But he is just so passionate about it, I don't want to feel like I'm consistently putting him down so I've mostly kept quiet and helped as much as I can to make it work.
But this is taking the piss now and also feels like he's trying to guilt trip me which just makes me more angry.

OP posts:
EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 02/12/2019 11:34

Are you sure this is a business? It sounds more like an affair to me.

messolini9 · 02/12/2019 11:53

He is delusional.
He has been unable to sell his product/service/concept in his home country for the past 5 years. WTF is going to change when he tried to sell it abroad?

Apparently if I don't agree to this, it means I don't believe in what he's capable of achieving.
And his point is ..?
You can tell him from me that I don't believe he is "capable of achieving" anything above what he has achieved in the last 5 years. Zero. More to the point - neither do any of his business prospects.

What he does seem to be well capable of is spending family money on a pipe dream, while his wife shoulders 100% of the domestic burden.
Oh - & he's also pretty sharp at demanding support for his ridiculous non-earning business, while offering fuck-all support to his wife.

I'd ask him to give up his ridiculous notions, stop dreaming of pissing even more money & time away on the continent, & step up to parental & domestic duties.
If he guilt trips you & objects to that - he's more in love with his Walter Mitty act than you, & you will know how to respond accordingly.

Sorry you are saddled with such a arse of a man, OP Flowers

HollowTalk · 02/12/2019 11:56

How much has he actually spent on this so far and how much of that was borrowed?

How much profit would be made per item (if that's what he's supplying) and how many would he have to sell to make back what he's actually spent?

Introduce him to the concept of the 'sunk cost fallacy' and if he doesn't take that on board, I would dump him. You'll be living as a single parent anyway if he's off on his delusional sales trips all the time.

yearinyearout · 02/12/2019 11:58

YANBU, he is clearly deluded about his business acumen as well as being selfish. Quite honestly after five years of this I'd be ready to walk.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/12/2019 12:04

YANBU and I dont think he is giving you much choice.

If he hasn't made any income in the UK for years, realistically he is not going to make any outside the UK either as the costs will be so much higher. Does he speak another language? Surely with Brexit its not the best time even for established companies to expand in the UK.

He is basically asking you to be a single parent anyway, be supportive of him while you're doing it, and pay for the privilege of doing so (presumably money for travel will come out of family money).

Its not a career or a business, it's a very expensive hobby that's taken over his life and that he is choosing at the expense of his family

chachachachachacha · 02/12/2019 12:13

Five years is long enough of raising kids on your own and handing over money for his delusions. Just be a single parent and take control of your life back.

Original poster
AIBUnsupportive · 02/12/2019 12:17

Thanks for the replies.

Definitely not an affair to the poster who suggested that.

I know he has spent at least 5k so far on licences and various other fees/travel, it could be more but our finances are separate so can't be sure of the exact amount. I've lent in 1k which he is paying me back for monthly. His dad gives him money whenever he asks for it so it's a lot that's going out which he clearly cannot afford himself.
How much he would make would really depend on the type of client he gets and whether he could negotiate a good contract for that client, he'd then take a commission from that.

He had a knock back this week and is now convinced he has been doing it all wrong in the UK and the answer is to go abroad and do the same. He has no experience in any of it other than a love for the industry he is in.
It's frustrating as I am much more of a realist and he a dreamer, who can't see past what he wants to get out of it.

Brexit is another thing I've tried to speaking to him about, he hasn't researched how it could impact what he's doing or anything, just ploughing on and hoping for the best. It feels like having a 3rd child sometimes but feel bad shitting on his 'dreams'.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUnsupportive · 02/12/2019 12:20

IF he gets an amazing client, commissions I guess could run into the millions but I mean it's just not very likely realistically.

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 02/12/2019 12:22

i would have left this this'marriage' sometime ago and be a single parent without the '3rd child', life is going to be a lot easier and happier.

messolini9 · 02/12/2019 12:29

He had a knock back this week

No - he's had 5 years of knock-backs.
He just doesn't want to deal with the cold hard facts that nobody is biying, & nobody is going to be buying.

dontalltalkatonce · 02/12/2019 12:30

I'd have left a long time ago. This isn't a relationship. Life will be much better without the stress and resentment of this man and his bullshit business. No more 'support' for him, you get none in return and he doesn't give a fuck about his kids or relationship. Tell him to go and not let the door hit him on the way out but he's on his own.

Wattagoose90 · 02/12/2019 12:52

What kind of business is it, if you don't mind me asking?

Could you consider telling him that you'll support him going weekly for short time, maybe 3 months, but if he has no success you won't be supporting his weekly visits and he'll have to agree to stop?

Andromache77 · 02/12/2019 13:02

Is he contributing to family costs (housing, your child's needs, etc. ) or is he just expecting you to pay for everything while he spends his money (and his dad's and yours) on this "project"? If the latter, then I would tell him that this cannot go on and you are tired of "supporting" him, i.e. letting him use you to pursue a pipe dream while opting out of his responsibilities.

Andromache77 · 02/12/2019 13:05

Not to mention being there for his children (and you), which seems unlikely if he's working full-time and then on this "project".

Passthecherrycoke · 02/12/2019 13:08

OP you poor poor thing.

Firstly, you’ve done nothing wrong. He’s being selfish. He’s not a bad person- I’m sure- just a deluded one. But the problem is he’s painted himself in a corner now and he’s not going to be able to back down.

OP I really admire you for leaving. It’s very brave. I can completely see how it would be easier to trudge along hoping for the best. Well done you

AlwaysCheddar · 02/12/2019 13:09

After 5 years it isn’t sustainable. He could be in so much debt. Do you see the accounts?

notnowmaybelater · 02/12/2019 13:12

Is he trying to set himself up as some kind of A&R music representative?

So his time spent on the business is partly going to clubs/ concerts/ meeting bands?

But he has no contacts or experience at all?

He's taking the absolute piss and (or, but probably and) completely deluded!

You're right to call a halt on the support if it's something like that, and issue an ultimatum - stop it now, it's enough after 5 years, or become single.

KatharinaRosalie · 02/12/2019 13:41

Does he actually have a plan? What will be different now, compared to what he has been doing for the past 5 years? Sure it takes time to build up a business, but I would need to see that he has actually done his homework, and is not just planning to aimlessly travel around, hoping to win a lottery.

Original poster
AIBUnsupportive · 02/12/2019 13:42

He does contribute his fair share to the main things like food, rent and utilities but anything outside that, say If there's anything the kids need or something extra for the house, falls on my shoulders.

notnowmaybelater - not sure how to bold names but it's similar but sports related, so most of the time is attending Sports fixtures and building contacts. To be fair to him he has made a lot of contacts but no clients who want to sign with him which is the biggest problem.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 02/12/2019 13:49

When you’re a grown up with kids and responsibilities, your priority has to be looking after the kids and getting the bills paid. 5 years of not earning a bean is not acceptable.

blackteasplease · 02/12/2019 23:12

Is he trying to be a football agent by any chance?

blackteasplease · 02/12/2019 23:14

But no you would not be unreasonable to leave. You should leave for your own sanity and for the children.

He’s clearly not going to make any money in this business, otherwise he’d have done so already.

Original poster
AIBUnsupportive · 03/12/2019 08:43

@blackteasplease
Yep that's exactly it.

OP posts: