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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBUnsupportive in wanting to leave?

66 replies

AIBUnsupportive · 02/12/2019 10:50

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have 2 kids (DS7 and DD4).

5 years ago he decided to try and set up his own business alongside his full time work meaning he would need to work evenings and Saturdays on his business.
I've always been supportive of this, looking after the kids/house even though I work full time too.

In these 5 years he has spent thousands, borrowed money off myself and other family members and has not made a single penny in income.

He is now telling me (it wasnt a conversation to see how I'd feel, he was letting me know this is what he's doing) he is going to step it up a gear and start travelling to another EU country every weekend to try and pick up work from there.

This would mean he is gone Friday evening to Monday morning and still be working all week too, leaving an hour or so in the weekdays to spend with me and the kids.
He's convinced this new direction is the answer to everything and is sure to bring in the money, I cannot be so sure.

But the main thing is, I feel the kids are massively going to miss out from having him around on the off chance he could make some money. I'd rather be a family now, able to do things together/spend proper time together as a family than the potential of a few grand in a couple of years.

I've asked him to compromise by going once a month/every other week but he's refusing that. Apparently if I don't agree to this, it means I don't believe in what he's capable of achieving. I've believed for FIVE BLOODY YEARS.

I think if he's going to basically leave me as a single parent anyway, he might as well just leave altogether, but of course this is not really what I want for us or the kids.

We are also trying to save to move out, but it ends up being that I'm the only one saving as all his money goes to his business, yet instead of saving more or trying to apply for a better full time job, he tells me this business as the thing that will get us out of renting forever.

Please tell me if IABU not supporting this anymore and for possibly wanting to leave.

Sorry, I appreciate that was really really long and probably more of a rant than anything else but could do with an outside view on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
AIBUnsupportive · 03/12/2019 08:48

And thank you everyone for helping me see that I'm not being unfair.

I will talk to him tonight again and if we really can't reach some sort of compromise then I will have to leave for everyone's sake before we both start resenting each other.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 03/12/2019 08:55

He wants to be an agent but in5 years has no clients?
Nope. He’s delusional

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 03/12/2019 08:57

Good luck, not an easy conversation to have!

CoraPirbright · 03/12/2019 09:09

What does he do as his day job? Has he considered applying for jobs to join an already-established sports agent and live his dream that way? If his day job is not related, does he have experience? If not what on earth makes him think any sportsman is going to sign on with someone who has no clue what they are doing?

Original poster
AIBUnsupportive · 03/12/2019 09:50

His day job is completely unrelated, and other than playing football as a hobby he has no experience at all.
He did join a big agency a couple of years back but they let him go after a few months as he wasn't able to bring any clients to the table.
This now means he will not try and work for any other agency and has to do what he can to make a success of himself to show the one that let him go that they made a mistake. Unfortunately, he didn't really learn anything in his time there that can help him now.
His problem is he thinks he knows everything about everything and will not listen to reason so he always ends up learning the hard way.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 03/12/2019 10:01

So he believes that someone who could bring in millions would randomly decide to use an agent who has no actual work experience whatsoever? Why would anybody, especially if he could not even do anything as part of agency, where he could learn from more experienced people and use the company name and connections.

notapizzaeater · 03/12/2019 10:08

Does he speak other languages - if he can't make it work here, how does he expect to make it work abroad ?

Passthecherrycoke · 03/12/2019 10:13

OP already knows it won’t work. She doesn’t need convincing

SunniDay · 03/12/2019 10:14

I have read the thread and what a mess!
I think you should tell him (without focusing on the fact that you think he has no chance of success) that your marriage and family will not survive him travelling all weekend on top of working all week. Your children need a father and you need a husband. He can drop this entirely/ keep it to mon-friday (and low cost) or pack his bags.
He basically wants to travel the world watching football while you raise his children. I would tell him that there is no amount of money that is worth him looking back and realising he missed his children's childhoods. Tell him to save and "pursue his dreams" when they have grown up and left home if he must. I agree with PP when there are well known agents with good reputations why would anyone sign with someone unknown, with little experience and no other signings. It doesn't make sense.

EvilGreedyWife · 03/12/2019 10:23

I had a similar issue with my DH. I'm not going to convince you that he won't make it. You know it. It's him who needs to be convinced.

My DH was also dicking around with business that will surely make it, any day now, but he had no plan. And after enough time to ramp up, no ramp up was happening. He wasn't at least losing money, but making basically a minimum wage - in a business where he could have made 10 times as much as an employee. When I figured that out, and he could not show me any sustainable business plan, I have to say I was quite close to where you are now.

But he himself could not argue with cold hard numbers either. Is this what your DH needs to see? That this much time and money spent, this much coming in, no plan how to change it?

Fr0g · 03/12/2019 10:45

make him binge watch Dragon's Den episodes on iplayer - there's usually at least one per episode where they're incredulous about how much time/money invested/wasted on what is essentially a hobby.

Or leave.

ChuckleBuckles · 03/12/2019 11:15

OP do an audit of your own finances, how much is coming in and going out, what you actually pay for, see what support you can get and what childcare you would need, who takes time off when the kids are sick or need Dr or hospital appointments, I bet the quality of your life would not be negatively impacted without him, so ask yourself what is he bringing to the relationship other than more stress, worry and financial pressure.

PippiDeLena · 03/12/2019 11:19

Wow. He is so delusional. He either needs to work at a proper agency, earning money and learning, or he needs to give it up. He is a millstone dragging the family down at the moment just so he can live out his dreams as a high flying football agent. Ridiculous.

OlaEliza · 03/12/2019 11:20

You can tell him from me that I don't believe he is "capable of achieving" anything above what he has achieved in the last 5 years. Zero. More to the point - neither do any of his business prospects

This. What an arsehole.

Wtf kind of 'business' is it that it hasn't made a penny in 5 years and he's still pursuing it?

OlaEliza · 03/12/2019 11:27

Rtft now. He's taking you for a mug. Is he actually working or just going to the pub to watch football?

blackteasplease · 03/12/2019 11:38

My friends husband is a football agent and has done well at it. He’s been doing this since i met her so I don’t know how long it took and what he had to do, but I know he didn’t spend 5 years or more making no money or going off to the continent without having made a mark here first.

This is an utter vanity project and hobby but I know you know that.

Sometimes we are just not good at something we would like to be good at. For instance, I do not have the ability to be an opera singer, for example, and no matter how much I tried I wouldn’t succeed.

Grown ups accept that and get on with providing for their kids and not being a burden on their partner.

LannieDuck · 03/12/2019 11:42

How does he plan to fund these weekly trips abroad?

I would be inclined to tell him you've been supportive for 5 years by doing his half of the housework and the childcare. And now you want to have your own hobby which will take you out of the house for a day every weekend, so it's his turn to do housework/childcare on that day.

Don't put your life on hold for another 5 years.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/12/2019 12:06

The Dragons Den is a good idea. Tell him to watch a few episodes and imagine if he was going to the show to ask for an investment. The Dragons would rip him to shreds.

sarahjconnor · 03/12/2019 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Actionhasmagic · 03/12/2019 14:17

He’s being unreasonable

HollowTalk · 03/12/2019 19:31

IF he gets an amazing client, commissions I guess could run into the millions but I mean it's just not very likely realistically.

Not being funny, but why would a footballer guaranteed to earn millions sign with an agent who has no history? I'm a writer and when I was a debut writer the first thing I did was to check who else my agent represented. A footballer signing for a fortune would be even more likely to do that. It's just ridiculous, frankly, that an unknown would get to represent some huge star.

Andromache77 · 03/12/2019 21:02

I was going to ask about languages but someone upthread did that already. I also wonder if he's in any way acquainted with the regulatory environment and sports/contract/tax law in those countries where he's planning to travel and supposedly "make it big", countries where, incidentally, most likely than not he will soon be barred from providing services as a non-EU national.

In your place, these would be the questions that I would ask. And if he comes up with "we will hire top local lawyers", I'm pretty sure that a sports agent needs to have at least a basic understanding of these matters (and the ability to negotiate in the local language) if he's to be of any use. But that's a moot point, as no one in their right mind would hire an amateur with no previous experience or connections to big clubs to manage a large contract, there's just no way this will ever happen.

CoraPirbright · 03/12/2019 21:14

Given your last post (he has no knowledge of the area, no experience and was fired for not bringing in any clients when he did work in the industry) he is living in cloud cuckoo land!

Quartz2208 · 03/12/2019 21:42

yep he just isnt going to make it. So its time for you to make your mind up

Original poster
AIBUnsupportive · 04/12/2019 08:55

So, he doesn't know any foreign languages nor the rules and regulations in the country he's going to. He hasn't even fully read the ones that apply here, just thinks he can wing it when he finally gets that first client, it's ridiculous.
He thinks that once he gets the first client everything will fall into place and it will be easier to get others, which is probably true to an extent but nowhere near the kind of big players he would want.

I honestly don't even think the Dragon's Den idea would have any effect, nothing will make him change his mind as to whether he can do it or not. He is just determined that the next 5 years won't be the same as the last. I think it's a case of not wanting to be seen as a failure, maybe a pride thing and to show anyone who's doubted him that he can and will do it. Except he can't and won't. He feels like this is his purpose in life, before he started on this path he was depressed and didn't know where he was going in life so I think he's clinging on maybe for that reason too.

Had a chat with him last night and he said he will think or a compromise by today and then drops on me that he's going back to the country on Friday.

So that's it isn't it? He probably has no intention of finding a way around it.

I just feel so guilty for the kids though and the thought of breaking up the family and then if by some miracle he actually does make it, it will feel like we've broken up for nothing.

OP posts: