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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBUnsupportive in wanting to leave?

66 replies

AIBUnsupportive · 02/12/2019 10:50

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have 2 kids (DS7 and DD4).

5 years ago he decided to try and set up his own business alongside his full time work meaning he would need to work evenings and Saturdays on his business.
I've always been supportive of this, looking after the kids/house even though I work full time too.

In these 5 years he has spent thousands, borrowed money off myself and other family members and has not made a single penny in income.

He is now telling me (it wasnt a conversation to see how I'd feel, he was letting me know this is what he's doing) he is going to step it up a gear and start travelling to another EU country every weekend to try and pick up work from there.

This would mean he is gone Friday evening to Monday morning and still be working all week too, leaving an hour or so in the weekdays to spend with me and the kids.
He's convinced this new direction is the answer to everything and is sure to bring in the money, I cannot be so sure.

But the main thing is, I feel the kids are massively going to miss out from having him around on the off chance he could make some money. I'd rather be a family now, able to do things together/spend proper time together as a family than the potential of a few grand in a couple of years.

I've asked him to compromise by going once a month/every other week but he's refusing that. Apparently if I don't agree to this, it means I don't believe in what he's capable of achieving. I've believed for FIVE BLOODY YEARS.

I think if he's going to basically leave me as a single parent anyway, he might as well just leave altogether, but of course this is not really what I want for us or the kids.

We are also trying to save to move out, but it ends up being that I'm the only one saving as all his money goes to his business, yet instead of saving more or trying to apply for a better full time job, he tells me this business as the thing that will get us out of renting forever.

Please tell me if IABU not supporting this anymore and for possibly wanting to leave.

Sorry, I appreciate that was really really long and probably more of a rant than anything else but could do with an outside view on this.

OP posts:

OlaEliza · 04/12/2019 08:59

He isn't going to make it. He hasn't done so in the last 5 years and he didn't when working for a company. Cut your losses, he isn't going to.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2019 09:04

He's clearly a) got no aptitude for the area he wants to work in and b) is now too old to make it big. So he either needs to pack this nonsense in or downscale it to a hobby. You mentioned it was sport-related - he should perhaps look into coaching kids' teams or community sports or something like that (people with a real passion for something or other need some outlet for it - just not one that eats up all the time and income from their families.)

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2019 09:05

No 'big client' is going to want someone with five years of absolute failure behind them. They will see him as a loser. Because HE IS A LOSER. Try telling him that.

Greenmarmalade · 04/12/2019 09:06

then if by some miracle he actually does make it, it will feel like we've broken up for nothing.

Not at all, OP. You are leaving because he doesn’t listen to you, respect your time, your life, and he’s not parenting the children. The money is irrelevant. If he ‘makes it’ I think it’s unlikely he’ll spend more time doing the day to day chores and parenting: it’s not glamorous enough for him. He’d probably have a social calendar that he’d call ‘networking.’

Greenmarmalade · 04/12/2019 09:08

Because HE IS A LOSER. Try telling him that.
This is bad advice. She’s considering splitting up with her children’s father. They will need to try to be amicable for their sake.

Sexnotgender · 04/12/2019 09:24

YANBU, tell him to get a fucking job and start pulling his weight both financially and as a parent.

I was married to one of these fuckers, his big break was always round the corner. Except it wasn’t, and he nearly lost us our home.

He’s an ex now, between that shit and emotional and obviously financial abuse I’m well rid.

IWillWearTheGreenWillow · 04/12/2019 09:33

Oh dear. DH's best friend was like this. His business idea was always "just about to take off" and so he couldn't get a real job / do his fair share of family work / support anyone else in his life. It's cost him his marriage, his house and a number of friendships because he was always tapping people for money or childcare. Any refusal was met with accusations that we "just didn't believe in him". Any failure was always someone else's fault.

His business still hasn't taken off and DH doesn't talk to him anymore.

If your DP is so very invested in being perceived as a success that he's prepared to give up you and your children, I'm afraid you've had it. He's checked out already. I'm so sorry.

KatharinaRosalie · 04/12/2019 09:56

So he can't make it in his own country in 5 years, but somehow thinks he can make it in another one, where he knows nothing and nobody?

I'm working abroad. Anything abroad is 10 times harder, not easier.

Getitwright · 04/12/2019 10:13

I think you need to make him understand the concept of Fantasy Football.

He’s clearly living in a different world to you and his children.

Goldenchildsmum · 04/12/2019 10:19

I just feel so guilty for the kids though and the thought of breaking up the family and then if by some miracle he actually does make it, it will feel like we've broken up for nothing.

It's not your fault so no need to feel guilt

He won't make it

You're ending the marriage because he won't take a meaningful part in it. It's all about him. That's no way to live

Sexnotgender · 04/12/2019 11:25

Can we just clarify what he’s actually doing right now?

Does his ‘work’ basically consist of going to football games?

wasthatamistake · 04/12/2019 11:51

Why would you feel guilty? He's the one that should feel guilty. He won't make it, he's not capable.

And even if he did, he spent all his time putting 'making it' before you and his children. You've all had to sacrifice for his dream and he doesn't give a shit.

cochineal7 · 04/12/2019 12:21

I have a good friend whose young teenage son is a very promising football player in another (major) league on the continent. He was scouted years ago already by a major club for the youth league and is already prepped for the national team. There is no way on earth my friend would ever contemplate signing her son to essentially a random guy from another country with no previous experience. I mean would you sign your child? Anyway, I know you know. I feel for you, because it is horrible to put a damper on someone’s dreams. But your kids now come first.

CrimsonCattery · 04/12/2019 12:28

Even if he makes it big (he won't), he has still broken your relationship with his utter disregard for you and the children. He is the special one, chosen for success in his mind and you are there to facilitate him.

What about your free time, spare money and interests? You don't get any because he sees you and your wishes as simply unimportant.

So, he doesn't know any foreign languages nor the rules and regulations in the country he's going to. He hasn't even fully read the ones that apply here, just thinks he can wing it when he finally gets that first client, it's ridiculous.

What an absolute child. I am fuming for you. Arse.

ShadowOnTheSun · 04/12/2019 12:35

My EX-husband was (and still is) like this (note EX).

I have a small business myself, started when I was a 'sit at home' parent for a year. I don't make millions, nowhere near, but I manage to support my daughter and myself (without his input).

He always laughed and mocked my work and the 'pennies' I'm making. As he was going to become No1 businessman in UK (or even Europe!) and it was always juuuuuuust about to take off. He never bothered himself with 'boring' practicalities (nothing practical really), just dreamed about big things and earning millions in the future. His father is a millionaire, so funded his various 'operations' for a while, but has seen sense since.

Haven't seen him and heard from him in a fair while, but the last thing he was doing was some sort of online (or whatever) law course as he's going to be a hot shot lawyer and land himself lots of very rich clients. He's 34 and still living with daddy.

Still saying that I'll be very sorry I divorced him, as I'll be pinching pennies with my 'bullshit work' all my life whilst he'll be having a jet set lifestyle.

DUMP HIM.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/12/2019 13:32

I've had various goes at starting businesses myself. None have worked out so far but when I was trying them, I was always doing paid work as well. The current business is likely to work - I won't be a millionaire but, ultimately, I should be able to live off it in a few years. But I am constantly researching and planning for it (and it isn't something that involves celebrities or luck).
It's not unreasonable to want to start a business - so many jobs are either insecure or offer absolutely no progression, and so many large companies treat staff with utter contempt, so working for yourself is often a good option.
But it depends what you want to do and how you go about doing it. This bloke hasn't got the first clue, is not going to listen to anyone, and getting rid is really OP's only option of avoiding a miserable life of being his unregarded servant.

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