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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to know how to deal with this.

74 replies

MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 20:33

Dd is 12. Always been strong willed, worked very hard to instill honesty, respect for others etc. Unfortunately hasnt seemed to work, always have to deal with low level sneakiness(creeping around when we r upstairs, hiding a light after light off time (which we have to enforce or she ll be a nightmare the next morning after spending the night reading) , keep using my make up/perfume etc after countless telling off for example).
Well last week after visiting a long term family friend, which she doesnt particularly like that much , said friend text me: can u ask DD where she put my lipstick?
So i call and give the phone to said DD as i was late getting ready, DD hasnt seen said lipstick.
Today after 10 days i was chatting/ playing with her and said lipstick popped out. The shame.took all day to find out that it wasnt even a chance thing, she remembered seeing it the time before and porposly went into friend 's bedroom , looked for it and took it.
For now i just said she need to find a way to fix it and that she in big troubles but i am lost for words. She said she was planning to put it back next time but not sure i can believe anything right now AND the problem of stealing still sussist regardless. I am so so very sad.

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Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 20:40

.

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BillHadersNewWife · 01/12/2019 20:41

Stealing is often a cry for attention. Do you think you spend enough time one on one with her? What about her Dad?

churchandstate · 01/12/2019 20:43

There would be serious consequences at home from me, and she would be returning it and apologising. That’s how you deal with it.

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 20:44

Yeah lot of time, we chat in the evening when her brother is asleep, i take her myself to her sport sessions, has friends, her Dad is very good with her also. I want to give her chance to build trust back as well but dont know how.
More then a cry for attention seems to me a self control issue. Usually her response is" i wanted it or i wanted to"

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Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 20:45

Church , she refused to apologise but now saying she will give friend an apology letter, do u think thats enough? I told her she is the one that has to come up with an appropriate solution.

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Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 20:46

Im not scared of giving consequences but at same time i dont want her to just hide better, i want her to have a conscience of her own.

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churchandstate · 01/12/2019 20:46

No, and I wouldn’t let her ‘refuse’. She would be on a no-privilege diet until she did as she was told.

Throughabushbackwards · 01/12/2019 20:50

You need to take her to the friend's house and make her hand it back in person and give a sincere apology. You cannot let this slide.

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 20:52

But how do i deal with the issue so it doesnt happen again?

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churchandstate · 01/12/2019 20:55

If you make her deliver a proper apology, chances are she won’t do it again.

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 20:56

Or she ll make sure she isnt found put next time?

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Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 20:56

Yes i will make sure there s a proper apology of course

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churchandstate · 01/12/2019 20:57

There is every chance she will try to hide her stealing, OP, but it isn’t a definite. On the other hand, if she doesn’t give a proper apology and is able to shirk facing up to what she did, she will almost definitely steal again. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 20:59

I dont know what i did to raise her like this. I always always tell them the truth Sad

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AtrociousCircumstance · 01/12/2019 21:01

Make her apologise in person and hand over an apology letter. No WiFi for however long/suitable punishment.

And make it extremely clear that had she been honest and told you immediately you would not be so angry.

Howyiz · 01/12/2019 21:02

You're Right @MotherofLie you should do nothing so that she will hopefully come to the realisation that it isn't good to steal on her own Confused. That approach has worked well for you so far! Hmm
FFS act like a parent, discipline her, and as others have said take her back to your friend and make her hand back not only the lipstick she took but also a brand new one and apologise.
Your poor friend obviously knew she had taken it, and yet you blew off her attempt to get you to deal with it.

poorstudent1010 · 01/12/2019 21:07

You aren’t handling this well at all.

You need to tell the family friend that you are so sorry but she did steal the lipstick. Profusely apologise. You should then offer to repurchase the lipstick- why should the friend have to keep a lipstick your daughter has been using and touching? It’s unsanitary now. I certainly wouldn’t want that exact tube of dirty lipstick back.

Sneakily putting it back is such a stupid idea, and you’re a bad parent if you co-sign that idea as you’re teaching her that her actions do not have consequences. Obviously the friend will notice, she knows it’s missing and already suspected your daughter of messing with it - you don’t think the friend will notice it appear magically, coinciding with your daughter visiting again?

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:07

I always deal with her lieing or taking things, and that approach hasnt worked as u can see. I m seeing friend tomorrow and i told her she has until then to come up with a way to make it up to her that i approve of(i e must contain an apology)

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churchandstate · 01/12/2019 21:08

I stole when I was just a little older than her. Just once, from a shop, in my school uniform with some of my mates. My HT put us all in a taxi and made us go to the shop and give back what we stole. I never, ever stole anything again.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know it was wrong before - I did - it was that I didn’t know just how wrong, until I had to admit to it.

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:09

Poorstudent of course i said that is what DD told me, i would never allow her to just put it back as if nothing happened! When did i say that!

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Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:10

Churchandstate i actually did just that when she was small and too smt from a shop

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Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:10

Think sweets

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poorstudent1010 · 01/12/2019 21:10

Don’t hand over an apology letter, that’s such a cop-out.

Get her to apologise in person. She needs to deal with the consequences even if embarrassing. You should definitely repurchase the lipstick (not just offer), and give the friend the new lipstick.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 01/12/2019 21:11

No priveleges/no going out/ no WiFi ... To ensure she realises how seriously you are taking it.

A letter of apology and visit to the friend... With a promise not to steal again.

Can you see if any of the local neighbourhood cops could have a word...?
They certainly used to do this...as recently as early 2000s at least!

For some kids this is enough....if they keep stealing sooner or later they will get a police record which will stop them being able to do various jobs
Essentially appealing to their self interest...

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:13

Apology letter would be for HER to hand over to friend .

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