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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to know how to deal with this.

74 replies

MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 20:33

Dd is 12. Always been strong willed, worked very hard to instill honesty, respect for others etc. Unfortunately hasnt seemed to work, always have to deal with low level sneakiness(creeping around when we r upstairs, hiding a light after light off time (which we have to enforce or she ll be a nightmare the next morning after spending the night reading) , keep using my make up/perfume etc after countless telling off for example).
Well last week after visiting a long term family friend, which she doesnt particularly like that much , said friend text me: can u ask DD where she put my lipstick?
So i call and give the phone to said DD as i was late getting ready, DD hasnt seen said lipstick.
Today after 10 days i was chatting/ playing with her and said lipstick popped out. The shame.took all day to find out that it wasnt even a chance thing, she remembered seeing it the time before and porposly went into friend 's bedroom , looked for it and took it.
For now i just said she need to find a way to fix it and that she in big troubles but i am lost for words. She said she was planning to put it back next time but not sure i can believe anything right now AND the problem of stealing still sussist regardless. I am so so very sad.

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churchandstate · 01/12/2019 21:14

No, OP, an apology letter lets her distance herself from what she did. She snuck into someone’s bedroom, invading their space, and stole an intimate item just because she felt like it. That’s really wrong. She needs to apologise in person.

poorstudent1010 · 01/12/2019 21:14

Apology letter would be for HER to hand over to friend .

Right, but why a letter exactly? She should say it to her face rather than give her a pointless letter. It’s like texting an apology vs doing it in person. What comes across as more sincere?

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:15

Iamthedevils, she only goes to sport sessions or has friends home, too young for going to mall or similar. I m thinking to computer use/tv all week. Might keep sport classes as i think exercise is important and not sure all week home is of much benefit

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Howyiz · 01/12/2019 21:16

Stop expecting a 12 year old to decide her punishment. It's like asking turkeys to vote for Christmas! You are (apparently) the adult here, YOU set the punishment and make sure it is adhered to.

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:17

Poorstudent as i said this is one of the solutions she came up with, nothing is decided. I think apology in letter too might be more heatfelt and make more sense then being stifled by embarassment face to face(which she will still have to do)

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Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:18

Howyz shouldnt 12 be old enough to start taking responsabilities for themselves?

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poorstudent1010 · 01/12/2019 21:19

She snuck into someone’s bedroom, invading their space, and stole an intimate item just because she felt like it.

She also planned it out since the previous visit, then repeatedly lied about it afterwards. Her premeditated deceptive and manipulative behaviour is concerning. She needs a massive wake up call, not a soft approach.

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/12/2019 21:21

She needs to apologise in person IMHO. Is she suggesting a letter because she is uncomfortable with a personal apology and maybe she doesn't want to see the disappointment in your friend's eyes? If so, I think she needs to see it. She needs to experience the emotional impact on others.

poorstudent1010 · 01/12/2019 21:21

A letter is a cop out. If anything, it’s less heartfelt. I could type absolutely anything in a letter or text, it doesn’t mean it’s genuinely how I feel. Could just do it to keep the peace etc. It’s much harder to fake an apology face to face.

Howyiz · 01/12/2019 21:22

Take responsibility, yes. Able to take on the adult role, no!
Plus you're worried she will be embarrassed? She should be embarrassed, she should be absolutely fucking mortified about her behaviour, as should you! I cannot believe that you haven't already punished her and taken her to your friend. You are so passive it is no wonder she walks all over you!

ASundayWellSpent · 01/12/2019 21:22

Try to talk to her about why she did it, the reasons almost always go deeper than what is apparent... For instance, did she steal it because she wants make up but you don't allow her because of her age? Did she lie to you because she feared you would go nuclear on her? She absolutely must apologise, but being able to get to the emotional crux of her behaviour will make her more willing to empathise with the embarrassment you're feeling and the upset for your friend. Otherwise an apology is just lip service to you.

My DD is going through a phase of telling me when she's had trouble with a friend, or a teacher, and straight away panicking asking me not to tell anyone else (DH, grandparents etc). Or vice versa with my mum, her dad etc. I keep telling her that even if what she's done is so so bad she must be open about it with at least me and DH, because even if we were to be very angry about it our first job is to help her with her problems and sort them with her not punish or humiliate her which are both relatively pointless

Poing · 01/12/2019 21:24

Does she get pocket money?

hiredandsqueak · 01/12/2019 21:25

Does she get pocket money? If so, I'd take the pocket money to buy a new lipstick If she doesn't get pocket money then you issue a list of extra chores so that she earns the money it will cost you to replace the lipstick. She must also hand back the stolen item and apologise in person.

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:27

Howyz no need for the aggressiveness, im here asking for advice am i not? Geez...
ASundayWellSpent, yes her reasoning is that we dont let her have make up(or more precisely she has a little bit but not allowed to go out with it, unless smt like lipgloss)

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Chunkers · 01/12/2019 21:28

She should also be paying for the lipstick out of her savings along with returning the original with a face to face sincere apology (along with wifi ban, etc.).

Morred · 01/12/2019 21:29

A “natural” consequence is for you to explain you can’t trust her. So anything you currently “trust” her to do, you can’t. Each time, explain it’s because she was dishonest. After a few days, make a big deal of trusting her to do something (walk home, do homework in a separate room from you) and praise her a lot when she manages it.

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:29

No pocket money, stopped it as it went all on sweets.
I do tell her till im blue in the face, that i expect truth and it much worse if she lies, also shown her that i ll always help if she comes to me, i alway try to believe her so that she doesnt feel like truth wouldnt be believed but seems its all for nothing.

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Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:30

Thank u morred thats a good idea

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ysmaem · 01/12/2019 21:33

First of all you take her round to the friends house and you make her hand it over. I would also expect her to explain and apologise. Ground her and remove privileges. Also point out that you no longer trust her and that she'll have to earn the trust back. If it continues then I would definitely seek help from School nurse or GP

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/12/2019 21:33

Some of the behaviour you describe is fairly normal, especially if the parents are strict or disapproving. I don't know many adults who haven't tried to read after lights out as children, for example. Wanting to use a parents' makeup or toiletries/try on their shoes or clothes is pretty common too. The real problem there is that she feels she has to hide so much from you.

Obviously the stealing is another level, but I suspect the two are linked and the language you use about her is quite telling. My sister stole a lot and my mother's attitude to her was very similar. My mother still uses the stealing as an example of what a "difficult" child my sister was (and hence why nothing could be my mother's fault) and my sister still behaves badly because a negative reaction is the only attention she will get.

Howyiz · 01/12/2019 21:34

But you keep finding excuses for not punishing her. You want her to come up with something because you don't want to be the bad guy. Your complete lack of action is why she doesn't learn.

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:38

Howyiz found out this eve and action will be taken tomorrow. I know my DD and screaming at her to go to friends house right know would bring a complete close down on her part. I know nothing wrong in waiting to deal with things tomorrow morning.i already said several times that she will apologise, but my main concern is for her to understand and not do it again, rather then what my friend will think of us.
I am furious, i am disappointed and sad, the only thing u seem to want to do is kick me when im down, well i am very down and obvs a shit parent, happy now?
She s 12, i cant exactly carry her out in my arms.

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Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:39

And for the millionth time, she is losing priviledge and will apologiase so dont know where u find that im not willing to discipline her.

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ShyteSprite · 01/12/2019 21:41

Why are you letting her decide how she gives it back/apologises? What will she learn from that exactly? Why haven't you marched her to the shops to buy a new one, then marched her to your friend's house to apologise profusely?
She needs loss of privileges and tell her in no uncertain terms how her actions have made your friend feel and you feel. It speaks volumes that your friend knew it was your daughter who took it. I'd be mortified that my daughter was sneaking round someone's house stealing and lying about doing so and I certainly wouldn't let the sun set before I'd sorted this out on the day it actually happened or got found out.

Original poster
MotherofLie · 01/12/2019 21:44

I did explain all that. I thought it wpuld responsalise her rather then me saying u going to friend and apologise right now and her refusing to till i force her, to give a insincere muttered apology.
I thought sending her to bed and remuginating the issue it will sink in and be ready the next day with more understanding.

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