Not to know how to deal with this.

[MotherofLie]

Dd is 12. Always been strong willed, worked very hard to instill honesty, respect for others etc. Unfortunately hasnt seemed to work, always have to deal with low level sneakiness(creeping around when we r upstairs, hiding a light after light off time (which we have to enforce or she ll be a nightmare the next morning after spending the night reading) , keep using my make up/perfume etc after countless telling off for example).
Well last week after visiting a long term family friend, which she doesnt particularly like that much , said friend text me: can u ask DD where she put my lipstick?
So i call and give the phone to said DD as i was late getting ready, DD hasnt seen said lipstick.
Today after 10 days i was chatting/ playing with her and said lipstick popped out. The shame.took all day to find out that it wasnt even a chance thing, she remembered seeing it the time before and porposly went into friend 's bedroom , looked for it and took it.
For now i just said she need to find a way to fix it and that she in big troubles but i am lost for words. She said she was planning to put it back next time but not sure i can believe anything right now AND the problem of stealing still sussist regardless. I am so so very sad.

Too much talk. She has no choice in the matter.
She returns the lipstick in person, with an apology tomorrow.
Nothing else is getting done until that happens.

She’s your DD, OP. I hope she’s asleep now anyway. But tomorrow I think you should deal with this by taking a more definite stance.

Whatever you do, definitely buy the new lipstick though.

No pocket money at all?
I know that's nothing to do with this issue but could you not manage pocket money in a different way so she can't spend on sweets rather than just stop giving it?

Codename , how for example?

She needs to pay to replace the lipstick as well as apologising in person. I can’t imagine your friend will want to use the stolen item now.

Yes i agree

Perhaps open a bank account for her that doesn't have a bank card, but that you can access to transfer money in and out of? When there is enough in there to buy whatever she wants then you buy it for her. That's how I do it with my 11 year old. I have a young saver account for his pocket money that I have on my own internet banking (Lloyd's) and a weekly standing order for £4. When he has enough to buy a gaming thing or whatever he wants I transfer it to my account and buy it.

I would be frog marching her round to your friends door to verbally apologise and return the stolen item. I would make it very clear to my daughter that stealing others property is unacceptable and she will be doing paid chores to raise enough funds to purchase a new untampered with lipstick in the meantime. Tech is limited at your discretion dependent on her partaking in the chores with minimal fuss. Nip this in the bud op with a firm but fair punishment.

OP, you sound like a really great mother whom is doing her best.

You clearly are very upset, mortified, embarrassed, confused, and majorly pissed off with your daughter.

I would be too.

I think you have had a mix of good advice here if you wade through it.

She's been very, very bold to do this.
It cannot be minimised.
She violated someone's privacy.

She needs to be required to totally own what she did, and to make make this right by replacing the item.

OP, you need to place a very sharp eye on her, and let her know it.

Otherwise, you may have serious stress coming down the line.

Do not minimise her actions.

Wishing you strength and kindness 👍

A logical response would be that as you now have to pay to replace friend's lipstick, you have less money for Christmas presents so she will get one present less than she would have done.

I think it's also worth having a non judgemental chat with her about the implications of her action on her relationships. How does she think her friend felt when she lost the lipstick? What is friend likely to feel / think now she knows dd stole it? How could that effect the way she behaves towards dd? Is that what dd wants? How does the event change your relationship? If she really wanted some lipstick, what else could she have done instead of nicking it? Etc

billy1966 thank you , u cant imagine how i needed some kind words.

neolara i am as well worried how my relationship with said friend might change. Have talked to her along those lines and will repeat in the morning, maybe ask her to write a essay about those questions.

educatinArty we dont do christmas so not really going to work

neolara as well it is my friend, an adult woman, which DD is not so crazy about haha

I really feel for you, MotherofLie, and can imagine how horrible it is for you.

Hiding a light under her bed covers when you're in bed, reading, I understand. I used to do that at her age and listen to the radio very quietly (Radio Luxembourg in those days, it finished at 3am), also using my mum's make up - but not stealing. That's a step too far.

She is going to apologise to your friend, I suggest she buys another, new, lipstick out of what would have been her pocket money. Im sure your friend will forgive her and so will you but she has to learn a lesson.

Good luck .

Sending hugs. Parenting is hard going sometimes. You know your child, choose from the suggestions what you think will work for her. And don't take any judgements to heart. You're unsure what to do, so asked for ideas. You're not sweeping it under the carpet. That's good parenting right there. I expect youll feel clearer in the morning Xx

It does sound like she doesn't get a lot she can choose herself so she doesn't really care if she loses privileges.

Not sure if that makes much sense, she sounds really desperate to have some makeup and the like going by your examples, does she have her own? Would you be willing to get her a few bits and only allow her to use them at home or for special occasions?

She'd obviously have to earn them, but it might remove the temptation a bit.

She does have some like mascara that can use at home and has skincare facewash whatnot.
My own i dont mind her to try but im trying to teach her u ask first, but im not bothered about that. Her bedtime is quite late, around 9.30, unfortunately tiredness has always been a trigger in that her behaviour is really affected, so have to be a bit strict there for all of our own good

I stand by what I said...she may need more attention from you.

Sorry - all this non judgmental chat / she's missing care and attention from you

No - she goes round in person and apologises (plus additionally a letter saying sorry)

Privileges are withdrawn - whatever it is that floats her boat (WiFi? iPad? going out with friends?)

Oh, and she buys a replace,ent lipstick. She may not have pocket money but presumably she has or will have birthday / Christmas money.

Or she can forego a Christmas present / have one returned to pay for the lipstick.

And then explore what may have triggered it (if it is something more than just petty pilfering and wanting something she can't have)

I think if she doesn’t have pocket money then she needs to do chores and ‘earn’ the money. She definitely needs to apologise face to face as well.

Firstly yes she should be facing consequences. That should include taking a new lipstick and handing over to your friend.
Going forward you need to look at the reasons behind it. She is 12 that is most definitely an age where she will be experimenting with make up, she is also old enough to start having a little bit more freedom and visiting shops with friends. And let her have/earn pocket money. If she chooses to spend it on sweets thats her choice, she will soon learn when she realises she has spent her money and then cant buy something else she wants.