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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not tell him before we meet?

52 replies

Harlaw · 01/12/2019 19:58

I’ve had a really tough few years, (I won’t go all ‘woe is me’ as it’s not really relevant to my predicament ) but the outcome is I’m single and have a DS (10).

I still live with ex due to finances so wasn’t really looking for any sort of relationship due to my living situation. It’s a difficult situation re finances which means I can’t separate from him just yet.

Anyway I started talking to a lovely man, it was just a friendship thing to begin with (he knows my situation) but it seems to be progressing a bit, we talk constantly, he makes me smile, we have so much in common and seem to be really connecting... we are both on the same page thinking ‘what if’ and this could turn into a relationship.

He wants to meet and I want to meet him but now to my predicament... I was diagnosed with Crohn’s as a teen, suffered all through my 20s (36 now), about 4 years ago I was told my only option was surgery. I got an op to remove my large intestine and now have a permanent ileostomy. I haven’t told him about this. I’m not going to sleep with him first meet but I am so so scared of telling him.

We talk about everything and sometimes it gets a bit sexual so both our intentions are that way inclined but I’ve left it so long I don’t know how to broach the subject. Do I tell him face to face? Do I tell him before we meet? Planning on meeting him for real next week and I’m so scared, I’m just so scared of rejection but it is something that I’m going to have to tell him about... what do I do?

I feel like just deleting him and being miserable and alone for ever but this is the first glimmer of... something I’ve had for years.

OP posts:

smemorata · 01/12/2019 20:01

I would tell him face to face - far easier to explain as he might not even know what it is and you can gauge his reaction better! Good luck as it's not easy .

Mamasaurus82 · 01/12/2019 20:25

Don't delete him and don't give up hope. I know a couple of people (SIL and friend) with a similar medical condition which has left them with that, who have found love since they had it done. And they're similar ages to you as well. If, for some reason it was an issue for him, then it would show you where he's at (and that he'snot worth bothering with), but more than likely if he's a nice guy he can accept it/ won't even be bothered. I understand why you are anxious, but don't let it get you in too much of a tizz and try and focus on what sounds like a nice thing blossoming.
Also, I agree face to face would maybe be best.

Original poster

Harlaw · 01/12/2019 20:30

Thank you for your replies.

Logically I know he’s not worth it if it is an issue for him but It will be a massive dent to my confidence. I don’t know how to tell him but I know deep down it should be face to face. I just thought I’d give him time to run if I told him beforehand... I don’t want him to feel tricked.

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 01/12/2019 21:03

Hmm I would be upfront before meeting I think.

Kyvia · 01/12/2019 21:11

You’re not planning on anything physical with this first meeting anyway. I’d leave it for now and see if you actually want to see him again after this first date! Sometimes these things just don’t translate and there’s no chemistry in real life. So I wouldn’t worry about it yet.

If the first date goes well and you decide you actually do want to shag him..... then I’d tell him, straightforwardly, and see what his reaction is.

mrsbyers · 01/12/2019 22:30

I’ve got a bag for life and have had crohns for 20 years , when I dated I just told them casually - it was never ever an issue

Thethiniceofanewday · 01/12/2019 22:49

Maybe meet him first and if you like him and want to take it further then you could bring it up? You may find there’s no spark!

Honeyroar · 01/12/2019 22:56

I think there’s no need to tell him so early. Just get to know him better, go out a few (or a lot) of times. Take your time until you feel Comfortable with him. You’ve nothing to feel ashamed of, it’s just a part of you. (my husband has had one this year, so I understand your feelings).

TiceCream · 01/12/2019 23:09

Imo you should be honest. I have a dairy intolerance and (before I met DH) several men turned me down because they couldn’t imagine being with someone who couldn’t just grab a pizza. I went on a date with one guy who was furious that I requested the allergen menu in the restaurant because he couldn’t be doing with that hassle every time we eat out. He said I was wasting his time because he’d have rejected me if he’d known. I can’t imagine what these guys would have said if I’d had an ileostomy.

bridgetreilly · 01/12/2019 23:15

I would wait until you meet him. Then, if you like him as much in real life as you do now, you need to tell him about it. I'd also make it very clear in advance what your expectations are for a first date, i.e. that it won't end in bed.

rubydoobydoo · 01/12/2019 23:39

@TiceCream it sounds like you had a few lucky escapes there!

I was diagnosed with MS not long before I met my now DH. I decided to tell.him before we met because if that was a deal breaker we needn't waste either of our time! So I think I'd tell him first, on the basis that if it IS a problem he wouldn't be the one for you anyway.

user1473878824 · 01/12/2019 23:48

If I’m really honest OP, and I don’t want to upset anyone so I’m sorry if I do, if someone told me that and I had no experience of it, it wouldn’t put me off but I might overthink it for a bit just because I don’t know the ins and outs if that makes sense, and would want to ask you about it but wouldn’t know how! But if I liked someone I wouldn’t care. I would say, if you think you could/he’s worth it, mention it and say it’s a bit of dent in my confidence and I wanted to tell you, didn’t know how, do you want me to tell you about it or shall we just order another glass?

TargaryenBean · 02/12/2019 00:01

I would definitely tell him before meeting personally. He'll have time to think it through and ask any questions when you meet etc. Instead of kind if putting him on the spot he could feel awkward. If he's decent it won't matter to him, you have no reason to be ashamed.

Poissonpoison · 02/12/2019 00:07

Wait till you meet, you dont owe him anything and it's better to chat about it. I now drop the c bomb (I have lots of scars from cancer and various other health problems) on the first date if I know I want to see them again. Otherwise it's none of their business. I've never had a negative response to it.

changeforprivacy · 02/12/2019 00:09

I would actually tell him after the date. Not face to face so he isn't pressured to react, but definitely do your first date and give you both the chance to get to know each other.

AnybodyWantAChip · 02/12/2019 00:12

mrsbyers - what an amazing post.

Just got a Crohn's diagnosis myself and dealing with the implications, but married so don't have the same issues.

Agreed with all the other posts who say if you like each other the first conversation may be a bit awkward, but if you like each other enough you can work it out. I think it is a face to face thing, not a text.

VenusTiger · 02/12/2019 00:25

I don’t think you’re tricking him if you don’t tell him on your first date OP - it’s not a choice you’ve made - you haven’t lied so I think you should take advice as above, meet first, get acquainted and tell him in your own time. You may end up not getting along in person, you never know, so don’t jump in with personal information straight off. He’s still a stranger to you in all fairness.
Have a lovely time.

EugenesAxe · 02/12/2019 00:27

I would tell him if it looks like you want to pursue a physical relationship after you've met. There's a possibility that the chemistry you enjoy via your current communication methods won't be there when you meet in person.

I also think that you'll be able to read more from a reaction in person than on the phone, and so protect yourself better.

Aridane · 02/12/2019 00:43

Nah, I wouldn't tell before a first date. See if it's likely to go beyind and first date and to something physical - then mention

BodenGate · 02/12/2019 00:49

I agree, wait until you’ve met him and if you decide you want to see him again then tell him via the means of communication that feels most comfortable for you whether that be face to face, text or on the phone.

Italiangreyhound · 02/12/2019 00:52

I agree with Kyvia and others that you should see if there is any chemistry.

iceCream "I have a dairy intolerance and (before I met DH) several men turned me down because they couldn’t imagine being with someone who couldn’t just grab a pizza. I went on a date with one guy who was furious that I requested the allergen menu in the restaurant because he couldn’t be doing with that hassle every time we eat out. He said I was wasting his time because he’d have rejected me if he’d known." Sorry, but that is one very sad and unpleasant man and I really hope you said "you should have told me you were absolute arse so I didn't waste my time with you."

We really do not owe men a total explanation of our dietary or medical needs/histories before we have even worked out of we like them!

BUT I think rubydoobydoo has a point, "...if that was a deal breaker we needn't waste either of our time!"

So on reflection, do what you want to do.

Did you see Georgina on the Circle? She talked openly about her bag and showed a photo with it. She was gorgeous and amazing.

metro.co.uk/2019/09/25/circles-georgina-praised-blunt-chat-stoma-bag-living-chrons-disease-10803971/

romeoonthebalcony · 02/12/2019 00:53

sometimes people you chat to online for ages never show to meet up so if you tell him before and he doesn't show you might blame it on the ileostomy when it might just have happened anyway.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 02/12/2019 00:59

I think I would tell him before meeting. Just so if he does get funny you didnt go through meeting him and having to tell him something you find hard face to face ect. If he does get funny though he is definitely not worth meeting. You sound lovely though. The right guy is out there for you. I hope you have found him

Oldfail · 02/12/2019 01:05

Agree that you should see if there is chemistry first and if/when you decide to tell him (may even be on that first date) be prepared to answer some awkward or weird questions.

My dh has alopecia totalis. I didn't know this although it was obvious from his online dating photos. So when I first met him he brought it up... it was then I realised he had no eyebrows or eyelashes.... I looked at him and was like... so you have no hair...like anywhere.... with that knowing look. He was so sweet and not phased at all by it. He owned his alopecia, with that it helped me to be honest about my conditions and he was so accepting.

If he has a weird reaction if/when you tell him then its not the right match. But if it helps my friend has a bag like you, met her dh and has 3 children. You wouldn't even know she has the bag.

Nixee2231 · 02/12/2019 01:05

I would tell him before so he has time to process how he feels about it. If you tell him face to face and his very first reaction/facial expression is unpleasant you might (rightly) feel hurt and be put off it. But I have first hand experience with people reacting negatively to news that surprise them, and then doing a total 180 when they process it. Most of the time it's just an automatic reaction to the "big scary unknown" and doesn't mean they are a bad person.

My husband is one of those people, he is the most easy going person in the world and is truly not bothered by anything, as long as you just give him a second first. I'm not saying everyone you meet deserves this same courtesy. But if this is someone you feel hopeful about,it might be something to consider.

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