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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not tell him before we meet?

52 replies

Harlaw · 01/12/2019 19:58

I’ve had a really tough few years, (I won’t go all ‘woe is me’ as it’s not really relevant to my predicament ) but the outcome is I’m single and have a DS (10).

I still live with ex due to finances so wasn’t really looking for any sort of relationship due to my living situation. It’s a difficult situation re finances which means I can’t separate from him just yet.

Anyway I started talking to a lovely man, it was just a friendship thing to begin with (he knows my situation) but it seems to be progressing a bit, we talk constantly, he makes me smile, we have so much in common and seem to be really connecting... we are both on the same page thinking ‘what if’ and this could turn into a relationship.

He wants to meet and I want to meet him but now to my predicament... I was diagnosed with Crohn’s as a teen, suffered all through my 20s (36 now), about 4 years ago I was told my only option was surgery. I got an op to remove my large intestine and now have a permanent ileostomy. I haven’t told him about this. I’m not going to sleep with him first meet but I am so so scared of telling him.

We talk about everything and sometimes it gets a bit sexual so both our intentions are that way inclined but I’ve left it so long I don’t know how to broach the subject. Do I tell him face to face? Do I tell him before we meet? Planning on meeting him for real next week and I’m so scared, I’m just so scared of rejection but it is something that I’m going to have to tell him about... what do I do?

I feel like just deleting him and being miserable and alone for ever but this is the first glimmer of... something I’ve had for years.

OP posts:

Creepster · 02/12/2019 01:24

You need to tell him before you meet to give him the opportunity to reject you.
It is the only ethical choice for you.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 02/12/2019 04:19

I would definetly tell before meeting him.
If it puts him off then he isnt for you anyway OP.
You wont have to waste any more time on him.
If he is a nice guy like you think then he wont mind at all.
Wouldnt you want to know?
Hope all goes well.

pinkdelight · 02/12/2019 08:47

I love mrsbyers vibe and it suggests that it's only as much of an issue as you make it. If it's not an issue for you and not a big deal in the convo then you're signalling to him that it's not an issue, you still feel sexy and you can both get on with what really matters, enjoying each other's company. I like that approach too because it doesn't put your confidence in his hands to make or break. It's just a detail and you own it and focus instead on whether you still fancy him. And if he's funny about the non-issue, then you definitely don't fancy him and can write him off with no injury to your confidence. Obviously attaining that confidence in the first place is a challenge but I'd take mrsbyers' cue and fake it till you feel it. Don't tell him before, don't angst or build up to it, just mention it as a 'you should prob know but know it's no biggie' detail and then carry on being yourself.

CravingCheese · 02/12/2019 09:15

Have a nice, informal date.

If you like him/want to see him again? Tell him during the date in a very casual manner..
oh, I have crohns and got a ileostomy a few years ago. (you could mention it as in: 'I really like my food.' 'you?' 'oh yes, it's lovely. I need to consider xyz due to...')
I wouldn't make it a major issue.

Honeyroar · 02/12/2019 09:35

I just don’t feel like you’re obligated to tell every Tom,Dick and Harry you go on a date with before you even know whether you’re going to go on another date, let alone sleep
With them. I’d say have a couple of dates and if it’s feeling like it could go further then tell him face to face. It’s only a bag, you’re not declaring a contagious disease!

Poissonpoison · 02/12/2019 09:45

You need to tell him before you meet to give him the opportunity to reject you.
It is the only ethical choice for you.

Are you for real?

AttheMarket31974632 · 02/12/2019 12:17

Are you married ?

Why are you still living with your ex ?
Surely that is not sustainable for the long term

LadyRivers1 · 02/12/2019 22:00

@Harlaw

Hi OP, I also have an ileostomy, due to ulcerative colitis though. Hope you don't mind me sharing my story.

I had been chatting to this guy for ages, throughout my surgery and everything. I hadn't told him what I was in for, he just knew I was really unwell, had surgery and didn't ask any further. As I got my health back, we ended up going on a couple of dates, taking things really slowly though. I had been trying to find the right time to tell him, but couldn't bring myself to. Inevitably, things started to get intimate one night, and I'm ashamed to say I freaked out, told him to stop and he went home. I really hurt his feelings, but he took it so well. I messaged him and told him everything, and his exact words were "Ah , doesn't bother me. Just glad we're alright ". We've went from strength to strength since then and we went out for out one year anniversary at the weekend there. He's held my hand through further surgery (procotcolectomy and j pouch construction) and will be there for me this week when I get my j pouch connected up. I feel very lucky to have him, and I would feel lucky to have him even if I didn't have health issues.

I would definitely tell him in a different way to what I did . I wouldn't do it before you meet though, to me theres absolutely no harm in having a date or two first, see where it goes. And dont make it a big, huge deal and build it up in your head like I did, because ultimately, it's not a huge deal. Took me throwing a guy I fancied the pants off me before I realised that though. Feel free to PM me if you want

LadyRivers1 · 02/12/2019 22:01

And apologies for the awful spelling and punctuation!

Love51 · 02/12/2019 22:08

I wouldn't be put off by the bag.
Still living with your ex partner would bother me a bit though.
I don't think you owe new fella anything in terms of full disclosure about medical stuff. I don't agree with the implication that you have an ethical impetus to tell him.

HerrenaHarridan · 02/12/2019 22:13

Please tell him before you go!

It doesn’t have to be weird and awkward but it will be if he discovers it by accident. Or when you don’t want to sit close to him or let him out his arm round you.

Not ending in bed is not the same as being closed if to getting close!

Just drop it in op. Give him a chance to google it, no need to risk an adverse reaction due to a clumsily handled surprise

Just get it over with! Send him a link whatever you need to do to say it!

Honeyroar · 02/12/2019 22:15

Please may ask a non related question to those with bags (apologies OP) - have any of you had any problems going through airport security? My husband is worried after the stoma nurses told him he could have to empty it/remove it while in security to prove it’s not full of drugs.

Lemonlimesoda · 02/12/2019 22:17

I think mentioning face to face could be quite intense and doesn’t give him time to think or gather his thoughts and therefore could be awkward. If he likes you it wouldn’t be an issue but I think would still be fair to give him time to digest it without you watching his face for reaction

mrsbyers · 02/12/2019 22:18

Re airport they will usually detect it on a full body scan but all they do is ask you to lift your top and they will swan the bag - he can ask to go to a private area. He won’t be asked to empty it or anything invasive - It’s never been a big issue at all so tell him not to worry. Empty it before passport control if possible though incase of queues

Singlebutmarried · 02/12/2019 22:21

I also have crohns and have had an ileostomy, but had it was temporary.

I was with my boyfriend when this happened (emergency surgery no choice in the matter) and it was ok.

It was me that had the issue with it.

Boyfriend became fiancé then husband.

We’re still good 19 years later.

I’d mention it before hand, but that would be to protect me before I go too attached.

Honeyroar · 02/12/2019 22:24

Thank you Mrsbyers. I’m a flight attendant so he’s on standby and always has to rush through the airport, so I think he was worried it would make it difficult/slow him down. He’s reassured by your reply.

Chancey1982 · 02/12/2019 22:29

I had 3 dates this yr, I was excited about meeting each person. But I found although they were nice enough I had no interest in meeting any of them again. I'd wait and see what happens. You might not have a spark and if you do, you'll prob find it won't be an issue. Good luck!!

TheDarkPassenger · 02/12/2019 22:45

Do it face to face and keep confident about it. It’s perfectly normal and therefore perfectly normal for you to act as such about it. If he’s got an issue that’s his problem!

I would deffo do it face to face though, it shows you aren’t ashamed and it also stops the whole anxiously awaiting the reply and him typing and deleting stuff for half an hour trying to word it without being offensive (it’s amazing what texts can read like when you don’t mean something a certain way!!) much better to chat about it like adults irl imo

LadyRivers1 · 03/12/2019 00:11

@Honeyroar

I've flown twice since I had mine, and once had to go through the body scanner. It was picked up on the body scanner and they just gave me a pat down and waved the hand scanner over it, didn't even ask me what it was, looked like they knew already. So nope, no problems.

BetterABird · 03/12/2019 00:21

I think I'm alone in thinking I'd say now. If he's an online unknown person better to find out now maybe?

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 03/12/2019 06:58

Op i have an ileostomy myself and I'm going to go against the grain and say tell him before you meet otherwise your first meeting is going to feel like you have a dark cloud over it and you won't be able to enjoy the first meeting as you will be feeling worried about when and how to tell him

If you have his email just take your time and compose an email, enclose links to ileostomy sites so he can see what it is ...tell him you wanted to let him know before meeting so that he had chance to decide if he was ok with it....then at least you know if he still wants to meet up he is ok with it....if he doesn't then at least you didn't have to deal with him face to face...

Op there are dating sites for people with ileostomy so if it doesn't work out with him, go on there and if you match up anyone they will know you have an ileostomy so it will never be a secret

Also one last thing op, don't feel embarrassed, ashamed or like you have done something wrong or like you have to apologize for having the ileostomy.....it is a part of you, you should.never be made to feel that way about part of your body by anybody, so style it out and act like.its no big deal, because it isn't...and of anyone thinks it is, then they don't deserve to be in your life

2pointfourmonkeys · 03/12/2019 07:51

A number of years ago I met a guy at a party. We had a great night chatting and dancing, really got on well.

We messaged each other loads over the next few weeks, but it was a little while before we managed to meet up one to one. We had a lovely evening and ended up back at his flat. It was only then that he told me that he had a urostomy.

I'd already had a bit to drink, and knew it shouldn't make a difference, so I, err, carried on regardless.

But the next day I couldn't shake the feeling he'd tricked me and taken away the chance for me to ask questions and maybe get used to the idea first. I really liked him but,what at the time felt like dishonesty, put me off him and things fizzled out.

So, my advice would be to tell him as soon as you can, and probably not face to face so he doesn't feel pressured while he gets used to the idea.

AttheMarket31974632 · 04/12/2019 17:23

Why don't you put your time, energy into moving out from living with your ex

Then you will have the freedom to date

Prioritization

Hortuslover · 04/12/2019 17:26

She has the freedom to date

SimonJT · 04/12/2019 17:29

I wouldn’t tell before hand, my boyfriend has arthrogryposis (same as Will from this years strictly), if I had googled it before we met I probably wouldn’t have met as what you find is fairly severe. But in reality it isn’t something I really notice a great deal.

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