To not take dvd to family event because of sil?

[mrschristmaself]

Husbands sister has long history of drug abuse, stealing (money, cars etc from family and non family) and just generally being a very erratic person (up one minute, aggressive the next, very in your face and hyper or very quiet and brooding). She isn't young, late 20s and still behaves like a child.

Since dd (3) was born we have only met up with her at family gatherings twice before going NC with her. Husband and I don't want her round our daughter and I'm currently heavily pregnant with our second child.

Sil is back and 'on the straight and narrow' again, which we have heard many many times before and Fil wants us all to join in with an annual family event this Christmas. Husband is contemplating us going as she's been back a while now but I've said I don't want to go and don't want to take dd either as she's at a very impressionable age and don't want her around Sil, not knowing what mood or state of mind she'll be in that day.

So, aibu to not want to go and not want to take dd?

I read that whole post waiting to hear what a dvd had to do with the situation!

I guess the OP autocorrected DD to DVD.

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat LOL me too!

FWIW, OP, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Bloody autocorrect 🙈🙄🙄
Yeah meant dd not dvd lol

What if this is the time that SIL has finally got on the straight and narrow?

You're not being unreasonable. But I would be inclined to give it one last attempt, if you get there and she hasn't changed then you can leave.

Has she been diagnosed with anything? Her mood swings sound as though they might indicate a mental illness.

Nope. Stay home. Drug users don't change. They just learn better ways to hide their addiction.

If she's been back on the straight and narrow for a year or two then YABU.

But if she's anything like my sister she only manages the "straight and narrow" for a few weeks at a time, so YANBU.

I'm n/c with my sister. My parents do keep trying to get us all together. I've told them when she's sorted and straight for 12 months solid only then will I be interested.

Yanbu, given that shes proved that she is untrustworthy she needs to earn that back. Yes she could be on the right path but she needs to prove that. It's not about her, not about when she decides that shes changed then everyone comes running.
How about they carry on this xmas and by next year if shes truly changed then your family joins them?
I wouldn't expose my DC around someone toxic on the off chance they've changed.

YANBU

@PanamaPattie but that's simply not true is it?

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat as was I!

Could your DH go without you and DD? Then he can see how his sister is doing and assess whether it would be suitable to try to meet up again? Nothing lost if she hasn't changed but if she has then you can decide from there.

I think it depends on the event can you leave easily. How long has she been on the straight and narrow. Year? Ok two weeks? Nope.

Depends on how long she has been on the straight and narrow and how long the journey is.

Not everyone who abuses drugs has mh issues @HollowTalk Mood swings can be the direct result of drug abuse depending on the drugs.

What’s the travel time/inconvenience/fall out if you have to take your leave? I would be tempted to pop in (if feasible) and either plan to leave after an hour or so or make it very clear that your family unit will not be staying if the behaviour is not appropriate.

I think your DH and then you both need to build the relationship back up and be sure of where things stand before bringing your DD into it.

How do you think she will upset your dd?

How far away is the event? Is it possible to leave after an hour or two?

I think Christmas is a terrible time to rekindle a relationship that has been NC. At most your DH could go take part on this occasion and get the lay of the land but really it's not going to be much of a joyful family event if you are edge about it so personally I would skip it.

Like someone above, I think it depends how long she has been drug and crime free? Two weeks, nah. Two years, maybe go.

Assuming it’s a short period of time, I wouldn’t be going and neither would my dvd.

Well said saucy99 !! . I fucking hate the word 'judgemental' because it's usually used when someone is simply expressing an opinion .. however PanamaPattie"s comment is so Judgemental as to be breathtaking..

So know drug addicts have ever got themselves clean ??? Take a trip to AA or NA any day of the week and meet a few people who have done EXACTLY that !

I have a BIL who is an alcoholic. He tries to stop. Sometimes it's for a week, sometimes it's a couple of months ... but we ALWAYS support because one day he might actually do it and our support will have made the difference .. so far he has been sober for 7 months and this might actually be it.. but it might not.. educate yourself on addiction PanamaPattie .. and get done humanity into your life !

I'm not sure what impression your sister in law can have on a 3 year old at a Christmas event. You don't want to see her. That's fine but don't blame it on the impressionable 3 year old. I doubt she'll be stealing cars after one visit.

This is also about you OP not your daughter...YOU don't want to see your SIL which is fine, however your DH has the equal right to make a decision about this. If he wants to go and wants to take your daughter then he should.. your 3 yr old won't be hot wiring a car following one visit !

Yes if you're going to come up with an excuse, don't use the 3-year-old. A teen I could understand why you would have reservations.