To not take dvd to family event because of sil?

[mrschristmaself]

Husbands sister has long history of drug abuse, stealing (money, cars etc from family and non family) and just generally being a very erratic person (up one minute, aggressive the next, very in your face and hyper or very quiet and brooding). She isn't young, late 20s and still behaves like a child.

Since dd (3) was born we have only met up with her at family gatherings twice before going NC with her. Husband and I don't want her round our daughter and I'm currently heavily pregnant with our second child.

Sil is back and 'on the straight and narrow' again, which we have heard many many times before and Fil wants us all to join in with an annual family event this Christmas. Husband is contemplating us going as she's been back a while now but I've said I don't want to go and don't want to take dd either as she's at a very impressionable age and don't want her around Sil, not knowing what mood or state of mind she'll be in that day.

So, aibu to not want to go and not want to take dd?

If she's been clean a few months and this is a familiar story (gets clean for a short time and then falls off the wagon) then I'd say don't go. If she's really kicked the habit then there's always next year.

What Scarletohara said.

@PanamaPattie well that’s not true is it? There are plenty of former addicts who are successfully clean. What a ridiculous and judgemental comment!

@mrschristmaself I would personally want to be sure that she was reformed before I took my children around her. I’d want to meet her alone first to make sure, I don’t think yabu.

As a nurse that has engaged with drug addicts - IME - they do not change or reform. They learn new skills.

Is that better?

You're not going to a family event because of one member's issues/illnesses? What do you think is going to happen?
If you don't want to go, then don't go. That's all it comes down to.

@PanamaPattie
What new skills would those be?

You are preventing your husband from having a full extended family life. If things were going badly with the SIL at the moment I might feel differently. But since she's doing okay, I think you should give his parents the benefit of the doubt, and allow them and him to enjoy being together.

I can't see how she can harm your three year old, and you being heavily pregnant is nothing to do with anything - unless you think SIL's influence can penetrate the womb.

I hate it when women act as the decision makers about whether their inlaws deserve to be visited. I hope your husband is man enough to stand up to you, because you're being unreasonable.

I thought she was at risk of stealing the DVD

@PanamaPattie as a social worker who worked with them and had them undertake drug tests in order to see if they were suitable to parent (over a sustained period I might add) I can tell you they do!
Also the array of reformed drug addicts out there fly in the face of your ludicrous assumptions..

PanamaPattie

Nope, that’s not better. Even worse, in fact.
As a nurse, you should know much better. Honestly your attitude is absolutely appalling.

What exactly is it y oh u think she will copy from her aunt at 3 years old?

What's the event? Is it just going to be the 5 of you watching a DVD (sorry had to use that as an example) or you your sil and lots of extended family where it will be more easy to avoid her

Also how long has she been on the "straight & narrow"?

If you are no contact this will probably be too big an event to start any contact. Perhaps your husband could meet up with her for coffee etc and gauge how she is doing himself. Even if she is doing well slowly building up contact will be better and less stressful for all of you.

LongWalkShortPlank Sun 01-Dec-19 17:40:45
You're not being unreasonable. But I would be inclined to give it one last attempt, if you get there and she hasn't changed then you can leave.
........
I think that too. It won't hurt to give it a go and I'm sure the parents would appreciate you putting in the effort. I hope it works out but if it doesn't you can watch your dvd at home ;-) , with your dd.

Your dd should not be requested to attend a charade imo..
Send dh.

At 3 I assume you and/or your husband will be supervising your daughter at all times. I don't know what you mean by her being"impressionable" at 3. Do you think her aunt is going to be filling her head with the thrills of robbing and drug taking?

As someone else said. It is very very clear that YOU don't want to go but see using the excuse of your daughter and honestly it's a very feeble excuse. If you don't want to go, fine. But your husband should be able to go see his family and bring his daughter.

I hate it when women act as the decision makers about whether their inlaws deserve to be visited. I hope your husband is man enough to stand up to you, because you're being unreasonable.

I hare it when people use sexist language like ‘man enough’.

*hate

Would all those posters telling the OP that a three year old wouldn’t be affected, really gave your child around someone who might be up one minute, aggressive the next, very in your face and hyper?

As a nurse that has engaged with drug addicts - IME - they do not change or reform. They learn new skills

Erm, surely that's because you never see the ones who have managed to kick their addiction and have gone on to live good lives.

To say that you cannot kick an addiction is frankly quite thick.

Of course people are in recovery for the rest of their lives, but a lot do manage it.

I read a thread before actually on here about a heroin addict who has been clean for years.

Are you saying she is a liar?

I wouldn't, Christmas is a very stressful time and it will be suffocating........ we're in a similar position as had to step back from a family member whose mental health problems made them abusive towards our dc. We're building up slowly with walks or meeting for coffee etc.

Thinking more about it, it also depends on the drug. I don't see those with a pot addiction, in the same way, I do as those on heroin.
Which is another reason why I think @PanamaPattie isn't a nurse at all and just spouting shite. As not all users are the same, even with the same addiction.
Same with not all alcoholics are the same.
If they were, all the same, we wouldn't have functioning addicts working alongside us.

I think you should try and go. Even if its just for a quick visit, its a show of support to your SIL.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily
This can be the reality when there's someone with mental health in the mix. Not saying the person has mh btw. Even with the diagnosis the behaviours cannot always be fully controlled.

I am very worried that Panama Pattie claims to be a nurse and yet doesn't believe people ever kick their addictions. She's clearly not doing her job right and that is very worrying for her patients sakes