To regret having a fourth child?

[LondonUnited]

I had DC4 in July. It was not an easy pregnancy or delivery, but worse, my life has gone to shit since then.

I am BFing him, and he wakes up every 2-3 hours, all night every night. Sometimes just to mix things up, he likes to be awake for several hours in the night - usually from 2am - 5am. Any attempt to return him to his cot results in shrieking and the risk of waking up his siblings, age 7, 5 and 2. We think he has CMPA, so cannot give formula - not that he would take a bottle anyway! He has reflux and his weight gain isn’t that amazing (dropping centiles) so I have the HV breathing down my neck about that.

During the day, he won’t be put down. If this is unavoidable he will just cry and cry and cry. I spend my whole life either sorting the toddler and other DC out with a soundtrack of crying, or doing everything one handed. My back is shot and I have a hernia, which my GP has now referred me to hospital for.

Most days I feel like I am dying of exhaustion. I weigh less now than I did as a teenager, due to constant breastfeeding and my own limited diet (limited because I have had to cut out dairy myself to breastfeed him).

DH desperately wanted a fourth child, but now he is here does absolutely zero, and I mean zero, to help either with him, or with house stuff - although he does work long hours and is hands on with the other DC.

Obviously now he is here I can’t send him back, but I spend a lot of time wondering why we had him. AIBU to feel like this? I do love him dearly, but everything is so very hard...

Kick your DH up the bum. He needs to be doing his fair share.

The rest will pass.

I feel you op, I have 4 but I’m a single parent. 4 is extremely hard, much harder than I expected (3 wasn’t that bad!) 4 is just a total nightmare. Mine are 8,7,5 and 2 so quite similar to yours.

I’ve been there. Couldn’t put 4th baby down.,
He’s 20 now & I’d give anything to do it all again.
It will get easier op. But for now. &

My first was similar to your number 4. It's amazing we ever had a second. Life is shit for you at the moment, im.not surprising you are having regrets.

Please see your Gp if you feel low in mood. Big talk with DH 're his lack of involvement. Hie should be helping out. Buy o help you can r.g. cleaner etc. Keep your chin.up, it will pass

Have you thought about silent reflux?

Dc3 had it along with CMPA.

It was truly hideous. Dh worked long hours so I was on my own a lot although thankfully the other DC were much older.

Pp is right, it does pass. He is fine now and outgrew the CMPA but it was such an awfully tough time. He cried so much and nothing I did helped (whereas previous dc cried if I put them down but were happy as Larry being carried in the sling for hours or just being held on me, even if cots and prams were the work of the devil!)

I’d speak to your GP and see what they say.

Sorry you’re finding it tough

Oh and I ended up co sleeping, with dc 2 and 3. They point blank refused to be put down in a cot or basket but being close did help and meant I got (slightly!) more sleep.

If cutting dairy out isn't helping then maybe it isn't that? Maybe try cutting out gluten instead? My youngest is gluten intolerant and was really hard work as a baby. I thought it was reflux. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Hang on in there, it will get easier.

I understand how you’re feeling. When I had my little boy, I really disliked him. I’d pull faces of disgust when he was next to me in the bed. I’d fantasise about throwing him out of the window. I’d have a tremendous urge to cause a car crash on his side of the car when driving. Of course, I now know that I was really struggling with postnatal depression. When you’re in the fog of it, it’s really hard to spot, or to know that it’ll get better. Things improved for me, albeit slowly and now he is my favourite little thing. He kisses me and it sends my heart all a flutter, something I’d never have imagined when he was only a baby.
and sympathy.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way OP. Please reach out to your GP and discuss about you're feeling. Also talk to your husband.

YANBU at all. I have 3 mo twins and they aren't breastfed, nor do they wake up from midnight til at least 4 or 5 (but mostly 6 o'clock) I can't imagine still not getting sleep after 4 months while taking care of them on my own while also having THREE more kids to take care of.

No no. Your exhaustion is understandable. It is OK to feel like you regret having a 4th. Time will pass and it will get easier and eventually the regret will fade and I'm sure life without him would be impossible to consider.

Make your husband step in. Potentially start solids (you can from 4 months) and he may sleep better.

And yes, please reach out to your GP & HV if you really feel you’re struggling.

You just have to remember that how your life is right now is not how it will be forever.

The older your baby gets the easier it gets and then you can start to enjoy the fun part of having 4 kids.

You just have to stick it out and have faith in that it will soon be worth it.

It was my third not 4th that screamed all the time (undiagnosed silent reflux) it was truly horrific.

You need to get your DH to share he load or if you have £ pay for help.

Oh no Op, hats off to you this sounds so hard. Is it really really not possible to give him a bottle? If you Crack that then you could (if i hi I can afford it) get a night nanny or someone to take him a bit during the day ?

If you suspect CMPA have you tried cutting out soy? CMPA and soy allergies often go hand in hand.

You don't have to breastfeed him even if he does have CMPA. Get your GP to do a referral to an allergy clinic. If an allergy is confirmed they can prescribe dairy free formula. They can also refer you to a dietician that can help ensure that you are both getting everything you need. At the very least you should be taking a calcium and vit D tablet as your baby will be getting their calcium from you. I can't remember off the top of my head how much calcium you need when breastfeeding with no dairy intake, but it's a lot

My second child was similar. We improved things by wrapping him firmly in a snuggle wrap sleepy thing for bedtime and nap times. Also used a wedge under his mattress to help with reflux. I “wore” him in a sling for much of the day so I could do jobs handsfree without putting him down. Electric musical swing was helpful when I was really desperate. Very best of luck xxx

Ah, thank you all for the kind comments. I am trying to hold onto the thought that it won’t always be like this. Am just terrified that in the meantime it is damaging my toddler who gets no attention at all, let alone the older ones.

He does have reflux and was prescribed ranitidine. Unfortunately that has been recalled so he can’t have it and is probably suffering

Have you tried any tummy meds like gaviscon or infacol? Sounds a lot like silent reflux to me. There are special formulas for reflux and for CMPA and other allergens, as well. I was advised to wean my reflux-y baby a bit early and that helped a lot.

I had a slightly similar situation. Reflux baby, dropped off the chart completely weight wise, loads of crying.

We were admitted to hospital and medication made everything better. I now give liquid losec every day and I have to say things drastically improved.

I was also advised not to constantly feed but wait every 2.5/3 hours. I can honestly say it's like we have a different baby. Go to your GP and get medication

If they have withdrawn the ranitidine (?) then can you ask your GP for something else like omeprozole?

Both of mine had silent reflux and it’s hard. Especially for DC2 who also had CMPA and couldn’t breast feed. We ended up mix feeding with a non dairy milk on prescription mixed with expressed BM. It was really hard but sorted itself out in the end. Hang in there OP

Single mum here with 7,5,3 and 8 month old. I love them to bits, obviously. But when my youngest came along it was an absolute nightmare. He’d never settle, so I wouldn’t sleep and then I’d be grumpy with the eldest DC. He is getting better now though. Have you tried cutting out gluten instead of dairy?

You need to go back to the GP, there are other medications that they can give for reflux, either omeprazole or esomeprazole should help if it is that. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job but it is relentless at the moment. I think your dh needs to step up a gear, even if it is just to have the baby for half an hour so you can have a bath or go out for a walk to have a small break. And please talk if you think you are having symptoms of pnd, it’s easy to dismiss it because you have a difficult baby, but it might make the world of difference if you have some treatment for it. Hang in there, one day it will get better but you just have to find ways to survive one day at a time at the moment x

Mine had the fisher price aeroplane door baby bouncer and she used to hang in it leaning over the hard plastic bit as that was comfy for a bit.

It did improve at 6 months, I went back to work 2 days per week. Even my amazing childminder found the screaming awful!

I completely hear where you’re coming from Op this could of been me after #3. It does get easier I promise. But also, please please be gentle to yourself. Kick Dh firmly up backside and accept help where you can as guilt free as possible. Self care is important.

Well, your husband has got some front hasn't he?

Why on earth was he so desperate for a fourth child? I just find that bizarre.

In any case, he needs to bloody well sort his priorities out. Did he pressure you into having this baby? I would be furious in your situation.