To regret having a fourth child?

[LondonUnited]

I had DC4 in July. It was not an easy pregnancy or delivery, but worse, my life has gone to shit since then.

I am BFing him, and he wakes up every 2-3 hours, all night every night. Sometimes just to mix things up, he likes to be awake for several hours in the night - usually from 2am - 5am. Any attempt to return him to his cot results in shrieking and the risk of waking up his siblings, age 7, 5 and 2. We think he has CMPA, so cannot give formula - not that he would take a bottle anyway! He has reflux and his weight gain isn’t that amazing (dropping centiles) so I have the HV breathing down my neck about that.

During the day, he won’t be put down. If this is unavoidable he will just cry and cry and cry. I spend my whole life either sorting the toddler and other DC out with a soundtrack of crying, or doing everything one handed. My back is shot and I have a hernia, which my GP has now referred me to hospital for.

Most days I feel like I am dying of exhaustion. I weigh less now than I did as a teenager, due to constant breastfeeding and my own limited diet (limited because I have had to cut out dairy myself to breastfeed him).

DH desperately wanted a fourth child, but now he is here does absolutely zero, and I mean zero, to help either with him, or with house stuff - although he does work long hours and is hands on with the other DC.

Obviously now he is here I can’t send him back, but I spend a lot of time wondering why we had him. AIBU to feel like this? I do love him dearly, but everything is so very hard...

Baby gaviscon?
Special milk ( boots have it, can’t remember the name)
Why not bottle feed, as I suggested above, to give yourself a break, and get some sleep ?
I see so many people, struggling with Bf and having no sleep. I’m not saying reflux, will go with formula, it will be the same, but you’ll get more rest in my opinion.
My fourth child, was the most awkward as a baby due to reflux, and being a poor sleeper, after no reflux and great sleepers.
But he’s worth it, and has been lovely
But do your self a favour and make life easier for your self, in any way you can.
No one cares in a few years, whether you bf or not. ( I don’t think really many people care about that now)
Make life easier for our self

Yanbu

I found my first baby incredibly difficult for all the usual difficult baby reasons. Had a second for some deluded hopeful reason thinking things would be different. The second baby was a more typical baby and woke only a couple of times a night and was much easier to settle, feed etc. But having to deal with this average baby and a difficult toddler was not easy.

So I would never ever even consider a third let alone a fourth.

And I secretly worry for my friends who go on to have a third or a fourth as you never know they might end up having a baby as difficult as my first and I couldn’t imagine parenting along with a bunch of other young dc.

It must be a surreal experience to have a few easy or average babies followed a difficult one.

I could not cope with 4 kids for a single day so I think you're doing an amazing job!

Just make sure you have contraception sorted (I'm sure you have already thought of that!)

In a short time you will look back on this and wonder how you got through it. But you will. In the meantime cut corners, bribe the older 2 with pocket money (10p a job) and make your partner do more to help. Even a 5 year old can strip a bed, dry dishes and tidy toys. Also, lower your standards.

Try a sling too! Close caboo is a great one to start with. My second baby lived in his sling and I could cuddle him whilst playing with the toddler, walking to pre school, doing chores etc. Very good for fussy babies who need to be kept upright and you have hands free. In fact he was still in it age 2 on my back for naps!

Get back on to hv and get the dr to prescribe special formula. I'd also get treatment for reflux and ask for advice on early weaning.

Why not bottle feed, as I suggested above, to give yourself a break, and get some sleep ?

Maybe because breastfeeding is important to her? Maybe because if she bottle fed she’d have to make the majority of bottles up, clean them, warm them up etc all by herself while her husband is at work or helping with the kids? Maybe because breastfeeding is the biological norm
For us mammals? Maybe because it’s actually quicker and easier in many ways? Maybe because it’s cheaper?

@LondonUnited you’re doing a fab job so far against the odds and this too shall pass. They won’t be teeny forever and it will get easier. Look up safe co sleeping guidelines and perhaps bed share? Look into alternative medication for the baby. Try to get your husband to make up some snacks ahead of time for you (if he does packed lunches for himself or the older child?) so
You prioritise your own nutrition and health too. You can’t run on empty. Oh and if you think it’s pnd please go to your GP.

@LondonUnited I am so sorry you are going through this. You mentioned in your post that your delivery was tough. Please think about a cranial osteopath. I had a shite labour and mine didn’t settle well, for lots of reasons but the cranial osteopath made a massive difference and she slept well and settled almost immediately. It’s worked for loads of people, and there’s no harm trying, just a thought. Sending virtual hugs 🤗

First off you are amazing, 4 is very full on and exhausting, even with a hugely supportive partner.

Wtf with his desperation for a forth and now he is nowhere to be seen.
That would upset me deeply!!

Of course you regret this decision and think wtf...you are human, while no doubt loving him to bits.

It's hard not to wish life was easier, when it's very hard.

Go easy on yourself.
All the best💐

Your husband sounds awful, what is the point of him? What were his reasons for being ‘desperate’ to produce yet another kid? He does fuck all, and I assume his ‘being great’ with the older kids mean he occasionally does the absolute bare minimum with them, which he could do when he has them 50% of the time once you’re stronger and raise your standards. Most people who have a kid are employed, him having a job and doing fuck all for the people he chose to create is truly vile.

Please make sure you're taking supplements for your own health. I had to cut out dairy and the dietician was adamant that I continue taking supplements (she said the pregnancy vitamins I already had would have everything necessary).

I am BFing him, and he wakes up every 2-3 hours, all night every night.

Completely normal.

My 1 year old wakes up more frequently for boob.

Can he sleep in the bed with you if he won't go down in the cot?

Dh needs a reality check.

Also please eat whilst bf. Even little snacks. Crackers. Rice. Pasta. Anything.

Also have you got a sling OP?

Definitely cut out soya and possibly egg
Try and get a dietitian appointment. Baby may not take the formula as it’s foul.

@Isadora2007
Maybe because bottle fed babies will potentially take their 6 ounces then sleep, unlike BF babies who take longer to get less milk from the breast and therefore need fed more often and through the night? Maybe because then the baby could be left in the care of its father/grandparents/auntie for a few hours while mum gets a sleep? Maybe because “biological norms” for mammals ceased to apply the same way to humans around the time we invented fire? Maybe because FF babies do perfectly well and there is no need to sacrifice mums sanity and health when there is another food source available

@youseethethingis All you’re doing is replacing one problem with another. It sounds like her DP wouldn’t help with the practicalities of FF so just another job for OP to do which may not solve the problem at all and actually could make it worse if she just switched to formula today. Why everyone is so quick to suggest formula when the BF may actually be something OP enjoys and is a useful parenting hack for keeping him quiet at times! If someone doesn’t want to do it then they shouldn’t but by baby #4 I think the OP probably knows she can stop if she wants!

OP I’m sorry things are so hard for you. I was apparently a nightmare baby and if I had been first (not second) my mum would have considered not having anymore! I didn’t sleep much and no amount of formula changed me or my reflux. So I’m told.

Can you adjust your sleeping space to be able to co-sleep safely? Do you think that might help? Can you try a sling so you can at least be hands free and baby may be a tad more settled? And will be upright too if reflux is an issue. Rantidine may not be an option but there are other meds, definitely worth seeing the GP and asking for something else. You’re doing a brilliant job!

@OrangeSlices If it means the baby is fed and gaining weight, and OP gets to sleep it’s worth considering. Clearly BF is not going well and nobody should be guilted into continuing at all costs. That’s all I’m saying.

No but again you’re assuming formula will solve all the problems, when actually it could make the reflex worse, it may remove something the OP uses to provide comfort, and it adds another job her DH isn’t doing. It’s not a magical cure. Formula fed babies can also have horrendous reflux and be shitty sleepers. I didn’t get the impression from the OP that the BF was the issue, but hey ho. Just disappointing people are always so quick to suggest women stop BF when it may not actually be the problem or what they’re seeking advice or reassurance around.

I said it could potentially solve problems. And the suggestion of introducing formula has been alongside many suggestions PPs have made. BF is clearly not the only issue OP has but if her baby is not thriving and she BF all hours of the day and night, it’s not an unreasonable theory that introducing formula could potentially help.
For what it’s worth, my DS took to BF like he’d been here before and I absolutely loved it. I’m not saying formula is better. I’m saying it could potentially help OP and her family and the suggestion shouldn’t be met with sarcasm.

OP my baby is on Ranitadine, only certain makes have been recalled. I've had no problem getting it.

Also, he might have allergies. He sounds like my middle son. I had to cut shed loads of things out of my diet and only then did the reflux begin to wain.

I am deeply confused as to why the OP's husband was desperate for this child even though he works long hours and has three children already, and now that the baby is here he is doing sod all to take care of him? I'm wondering if the OP's first three kids were girls, because that's the only plausible explanation I can think of for a father thinking this way. Whatever the reason, he needs a boot up the bum, seriously.

Ive been there and what helped me middle through was a connects sling ( you have a bad back but are holding him anyway , this actually helped my back issues), white noise , co sleeping and throwing out the husband

I think dad needs to help more with the baby and give you a break. Even if breastfeeding, he could still out him in a sling and for a long walk at weekends, at the very least.

This is why I have not have more DC. My Dh wanted more as well and went on about it. But he works a lot and I knew it would end up me with the baby and he going out with the older ones.

GP for you
Explore reflux for baby
Kick husband UP arse majorly

You have my full empathy- baby as well as 3 others is hard work. Reach out, ask for help, check for post natal depression, focus on your health too - you might need supplementary vitamins.

And most of all be kind to yourself, dont kick yourself and it will get better.

I had two babies exactly like yours. OH desperately wanted another one, I didn't, but somehow, broodiness took over and went ahead with the belief that number 2 couldn't be as hard, as everyone insisted on confirming.

Well he was, and I felt just like you did. That was that, no way would I ever have considered a 3rd one. It sounds like you had three good babies, so I can understand why you would have based having a 4th one on them. It must be quite a shock.

The good news is that it does get better and what I have found is that putting aside the 2yo tantrums, he turned out to be a very easy child and teenager compared to my friends' kids.

He ended up being an absolute mummy's boy, we are very close, and I can't imagine life without him. It will get easier, and don't blame your OH, he is probably has shattered as you. If he has a demanding job, long hours and commute, and then looking after the three other kids, it must be very hard on him too. You are both in a tough time of your life, but hold on, it will get easier. In the meantime, pursue all assistance from the healthcare professionals.