To regret having a fourth child?

[LondonUnited]

I had DC4 in July. It was not an easy pregnancy or delivery, but worse, my life has gone to shit since then.

I am BFing him, and he wakes up every 2-3 hours, all night every night. Sometimes just to mix things up, he likes to be awake for several hours in the night - usually from 2am - 5am. Any attempt to return him to his cot results in shrieking and the risk of waking up his siblings, age 7, 5 and 2. We think he has CMPA, so cannot give formula - not that he would take a bottle anyway! He has reflux and his weight gain isn’t that amazing (dropping centiles) so I have the HV breathing down my neck about that.

During the day, he won’t be put down. If this is unavoidable he will just cry and cry and cry. I spend my whole life either sorting the toddler and other DC out with a soundtrack of crying, or doing everything one handed. My back is shot and I have a hernia, which my GP has now referred me to hospital for.

Most days I feel like I am dying of exhaustion. I weigh less now than I did as a teenager, due to constant breastfeeding and my own limited diet (limited because I have had to cut out dairy myself to breastfeed him).

DH desperately wanted a fourth child, but now he is here does absolutely zero, and I mean zero, to help either with him, or with house stuff - although he does work long hours and is hands on with the other DC.

Obviously now he is here I can’t send him back, but I spend a lot of time wondering why we had him. AIBU to feel like this? I do love him dearly, but everything is so very hard...

Why on earth did you go along with your husband's silly wish for a 4th child when he is practically never at home? For goodness sake make sure you don't have a 5th

That sounds hard you poor thing but your Dh wanted this even more than you did he needs to step up

Was he better with the others when they were babies?

Clearly BF is not going well and nobody should be guilted into continuing at all costs.

No one should equally be pressurised into switching to formula to “make their life easier” when it may not even work out that way- no mention of grandparent support (they could help in other ways than feeding currently!) and she’d be making up bottles, cleaning them etc herself and buying tins of milk or needing prescriptions etc. Not all FF babies sleep well either and you can’t keep feeding them unlike a breastfed baby.
Anyway I’m not arguing about breast V bottle on here as that’s not helping OP.

DC2 was like this, also due to reflux caused by CMPA. Things that helped were:

-Putting her in a Jumperoo for short spells from 4 months, being upright was the only time she was happy and it gave my back a short rest

• Hitting the library so I had lots of books to read to DC1 while bfing DC2

-A good sling

• Cosleeping
• A good Facebook group to help me with my diet giving up dairy, one is 'Breastfeeding with CMPA and other food allergies' but there are others - there are actually loads of foods you can eat, the problem is just finding them

It does get better as they get older, but it's horrible at the time!

@Isadora2007
What I said was it could potentially help in several different ways and the suggestion shouldn’t be met with a lecture or sarcasm. Obviously everyone is different.

At no point have I said formula will help, nor have I said it’s a magical cure, nor have I said the OP should try it. I’m saying it’s a perfectly valid suggestion given the circumstances OP has described.

Several PP need to have a word with themselves about hijacking a thread posted by a desperate OP and turning it into yet another fucking infant feeding argument. None of you are going to convince the other side to change your mind and your arguments are not helpful to OP. I hope she will return to the thread but I wouldn't blame her if she didn't.

I don’t really have any advice that hasn’t already been suggested but just wanted to say that I have one baby - just one - who is the same age and sounds similar to yours (ie won’t be put down). And honestly, I think you are literally amazing for dealing with this with 3 other children. The thought of having a second brings me out in a cold sweat! So no, YANBU at all to feel the way you do.

My 2nd drove me to the edge. He was diagnosed with lactose intolerance even tho he was bf, it turned out I over produce naturally and have way too much high in lactose foremilk in my breastmilk. A paediatrician prescribed some medicine to help him with the cramps and lactose free formula. He turned into a different child at 7 months. Literally he couldn't be put down or poo by himself. It was miserable. In hindsight I would have gone to a specialist paediatric doctor sooner, switch off of bf and given myself a break and not feel so shit about myself. My cousins wife and whose had 3 kids took crying child from me said go sleep I got this. Was magical and my oh wasn't particularly useful

Only just realised there were more posts on this! A few things: I am probably not going to stop breastfeeding, as I fear it will be a nightmare with getting him to accept the amino acid formula he is likely to need. I have however booked a GP appointment on Thursday to discuss this and possible other allergies. He definitely has reflux, yesterday was a massive sickfest, and he is also super windy. He is currently thrashing and squirming in his cot, which is a sure sign the crying will begin soon...

I agree DH needs a bit of a kick up the backside with dealing with the baby but he is trying with the others. If I am honest he has never been that great with the baby stage but is probably a better parent than me from 2 years onwards.

Definitely no more children here. DH would have another but if he mentions it I just laugh in his face. I couldn’t be more done if I tried. He knows this.

I don’t think I have PND, I am just completely overwhelmed by how difficult everything is with the baby. I am massively comforted though by all the reassurance that this will pass. Thank you all!