To ask how I manage to eff it up every year?

[blinkandmissit]

A bit of a first world problem...

My birthday is just before Christmas, the worst time of year but that's how it is.

To compound the annual ball ache of combined Christmas & birthday presents childhood and no-one coming out early adulthood . The real reason I don't want to make any fuss about my birthday is that we experienced a shattering bereavement on the same day, this was some years ago but for me the day of my birth is also the day a part of me died.

Obviously my family know all of this but DD has always wanted to celebrate my birthday. It's a good thing but I don't think she grasps what grieving really means. DD thinks I'm unappreciative of her efforts on my birthday.

DD started her first job this year, we both work for the same huge employer but in different departments, few people at work know of both of us. As it's her first year with money of her own DD is doubly excited about buying me birthday and Christmas gifts.

As a company we have a big charity raffle a few times a year, neither of us won the pre Christmas raffle today. This evening we've been messaging to commiserate the fact that we didn't win.
I said: ah well, x prize was rubbish anyway, it wouldn't be suitable, I'm glad I didn't win it.
DD said: oh no Mum, not again, I don't f**ing believe you. I've bought you that it's a very expensive item but we get a big staff discount

AIBU to think I screw up my birthday every year but I wish that people would hear me when I say that I really don't want to celebrate it at all?

I'm not meaning to be ungrateful.

I'd choose for my day to be one of quiet contemplation rather than a celebration whereby I have to pretend to be happy.

Just tell your daughter that you were only saying that because you were miffed that you didn't win it! And although your birthday is also the day that you lost someone dear, its also the day that your daughters mother was born! And that alone is worth celebrating

I would move your birthday to the summer. My sister has done this. We let her actual birthday pass without comment and celebrate with her on Midsummer. (A similar tragic bereavement occurred on her birthday in her thirties, she's now mid fifties and it really works well)

You can put it in terms of you're sick of having to squeeze your birthday into the minute slice of time available and go all out, throw a summer birthday party and set a new tradition in motion.

I'm sorry your birthday is marred by a previous bereavement. However, I think there's a big difference between not wanting to celebrate and accepting a birthday/Christmas gift from your DD who's excited to be able to buy you a present out of her wages. I think this was more a case of foot in mouth.

Does your daughter think you just don’t want a fuss or have you actually explained your feelings? If you have explained how you feel and she is ignoring your wishes and feelings then I would be asking her why she thinks her needs/wants over your birthday are more important than yours.

If it was some years ago its time to move on and reclaim that day as a happy one

I think you need to figure out how to move on. Life is for living.

Of course she won't really understand grief f she has not experienced it directly. However I don't think remembering our losses has to be incompatible with living our lives. Your dd clearly loves you and wants to celebrate her mum's birthday. If that will never be possible the idea of picking a new date seems a good one.

I would move your birthday to the summer.

Bloody brilliant idea. 👍👍

You sound a ‘glass half empty person’. It sounds like you didn’t enjoy a December birthday even as a youngster and now use a bereavement to ingrain this attitude further.
Would the list loved one want you to wallow in misery at your loss or tell you to grab life by the balls and enjoy it?
Your DD must feel so sad that you can’t celebrate/share pleasure in your birthday with her.
Incidentally my DD has a birthday a few days before Christmas and loves it... as she says, everyone is looking for a party.
Failing you changing your outlook, go for a 6 month celebration as others have suggested. Please don’t waste your one precious life.

I agree with moving your birthday, great idea. Your family will understand and then maybe you and your daughter can celebrate together.

My birthday is just before Christmas and I love it. Would not change it and pity the poor sods who have birthdays at more boring times of year.

I guess she's very young so it's somewhat understandable, but your dd sounds pretty self absorbed.

You don't want to go all-out for your birthday but she does = you have to suck it up.

You inadvertently let her know that the gift she bought you was a poor choice, but instead of changing it without mentioning anything it's all your fault again.

She sounds exhausting. Maybe her dad could have a word about how sometimes what we think is a nice thing is actually not what the person wants, and that the best gift you can give someone us actually listening to them.

Sleepy head that is a brilliant post.

Move your birthday - it's that simple. When my son was botnrn on the 19th Dec, I immediately moved it to 19th November. He is 30 now and still celebrated in November. If you did that you'd avoid all those things which bother you about a Christmas birthday, and you'd also avoid the clash with the bereavement. Simples.

botnrn = born

Agree with move your birthday. Although I would also maybe get some counselling about the loss as well as it’s clearly affecting you a great deal.

My sister arranged her wedding on the same date my mother died and tbh it has been lovely having something to celebrate that day rather than constantly reliving what happened.

Peakypolly have you really just accused someone of using a bereavement to bolster their 'glass half empty' attitude'? I hope that was just ill thought out phraseology, rather than a genuine accusation on your part, as otherwise it's incredibly crass and insensitive. Surely it is far more likely that the OP is genuinely upset at the death of a loved one and isn't 'using' it for anything.

I would like to gently suggest you find someone to talk to about how you got overlooked as a child on your birthday, and also the effect of the tragic bereavement on you.

Are you an easy person to have around at Christmas?

Are you an easy person to have around at Christmas? Mathanxiety - you said you wanted to ‘gently suggest’ but, unless I’m reading it wrong, this last line doesn’t sound very gentle.

Oh bless you. I'm a new year's eve baby! I didn't grow up having joint Christmas/birthday gifts but once I stopped being a 'child', a lot of people forgot. I can't say it bothered me overly much because grown up people often forget birthdays - even if they are in April.

My mother's husband died on my birthday. Say no more.

As others have suggested you could move your birthday or at least the celebrations for your birthday but I wouldn't do it too much earlier or later. Beginning of December or end of January would be fine.

You must humour your daughter regarding your birthday, it's lovely that she wants you to celebrate, you have plenty of other times to spend in quiet contemplation but even so, a birthday celebration doesn't have to be a huge affair, it could just be a meal out with close family and friends (plus cake).

Please be careful what you say on social media, it often comes back to haunt you.

Very best wishes to you.

My son's birthday is in the summer holidays and always celebrates with school friends in September.

I'd just move the date.

once it becomes a habit, that will be fine.

Have you had counselling in relation to the death which has had such a profound affect on you? I know counselling is not for everyone but it may help.

www.cruse.org.uk/

in terms of the gift you could either suggest your dd changes it, if that is possible, or brave it out and just say you were only joking because you didn't win it.

Your daughter sounds like she really wants to treat you and make yuour birthday special, I think it would be very good, I think, if you could find a way to let her do that but for you to cope well too.

thanks

Reiterate the others who say move it. I have a similar birthday and this year I celebrated in mid November with my friends instead. It was brilliant. I enjoyed it properly for the first time ever. No one was going to a Christmas works do instead, no one gave me Christmas cards instead of birthday cards, the Christmas tree wasn't up. It just felt properly birthdayish. For the first time ever I got to feel what other people get whose birthdays aren't caught up in the whole Christmas thing.

Once you move it away from a day you associate with a bereavement and away from Christmas you might find it feels very different.

My friend is born on Xmas eve and celebrates her half birthday instead. Most people now just see it as her birthday and it’s a nice time of year too. Inherently more cheerful in the summer!