To ask how I manage to eff it up every year?

[blinkandmissit]

A bit of a first world problem...

My birthday is just before Christmas, the worst time of year but that's how it is.

To compound the annual ball ache of combined Christmas & birthday presents childhood and no-one coming out early adulthood . The real reason I don't want to make any fuss about my birthday is that we experienced a shattering bereavement on the same day, this was some years ago but for me the day of my birth is also the day a part of me died.

Obviously my family know all of this but DD has always wanted to celebrate my birthday. It's a good thing but I don't think she grasps what grieving really means. DD thinks I'm unappreciative of her efforts on my birthday.

DD started her first job this year, we both work for the same huge employer but in different departments, few people at work know of both of us. As it's her first year with money of her own DD is doubly excited about buying me birthday and Christmas gifts.

As a company we have a big charity raffle a few times a year, neither of us won the pre Christmas raffle today. This evening we've been messaging to commiserate the fact that we didn't win.
I said: ah well, x prize was rubbish anyway, it wouldn't be suitable, I'm glad I didn't win it.
DD said: oh no Mum, not again, I don't f**ing believe you. I've bought you that it's a very expensive item but we get a big staff discount

AIBU to think I screw up my birthday every year but I wish that people would hear me when I say that I really don't want to celebrate it at all?

I'm another one who thinks you might benefit from some sort of talking therapy. This bereavement was clearly a very long time ago if it happened before your adult DD was born, but it is still affecting you every anniversary, to quite a large extent.
I don't think you're wallowing in misery, as such, or you wouldn't have posted this thread. I think you maybe want to let go of the idea that birthdays, Christmas and celebrations are hellish, or at least to stop your dislike of them from spoiling other people's enjoyment, but you can't see how to do so.

I can see what you are getting at there, Penelope - it wasn't my intention.

Have you ever explained exactly why to your daughter that you don’t Want to celebrate? Like the nitty gritty?

Maybe she needs help understanding.

It sounds like she’s trying to cheer you up. If you want to do nothing, you need to be clear

If your daughter had suffered a similar bereavement, would you say "Oh that's understandable, we won't celebrate your birthday again. I have no need to do that." ?

A friend of mine moved her birthday- her Dad died on her 21st so ever since has celebrated her half birthday instead, 6 months later than the original. Only people that need her real DOB know it-everyone else only know the new date. She’s been doing this for 30+ years now.

You didn’t know she got you that! If I was her I wouldn’t have said anything and just returned it. I know your daughter has good intentions but she’s making you feel awful when you don’t deserve to.

Move your birthday vote Your daughter, understandably, sounds very frustrated with your behaviour , is she aware of the reason .
Live

Pick a different day and have an annual party.

Did you have counselling at the time of the bereavement?

I agree with pp that you need to speak to some one about the bereavement and how your birthday has always been brushed over and how this has made you feel.

You are accepting of the reasons that your birthday has always been quiet, but you can still be upset or disappointed.

Your dd likely understands that day is hard for you and so makes a big effort to try and make you happy, even if for just part of the day.

Do you feel guilty celebrating your birthday because it is the anniversary of the bereavement? If so, you need to be easy on yourself. If you want a quiet day of contemplating on your birthday, you could set aside an hour/few hours of the day to do that but still have the rest of the day as your birthday with your dd etc.

aw that must be very hard for you OP, but as PP said your DD wants to celebrate the day her mother was born and that sounds lovely.

Have you really given her a good heartfelt explanation of why you feel like this?

Worst case scenario: you upset her. But she's clearly upsetting you so you'll either have to suck it up (the gift) or suck it up (her being upset at you rejecting her attempts to celebrate your birthday)

Your daughter bought you a gift for your birthday - how is that wrong? Or are you saying that you LITERALLY want your birthday forgotten and not mentioned in any way at all?

The birthday tradition is really about remembering to celebrate our friends' and families' existence and make everyone feel special at least once a year.

I'd say move on too - both my parents died in June, since I've always hated June and anything minor happens i blame June a but it's not June it's just a coincidence - so I've started trying to enjoy June a bit more now and yes I miss my parents but it's fine to as they were my parents

Move on and enjoy your time with your dd- she'll grow up thinking mum was a nightmare on her birthday so just try and embrace it and enjoy the living!

Ref the present as others said just say you were miffed so tried to put it to mine side by saying you didn't want it but you do and you'll love that gift - perhaps share with her if it's doable (trip or whatever!?) and start enjoying those people around you who love you
Good luck

Have you gone into detail with your DD about why you can't be happy on that particular day and so celebrating a birthday is just not a possibility? Your DD maybe hasn't experienced a bereavement of that significance so might struggle to understand. You can move the date to celebrate also

My friends baby daughter just a few weeks old died on my birthday. Before that a good friend was killed in Iraq on my birthday on a tour of duty. I still celebrate it. They wouldn't want my birthday to be a day of sadness.

It sounds like you haven't dealt with the loss. People die every single day but life doesn't stop.

Yes I will always remember that those 2 lost their lives on the same day I gained mine but I would be doing a disservice to their memory if I didn't celebrate my life while I still have it simply because they lost theirs on the same day years later.

My Dad died on the exact date my DD was born . However we have reclaimed the day ,and know my Dad would have wanted us to be happy .I think the same for your relative too .Have you had Counselling at all ? I agree with Italian Greyhound , Cruse is a wonderful organisation ,and you can see them at any time even if this event was a long time ago.

He died some years before ,just to clarify

I have a new year birthday and it's rubbish, combined presents when younger, no going out on the raz as a teenager as all done NYE, no cards through the post, no money as an adult no meal out as restaurants empty or shut - but can you explain to your daughter that it's your day, why you don't want a fuss and except her gift to you will good grace

I’m a just before Christmas child too.

I also have a summer celebration as with OP joint bloody presents, everyone at Christmas dos and it’s bloody cold and wet and my hair gets wrecked.

So summer it is. Usually in the garden with a bbq and some tunes on.

Good times.

Both of my parents died on my birthday, just after Christmas, different years when I was an adult. And yes for a few years Christmas and my Birthday were very difficult for me and still can be. But why do you have to pretend to be happy? Are you no longer happy, have you had bereavement counselling?

I like my Birthday to be a day of reflection, but I don't have to pretend, of course there is sadness and painful memories and at some point in my day I know I will find myself in tears but that does not define my whole day. I want to give some of that time to my children who do want to celebrate. (though we may also offer each other some comfort too)

As a pp said I reclaimed the day, I don't want my Birthday to be overshadowed every year, although it is different now. Why would you not want to be part of your DD excitement at spoiling you for the very first time that she is able? Our own misery can suck the joy out of others and our DC's can grieve for a part of us while we are living, if we don't let them in.

I also understand what a pp said about our birthdays always being overlooked as a child (always in the school holidays so no celebration or acknowledgement there) and as an adult everyone is all partied out, no money left and starting diets. And I also felt pretty pissed off that on top of that both parents had to die then too. That may sound a bit shallow, I loved my parents deeply, but it's actually how I felt, .

No one remembers so I always receive re gifted unwanted presents or Boots smellies at 75% discount and no one ever wanted to celebrate. I tried moving my birthday to summer but it just felt too contrived. Although I do usually receive birthday presents from DH and DC's that I can buy or use in spring / summer time.

Have a day of contemplation, plan your quiet time but make a little time for your DD, appreciate her efforts. Talk to her. One day she will understand grief a whole lot better, don't wish that on her anytime soon.

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING.

I know this is AIBU so I should have expected some stick. So I'm not meaning to make this a massive drip feed but it was our son we lost. In my OP I tried to intimate the significance of the death, it was entirely sudden. We were so, so happy planning his first Christmas, the tree was up, arrangements had been made. And then it happened. I was only just pregnant with DD at the time.

Since his passing I have been 'living my life', I'm ok to be around at Christmas - nothing makes you appreciate the family you have more than losing someone like that. It's the one day a year that is unavoidably...shit.

My first DH had a breakdown and our marriage didn't survive.

I've done my best to cushion DD from it all - and a bloody good job of it too, probably too good.

The childhood birthdays and the double presents wouldn't matter at all if there wasn't this. I'm not that fussed about that, I used it to explain that my birthday has never been great.

DH2 is excellent, most years we go away,

posted too soon.

Meant to say DH2 is great, we go away most years including this one.

Just say you were gutted you didn't win and that's why you said it.

As for your birthday, move it, I did last year, my birthday is very early January which has the same issues you experience but I also lost a baby (late miscarriage) on my birthday and I just find it difficult. S9 last year we did a half birthday, my husband totally surprised me it was lovely.

So doing the same again this year. Looking forward to my birthday passing with little attention.

Sorry, my post crossed with your update, I wasn't try to compare my miscarriage to the loss of you son. So sorry for your loss.

I completely get where you are coming from.

My birthday is next week, and is a pretty big birthday. It's also a year to the day my mother passed away. I don't want to celebrate it in any shape or form. However, my husband and friends have different ideas.

It's nice that your daughter wants to acknowledge your birthday. I would maybe try what other posters have said, and celebrate it on a different day.