To ask how I manage to eff it up every year?

[blinkandmissit]

A bit of a first world problem...

My birthday is just before Christmas, the worst time of year but that's how it is.

To compound the annual ball ache of combined Christmas & birthday presents childhood and no-one coming out early adulthood . The real reason I don't want to make any fuss about my birthday is that we experienced a shattering bereavement on the same day, this was some years ago but for me the day of my birth is also the day a part of me died.

Obviously my family know all of this but DD has always wanted to celebrate my birthday. It's a good thing but I don't think she grasps what grieving really means. DD thinks I'm unappreciative of her efforts on my birthday.

DD started her first job this year, we both work for the same huge employer but in different departments, few people at work know of both of us. As it's her first year with money of her own DD is doubly excited about buying me birthday and Christmas gifts.

As a company we have a big charity raffle a few times a year, neither of us won the pre Christmas raffle today. This evening we've been messaging to commiserate the fact that we didn't win.
I said: ah well, x prize was rubbish anyway, it wouldn't be suitable, I'm glad I didn't win it.
DD said: oh no Mum, not again, I don't f**ing believe you. I've bought you that it's a very expensive item but we get a big staff discount

AIBU to think I screw up my birthday every year but I wish that people would hear me when I say that I really don't want to celebrate it at all?

Do you have a traditional name from the Judeo-Christian tradition?

If so celebrate your name day if you want to give your DD the chance to celebrate you without the associations you have with your birthday:

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Name_day

You weren't know she had purchased that same thing, are you meant to go through life saying you love everything in case someone has bought it for you! I love the suggestion of moving your birthday to a different date. Run it by your daughter, ill sure she'll love the idea.

I think If your daughter is old enough to be working, she’s old enough to be told the significance of the date and to understand and respect that. I’m sorry for your loss - I totally get why it’s not a celebratory time for you.

Re the gift - I’d go with others and say you were making light because you didn’t win.

I'm sorry for your loss @Someonesayroadtrip and @changedmyname2019. Grief is grief, awful on any day.

Based on your update, my guess would be that there may be more to it for your DD than simply being selfish and wanting to bulldoze ahead with celebrating your birthday irrespective of how you feel about it.

Do you think it is possible that she struggles with the guilt of being the "surviving" child when her brother died, maybe even anger at the feeling that she herself was not "enough" to make mum magically completely happy again? Not rational, but these feelings usually aren't. Maybe on some level she is angry that you are still grieving, and was angry as a child that mum was still grieving when she was growing up.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

💐 From a fellow pre-Xmas birthday sufferer. Unfortunately kids don’t understand grief until it happens to them and your DD probably thinks that she can jolly you out of it, but anniversaries are excruciatingly painful for some people and it’s probably time you were completely frank with her about it.

Aw I really feel for you. I'm always sticking my foot in with things like that too!

I think your daughter is young and naive so can't appreciate your sadness fully. But she's old enough to be told. I would sit her down and explain that your little boy's death is something that is still very painful. That if she can imagine how devastated you would be if something happened to her, that that's how you still feel. Losing a child is like no other bereavement. With all others (usually) your grief eventually gets smaller but with a child it is always that big but your life grows around it and just masks it better. When it's brought to the fore it's just as painful as it was all them years ago.

That's not something you get over op. You haven't done anything wrong. I personally don't think talking therapy works for all people.

I go away on the anniversary of my brother's death. I will never get over it, nor do I want to.

Don't know what my point is other than I don't think you need 'fixed' so that others can feel good about your birthday. Fuck that.

Getting over something does not mean forgetting it but finding ways to cope with the pain. I think it's understandable that your dd wants to celebrate her mum's birthday (and as an adult now she probably hears others talking about all the nice things they do with/for their mums) so if you can't celebrate then because of the horrendous memories then choosing another date would be kind. You might not want the fuss but your dd wants to fuss over you.

blinkandmissit thank you for your update and I am so sorry that your birthday is always going to be linked with that terrible loss.

Maybe it is necessary to explain to your daughter why you are not able to celebrate that day, I am sure she knows why but doesn't really understand.

All she really needs to know is that it's your birthday and you want to do things (or not do them) a certain way.

Much like one's wedding day (only more so) you are the person who makes the decisions.

If I were to pick a different date I would go for my Saint's day (my name has a saint!) or maybe if your name or middle name is a month of the year you could have it then.

Or simply a month early or a month late, or 6 months ahead of the actual day. 'A half birthday' does have some significance to me. In our house I try to do something tiny but significant for birth children on the half birthday (6 months before/after the birthday).

Or pick your favourite flower, these are also associated with dates.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birth_flower

For example, April is Sweet Pea, which stands for 'Love, youth, purity.' So if you are the 5th of a month you could celebrate on 5th April.

Bless you, you said 'First word problem' in your opening post but this loss is a universal 'problem' and you need to be treated kindly by those around you on a day when you should be able to expect kindly treatment.

changedmyname2019

"My birthday is next week, and is a pretty big birthday. It's also a year to the day my mother passed away. I don't want to celebrate it in any shape or form. However, my husband and friends have different ideas."

I hope you can speak to your dh and make sure he chooses a different date to celebrate your birthday. I lost my dad 15 years ago and my mum three years ago and it does get easier. But your birthday celebration should be your way.

I do think you have to focus on the positives in life, however.

My grandmother died on Christmas Day - and I also tragically had a miscarriage on that date (Not the same Christmas Day, several years apart).

My family love Christmas, particularly the DC and I have always made a conscious decision that I was not going to ruin the day drooping around being tragic and bereaved.

I'm no sadder on Christmas Day than I am at any other time to have lost a much wanted baby. Yes, it's an anniversary - but not one I want to focus on.

I agree with PP saying celebrate the positives.

As it's your daughter you could suggest that she makes Mother's Day doubly special for you.

Someonesayroadtrip I am sorry for your loss.

I am nodding at LaDameAuxLicornes' post -
Do you think it is possible that she struggles with the guilt of being the "surviving" child when her brother died, maybe even anger at the feeling that she herself was not "enough" to make mum magically completely happy again? Not rational, but these feelings usually aren't. Maybe on some level she is angry that you are still grieving, and was angry as a child that mum was still grieving when she was growing up

Angry on some level and also bewildered. Her feelings might not be at all clear to her but her instinctive response may be strongly motivated all the same.

A child can feel vulnerable and unsafe when she realises that the ultimate reality of death, over which no-one, not even her parents, on whom she depends for everything, has touched her own family. It doesn't necessarily always apply, but for the parents, suffering through grief can have an effect on the emotional resources you have available to you to bestow on other children.

(Again gently) I feel it might be a good idea to explore the role of guilt in your own life from the time of your loss. Guilt and grief are often tangled up together in ways that can hobble us.

Talk therapy or any other form of therapy surrounding grief and its close associate, guilt, isn't meant to fix you. It isn't meant to erase the memory of the one you loved and lost either, or prevent you from loving them intensely. The hope would be to eliminate the quotation marks from 'living my life' while still staying true to the love you feel for the life that ended too soon. It's a very delicate balance, a very fine line to tread.

...over which no-one has any control, not even her parents

I'd also sit her down and explain, and pick a new date. If she's old enough to work, then she's old enough to understand.

There is a big difference from being upset over Christmas and being upset on your birthday, Christmas is a celebration for all and your birthday is your day to celebrate or not as you choose, IMHO.