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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why would he be doing this?

89 replies

FiftyFiftySplit · 29/11/2019 07:37

I do an evening shift one day a week, someone comes in to take over from me at 8:30, I’ll call him Jack.

I’ve done this role for about 2 years, Jack started a couple of weeks earlier than me so have worked together the whole time I’ve been there. Jack gets the bus in, because of bus times he gets in at 7:45 so we would chat for a bit before it was time for me to leave.

It’s always been this way, up until about 6 weeks ago. He started coming in later and later, I made a bit of a joke about it after a couple of weeks saying was he avoiding me coming in later. He said no, that he was having a couple of cigarettes before coming in so was a bit later. It kept happening, he was coming in at 8:15 most weeks so i asked him more seriously if I’d done anything to upset him, he said no, that he didn’t realise what day it was until he saw me sat there when he came in. Bullshit excuse but I thought ok, let it go.

Now the last couple of weeks he’s coming in at as near to 8:30 as he can get. Said he got a taxi in last night so he could leave later. He never gets a taxi in so it’s not something he just does sometimes.

I’m not being unreasonable thinking it must be something to do with me? Otherwise it’s a massive coincidence that the one time he gets a taxi in just happens to be the day he knows I’m in? I can’t ask him again because I feel like I’m just being paranoid but I can’t think of another reason why it would suddenly change after near enough 2 years of it always being the same routine.

OP posts:

chocorabbit · 29/11/2019 13:36

You keep mentioning that you know his bus's arrival time and keep arguing about that. Who cares? Still, he doesn't have to spend time with you. Many people are private and it takes some more time to realise they should have held back in the beginning an theyd pull out later. Or he might have thought that you fancied him, regardless of whether this is true or not. It can happen.

Delbelleber · 29/11/2019 14:06

Maybe he thinks you fancy him and he needs some space as a way of saying he is not interested without making an awkward situation at work. If it is indeed related to you, otherwise it could be anything!

Hotseat · 29/11/2019 14:19

It's 6 days.FFS get a grip.

messolini9 · 29/11/2019 14:22

I’m not being unreasonable thinking it must be something to do with me?

In the gentlest way OP - YABU.
Other people's work times, & motivations for arriving early or late, are nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for what time he chooses to arrive at work.

I made a bit of a joke about it after a couple of weeks saying was he avoiding me coming in later. He said no, that he was having a couple of cigarettes before coming in so was a bit later. It kept happening, he was coming in at 8:15 most weeks so i asked him more seriously if I’d done anything to upset him

Apart from weirding him out by appearing to police his arrival time & questioning him about it as if it were any of your business, you mean?

Are you holding a bit of a torch for the guy OP, & are now disappointed that you no longer get to spend time chatting with him?

Worsethingshappen · 29/11/2019 20:57

Don’t understand why people are giving you such a hard time OP - like teenage school girls trying to belittle you by minimising your concerns. Of course something’s up with your relationship - things have obviously changed and yes it’s odd, considering the pattern before. Yes, something might have happened in his own life but given the details you have shared I think it is most likely that he fancied you and now either has another interest elsewhere or have given up as you don’t feel the same. Why do other women find it so hard to admit that?!

Original poster

FiftyFiftySplit · 29/11/2019 21:17

I don’t understand it either Worsethingshappen.

I think if I’d put it was a female friend or just a friend who wasn’t also a work college I wouldn’t have got the same responses. I’m sure a lot of people would be upset about a friend starting to distance themselves without knowing why.

OP posts:

Penguin34 · 29/11/2019 22:25

I think he fancies you but now he's with someone new

Penguin34 · 29/11/2019 22:25

*fancied

messolini9 · 29/11/2019 22:26

Don’t understand why people are giving you such a hard time OP - like teenage school girls trying to belittle you by minimising your concerns. Of course something’s up with your relationship

Wot relationship?
They have never met outside of work.

Worsethingshappen · 29/11/2019 23:17

It’s still a form of relationship. The OP hasn’t claimed they are deep and meaningful or anything. There are lots of types of relationships we have with others from polite and formal to deep and intimate.

Ohnoherewego62 · 29/11/2019 23:31

Maybe hes been getting taxis due to the cold weather.

How often was the contact outside work before it stopped?

Is there a small chance there was some flirtation happening and ones backed off?

Try not and overthink it anymore.

Original poster

FiftyFiftySplit · 29/11/2019 23:50

@messolini9 how do you know if we’ve met up outside of work or not? Don’t think I said that anywhere and actually we have.

Like I’ve said from the start we were friends, has no one ever made a friend in work before? Or should he not be a friend because he’s male and I’m female?

I’m not asking anyone to dissect what kind of relationship we had. I know what it was like and what it’s like now. What I don’t understand is why he won’t tell me what it is.

I haven’t questioned him about what he’s doing instead of coming in at the time he always has done before like a lot of people seem to think. I’ve asked once if I’d done anything because it seems like the most rational explanation for the sudden change. Surely if it was something as simple as he’d got a girlfriend, as a friend he would tell me that?

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 30/11/2019 03:49

@FiftyFiftySplit have you recently got a new partner yourself? Could he be jealous?

He might have a crazy new girlfriend who gets jealous easily.

How do you know he only comes in later now on the days you're there?

messolini9 · 30/11/2019 09:50

how do you know if we’ve met up outside of work or not? Don’t think I said that anywhere and actually we have

Didn't pp ask that, somewhere upthread? - & iirc, you responded that you'd liked a couple of each others facebook posts? - which gave the impression that you hadn't met up.

I’ve asked once if I’d done anything because it seems like the most rational explanation for the sudden change.
You're being too hard on yourself.
There are dozens of reasons for him to have changed his routine. So it's not rational to believe that you have caused it, & certainly not "the most likely" reason.

Have a good weekend OP.

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