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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why would he be doing this?

89 replies

FiftyFiftySplit · 29/11/2019 07:37

I do an evening shift one day a week, someone comes in to take over from me at 8:30, I’ll call him Jack.

I’ve done this role for about 2 years, Jack started a couple of weeks earlier than me so have worked together the whole time I’ve been there. Jack gets the bus in, because of bus times he gets in at 7:45 so we would chat for a bit before it was time for me to leave.

It’s always been this way, up until about 6 weeks ago. He started coming in later and later, I made a bit of a joke about it after a couple of weeks saying was he avoiding me coming in later. He said no, that he was having a couple of cigarettes before coming in so was a bit later. It kept happening, he was coming in at 8:15 most weeks so i asked him more seriously if I’d done anything to upset him, he said no, that he didn’t realise what day it was until he saw me sat there when he came in. Bullshit excuse but I thought ok, let it go.

Now the last couple of weeks he’s coming in at as near to 8:30 as he can get. Said he got a taxi in last night so he could leave later. He never gets a taxi in so it’s not something he just does sometimes.

I’m not being unreasonable thinking it must be something to do with me? Otherwise it’s a massive coincidence that the one time he gets a taxi in just happens to be the day he knows I’m in? I can’t ask him again because I feel like I’m just being paranoid but I can’t think of another reason why it would suddenly change after near enough 2 years of it always being the same routine.

OP posts:

Obligatorync · 29/11/2019 08:39

It wouldn't occur to me to wonder this about any of my colleagues, even the ones I'm friends with.
It seems very normal to me not to want to be in work ages before your start time with nothing to do.
I can think of 100 possible reasons.

Bluerussian · 29/11/2019 08:41

Just let it go, 5050, it's hardly important surely? Anyway his business if he doesn't want to come in early any more. You see to your life and leave him to his. However I doubt there is anything really notable in his change of habit. You're coming across as though you fancy him and I'm sure you don't want him to think that. Be normally friendly when he does arrive and look as though you're glad to get your coat on and go home.

Isadora2007 · 29/11/2019 08:42

What job are you (not) doing that allows you to chat for 45mins?

Damntheman · 29/11/2019 08:45

Isadora my job (archive work) has enforced 30/45 minute 'coffee breaks' twice a day which are called 'meetings' but are actually social time. If one doesn't go one gets hounded "aren't you coming?". I kind of hate it but there it is, it's more than possible for there to be many jobs where one can chat for 45 minutes and nobody would blink an eye! Particularly if you can do your job while chatting. I would assume if someone is taking over at 8.30 and there's time to chat that OP is doing some kind of security work.

AngusThermopyle · 29/11/2019 08:48

He doesn't actually start work until 8.30 though. Maybe he's having his smoke outside with someone he likes. Maybe with the shit cold weather he's leaving later. Who knows. But whatever the reason, it's absolutely none of your business.

MakeItRain · 29/11/2019 08:51

Maybe his bus has arrived at 7.45 and he's always felt obliged to make small talk with you but has finally realised he doesn't want to do that any more. I would (as an introvert) find that an exhausting way to start my shift every time.

Just leave him alone and stop mentioning it. It might be nothing personal, he's obviously trying his best not to offend you. Maybe he just wants to arrive on time and get on with things rather than chat for 45 minutes at the start of every shift. Maybe he's been warned not to stop you working. Maybe he's fed up having to arrive at work so early - many people would be. Whatever the reason, it's his business and he's being very polite about it, so just let it go.

IWantADifferentName · 29/11/2019 08:56

There isn’t really a nice way to say this but I’m going to say it anyway - it is not all about you.

Maybe it is you and. Your conversation I’d boring, but equally, maybe he wants more time on his own, maybe he feels confident enough in his job not to have to make small talk with colleagues, maybe he has a new hobby that takes up his time, maybe he just can’t be arsed.

tallulahhulah1 · 29/11/2019 08:57

I feel there is a lot of emotions here in this story to care if someone comes into work later regardless of how long you have been doing it.

adaline · 29/11/2019 09:02

I think you need to go in on the days you're not in and see what he does then. Hide behind the bins and check whether he arrives early and chats to whoever is there for 3/4 hour. If he does you know it IS you. Then jump out and confront him.

Definitely do this

Spied · 29/11/2019 09:08

Maybe you are a bit overbearing and he's now avoiding you.
Maybe you are giving off intense vibes so he's trying not to encourage this.
Maybe he thinks you have the 'wrong idea' and see the colleague relationship you have as 'something else' - so he's avoiding you before you ask him on a date or suchlike.

Saucery · 29/11/2019 09:08

Didn’t John Finnemore do a Double Acts about this? They got together in the end, OP.

WorraLiberty · 29/11/2019 09:12

Jesus, leave him alone. He's your colleague not your husband!

MrsAJ27 · 29/11/2019 09:14

Why do you care?

You have already asked him if you have done anything to offend him. He has told you No so let it go and mive on

strawberry2017 · 29/11/2019 09:20

Unless there is more to the story you are reading far to much in to this.
Maybe somethings changed in his life, maybe somethings going on he doesn't want to share. Could be anything but you pushing him might not help his situation so don't push it x

TatianaLarina · 29/11/2019 09:32

You might be right that he’s avoiding you OP, but he’s hardly going to tell you to your face that he finds you a bit intense and he’d rather have a quiet fag.

TheMidasTouch · 29/11/2019 09:36

I can't believe you waste 45 minutes of your employer's time chatting every day and seem to think that is acceptable!

You've asked Jack and he's given you the only answer he's willing to give. Whether you believe it or not is your problem. Personally, I think he may be trying to avoid you but doesn't want or need to raise it with you as an issue.

Maybe he was just chatting to you in a friendly manner and he thinks you see something more to the relationship?

Maybe Jack thinks 'I wish she'd just shut the f**k up as I just want to unwind gently before I start my shift'?

Who knows. Stop pondering on it and just get on with your work.

PenguinBollard · 29/11/2019 09:37

Sorry OP, it does seem like you've come on a bit strong

spacepyramid · 29/11/2019 09:47

He's got himself a girlfriend and doesn't want to cause problems by going in and chatting to another woman for 45 minutes? He's found something better to do with his time?

It's not really any of your business, I'd be wondering about it but not to the extent of posting a thread about it TBH.

Cuppachino · 29/11/2019 09:49

He started coming in later and later, I made a bit of a joke about it after a couple of weeks saying was he avoiding me coming in later

I would find this annoying and would definitely avoid you after it. Why are you so bothered?

Witchend · 29/11/2019 09:52

He's probably been told to stop distracting you for the last 45 minutes of your shift.

No, he doesn't secretly fancy you, like the other 10 000 posts on the "does my co-worker fancy me because he looked twice in the other direction" subject.

carbo · 29/11/2019 09:54

I think that's really strange and obviously something has happened (from his perspective). I'd say it's fairly obvious it's something specific to do with you .. though not necessarily a negative. Wait it out, the explanation will come in time.

SouthernComforts · 29/11/2019 09:56

There's been a lot of weird, needy co-worker threads lately..

OldEvilOwl · 29/11/2019 09:58

Wow you need to back off and leave the poor bloke alone. He doesn't need to explain himself to you, I can't believe you have already questioned him on it

Auradal · 29/11/2019 10:04

Leave him alone.
What he does before 8.30 is his business.
He's maybe decided he doesn't see why he should be in work 45 minutes early and decided to stay of the premises.
Maybe he has met someone and is outside chatting to them on the phone or texting while having a cigarette.
Maybe he's got pissed off with having to use the bus and decided that he can afford a taxi so why not!

Don't know why you've got the idea it is all about you.
And btw, I'd be annoyed if someone started making "jokes" that I was coming in late when I was in half an hour before my shift started. So maybe it is a bit about you.

Just forget it and get on with your work.

CaMePlaitPas · 29/11/2019 10:08

You sound weird.

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