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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why would he be doing this?

89 replies

FiftyFiftySplit · 29/11/2019 07:37

I do an evening shift one day a week, someone comes in to take over from me at 8:30, I’ll call him Jack.

I’ve done this role for about 2 years, Jack started a couple of weeks earlier than me so have worked together the whole time I’ve been there. Jack gets the bus in, because of bus times he gets in at 7:45 so we would chat for a bit before it was time for me to leave.

It’s always been this way, up until about 6 weeks ago. He started coming in later and later, I made a bit of a joke about it after a couple of weeks saying was he avoiding me coming in later. He said no, that he was having a couple of cigarettes before coming in so was a bit later. It kept happening, he was coming in at 8:15 most weeks so i asked him more seriously if I’d done anything to upset him, he said no, that he didn’t realise what day it was until he saw me sat there when he came in. Bullshit excuse but I thought ok, let it go.

Now the last couple of weeks he’s coming in at as near to 8:30 as he can get. Said he got a taxi in last night so he could leave later. He never gets a taxi in so it’s not something he just does sometimes.

I’m not being unreasonable thinking it must be something to do with me? Otherwise it’s a massive coincidence that the one time he gets a taxi in just happens to be the day he knows I’m in? I can’t ask him again because I feel like I’m just being paranoid but I can’t think of another reason why it would suddenly change after near enough 2 years of it always being the same routine.

OP posts:
daisypond · 29/11/2019 10:20

Perhaps the employer has told him to stop interrupting the employees who are meant to be working.

HoppingPavlova · 29/11/2019 10:21

Maybe after a few weeks he has clues to the fact you are a bit unbalanced as that is how you are coming across. He can’t be bothered dealing with this.

saraclara · 29/11/2019 10:22

Maybe his bus has arrived at 7.45 and he's always felt obliged to make small talk with you but has finally realised he doesn't want to do that any more. I would (as an introvert) find that an exhausting way to start my shift every time.

That. And the more you pester him about why he's coming in later, the more you're freaking him out. He's tried to cut down the time he feels forced to talk to you, and your reaction to that has made him really uncomfortable so he's avoiding you altogether.

Crinkle77 · 29/11/2019 10:30

I think you need to start seeing more as a colleague rather than a friend. If he avoiding you then so what? Don't mean that to sound nasty but if you don't have to work with him then don't worry about it.

humblesims · 29/11/2019 10:32

it’s a massive coincidence that the one time he gets a taxi in just happens to be the day he knows I’m in
um, no, I think thats just...a general, run of the mill coincidence.

Bunney2020 · 29/11/2019 10:37

I think it's a bit weird you're keeping tabs on your colleagues like this, knowing what time his bus comes in, asking why he's not coming into work early an hour before his shift etc. It's literally none of your business and stop hounding him about where he is, if my colleagues did this I wouldn't be happy at all.

Notodontidae · 29/11/2019 10:37

There could be dozens of reasons, yes he could find you a complete bore, or he pops in to costa and prefers to start the day there. Or he has a new partner, and feels uncomfortable with you now. Sometime a change in routine helps the day go better. He may even smoke a little weed before coming into work. Who knows, if it bothers you ask him, but he might say "None of your business"?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/11/2019 10:38

I hate it if I get the train to town early in the morning and find myself having to make chit chat with someone as I'm usually banking on the journey to read or just think.
Maybe Its just toooooo damn early. You've been up all night so its different for you.
Maybe he doesn't mind chatting occasionally but you want to do it every single day and are sitting there expectantly.. he's still waking up and needs a bit of peace first thing. Maybe he's coping with berevement, or other worries and it wouldn't help to share with work colleagues.
He clearly wants a bit of space, doesn't mean he dislikes you.

Bunney2020 · 29/11/2019 10:39

Perhaps the employer has told him to stop interrupting the employees who are meant to be working.
This is a very good point.

MrsFoxPlus4Again · 29/11/2019 10:45

I think you fancy jack maybe he seen how creepy you were getting

Zoflorabore · 29/11/2019 11:00

Has op responded to the suggestion that she fancies Jack? I bet she does. It’s bloody obvious to me so will be to him too.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/11/2019 11:02

This does remind me of Larry David's Stop and Chat rules.

AloneLonelyLoner · 29/11/2019 11:07

Step. Away.

He is coming into work on time.
Leave him be.
It is 99.9% sure it has nothing to do with some change in your relationship as colleagues and 100% sure it is none of your business.

FavouriteSoul · 29/11/2019 11:17

Bloody hell, poor bloke. Why do you think his change in time arriving at work is anything to do with you? Bus times may have changed, perhaps his girlfriend gives him a lift in, or else he thinks you're a bit creepy and is avoiding you

Bouledeneige · 29/11/2019 11:34

In the nicest possible way not everyone wants to have a sort of compulsory chat with another person every time they come into work. They just might want to chill, relax, have a smoke. They might have things they are worrying about or not. It's the expectation that could get annoying so you pursuing it would be even more annoying.
I'm a very friendly person but don't always feel like having to have a chat.

BlueJava · 29/11/2019 11:45

Yabu as long as he's there by 8.30 it doesnt matter. Perhaps the buses changed, may be they said stop chatting to peopke on shift, perhaps he no longer wants to chat, perhaps he wants to smoke/have a lay in/whatever. As long as he's there fir his shift there is no issue.

PlutoAjder · 29/11/2019 11:46

I can't think of a worse way to spend the start of my shift having an obligatory 45min unpaid chat to my colleague every time.

With all due respect op.. you're coming across as weird and batshit. I would find it intensely odd to be questioned about why I'm doing stuff before my shift even starts, leave him the fuck alone!

Original poster
FiftyFiftySplit · 29/11/2019 12:23

To answer a few questions;

I know what time his bus is because I’ve heard other people ask him a few times why he’s in early and he tells them it’s the only bus he can get, the next one he would in too late. I haven’t asked him that myself.

No I don’t fancy him, I like him as a friend and thought he liked me as a friend too.

I’ve recently been screwed over by another friend so I’m probably feeling a bit sensitive to how I think other people see me at the moment.

I haven’t questioned what he’s doing instead of coming into work, like I said earlier there is nothing else to do near work so he’s just staying outside longer and I found it a bit strange to suddenly change from being in every week for nearly 2 years to now being later whenever I’m there, and it being every week which makes it seem that it’s something to do with me.

OP posts:
Cakeandcustard123 · 29/11/2019 12:29

I think you're projecting your insecurities onto this situation to be honest. If you didn't have any contact outside of work then you're not friends with him, you're his colleague. Go in, do your job, go home and forget about him. Maybe focus your energies on new hobbies or activities to meet new friends OP x

LochJessMonster · 29/11/2019 12:37

I would say hes just started a new relationship and she's questioning why he gets to work 45 minutes early to chat to another woman.

Original poster
FiftyFiftySplit · 29/11/2019 12:37

We did have contact outside of work. He is Facebook friends with me, used to comment and like pictures I put up, that stopped around the same time. I don’t care about that, I’m not bothered about anything to do with Facebook.

Used to text a bit but don’t now, started by him so not me being overbearing.

And I’m the only one who works directly with him. Other people just pass through which is why I thought it was me and not other reason. I’m not paranoid enough to think it’s me out of an office full of people Wink

OP posts:
adaline · 29/11/2019 12:37

It all sounds a bit intense for a work friendship!

adaline · 29/11/2019 12:38

X-post. Maybe he's gotten a new girlfriend?

Angelf1sh · 29/11/2019 12:44

You’re being completely unreasonable. Why would his decision to not be at work for 45 minutes when he’s not getting paid have anything to do with you? That being said, if you have come across as weird in real life as this post makes you sound then maybe he is avoiding you.

Also, does that mean you did nothing but chat for the last 45 minutes of your shift for several years? Because if I were your boss I’d be putting a stop to that

Auradal · 29/11/2019 12:46

How do you know what time he gets in when you aren't there?
Maybe he also comes in later on the other days as well.

I'd like to bet he has a gf now and that's why he's stopped chatting so much and commenting on facebook etc.