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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sociable child with autism being ignored

80 replies

NoFun21 · 28/11/2019 19:24

My little boy who has ASC is very friendly , not in your face just curious and friendly. Today we were out and I was so saddened by seeing him asking a little girl who was playing with the Lego in the sand toy department what her cane was and what she was doing and her just ignoring him. I’m sorry but I’ve thought they might be shy of course but this happens all the time she from obviously confident kids. I saw him look bewildered when ignored agsjn later by an older boy When he asked about his scooter. I was brought up to have manners and recognise when Someone was being friendly. Why can’t these kids just be kind? FYI they can obviously hear him, he is not shouting or invading their space. What do you tell your kids about what is the polite response wilhej a child you don’t now tries to make friends?

OP posts:

MrsBricks · 28/11/2019 21:39

Depends on their age. My 9 year old understands being friendly and polite to strangers, but my 5 year old will still often blank children from his class if they try to chat with him outside school!

Young children are still learning social skills and social norms. Don't expect too much.

EmmiJay · 28/11/2019 21:40

Aww OP - don't worry I'm sure hes going to spark up conversation with someone like us soon enough he sounds absolutely lovely!

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2019 21:41

I thinks it’s one thing to tell kids they don’t have to talk to anyone but it’s another to teach them
To be closed and not open minded.

Do you know any parents who deliberately teach their kids to be closed minded OP?

SweetSally · 28/11/2019 21:42

@NoFun21

I am sorry that you feel sad but I think you are taking this out of context. You can't make other children talk to your child just because you feel sad for him. Sounds like he's a lovely little boy and he's doing great. I am sure he will grow to be an amazing person regardless of any conditions.

Awkward1 · 28/11/2019 21:47

How is he at school?

The same kid in 2 similar situations can act completely differently.
With or without siblings.
Beginning vs end of the day
Having fallen over
Having recently been ill
In the middle of doing swimming/gym or park.

My dc seem to be happier to be the instigator. Dc2 4yo was playing happily with a child one day and the next the girl tried to join in with dc2 (and dc2 friends) by chasing her around but dc2 really didnt lile it.

I would think op the issue is not so much the blanking by dc but if it is happening every time
Or if you dc isnt ever getting past this stage with kids. Often they ignore each other but then warm up to each other by saying more.
Ive found sibling together very hard for kids to get a start with as they are just playing with each other.

Dc1 possibly has asd and like the pp ignore people on the way to school etc. Struggles with friendships despite good language is probsbly not good communicating.

Maybe other kids tend to reserve Hi etc for kids they already know. ?
Kids might be more likely to start with
'Do you want to play chase'
'Look at my frozen top/cuddly toy'

So could it be the conversation starter he is using?

UtuNorantiPralatongsThirdEye · 28/11/2019 21:50

5 is very young, children that age often blank their friends randomly. They're still learning.

Louise91417 · 28/11/2019 21:51

Its polite to speak when spoken too...maybe im just old school but my kids would be pulled up for their manners if i caught them blanking another child.

Beccaishere · 28/11/2019 21:52

it works both ways op you have to also teach your child to be open minded so that he is aware that not all children will want to interact with him. My son is a 9 and unfortunately really struggles socially so if your child approached him to talk his anxiety would kick in and he wouldn’t want to talk. He doesn’t even talk to people he knows well. You seem to be thinking only about your child’s needs here op yes it’s sad for your child but it’s really not a big a issue as your making it. If a child doesn’t want to talk to your child just move them along to something else.

mumwon · 28/11/2019 21:59

Look up the NAS to see if there are any local social groups near to you. Are there any inclusive children's theatre group nearby? DD joined a group called SNAP nearby she really enjoyed it & it was great for her social skills. As an adult she belongs to a Autism Social group in her local town & they often go out as a group - sometimes with ASD you need to find a Autism specific group to find friends on their/your own wavelength - as well as having friendships in the mainstream community.

MutedUser · 28/11/2019 22:02

@Louise91417 I was never brought up with that saying I want my kids to know too that they don’t have to and shouldn’t talk to strangers . I don’t think it’s in-polite to not talk to a creepy old man on the way to school for example . Or when my daughters are teenagers that they must to talk to any man who strikes up a conversation with them at a dark bus stop.

Pugsleyaddams · 28/11/2019 22:03

I think around 5 is an awkward age anyway, my 5yo will sometimes be in the playground and desperate to make friends, so I tell her to go and say hi to someone she might want to play with and ask if they want to play. Quite often she's ignored and then takes a knock in confidence to do it again. And then sometimes someone comes up to her and asks the same thing and she says no or just runs off and I pull her up to ask her why and it's just 'I don't want to play today' or 'I want to do... instead' so I explain how it's hurtful to not engage at all and remind her of how it felt for her last week or whatever but it just doesn't register. Even when we meet friends with kids who know each other in the playground they often just run about doing their own thing, same with classmates etc she meets. It's so hard though to watch, they are just learning the skills of politeness and sometimes it falls well short.

IAmNotAWitch · 28/11/2019 22:06

Agree MutedUser people should feel free to walk away from any interaction if they want to. Way too much pressure placed on women/girls especially to be "polite" and "kind".

Nope.

Just because something is the social/cultural norm doesn't make it right.

Butchyrestingface · 28/11/2019 22:08

There was a very similar thread to this not that long ago, OP. It proceeded along the same lines as this one.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2019 22:13

Pugsleyaddams, you're right it is a very awkward age.

They still have so much to learn about how their gut instinct makes them react, versus how they 'should' react in order to be polite or kind to others and then there are some kids who never lose that social awkwardness at all.

It's a bit of a minefield, that's why I don't think the OP's being fair to assume that kids aren't being taught by their parents.

And saying "Are we telling kids not to tell anyone their names even other children? What’s going on?"

Well that's a little bizarre, although I get the OP is frustrated.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2019 22:14

Butchy I thought I was going mad thinking that. There was, wasn't there? Almost identical.

Molly2010 · 28/11/2019 22:51

At 5 you are taking this way too seriously.

IHaveBrilloHair · 28/11/2019 22:52

I thought I'd read the same thread too.

selfhelpneeded · 28/11/2019 23:00

At 5 you are taking this way too seriously.

I agree with this. They're still very little and learning social rules. It's nothing to to with parents not teaching their children to be kind.

Witchend · 28/11/2019 23:07

They're very little to judge their behaviour as they're very much still learning.
Dd1 who would come across as very confident was (and still is at 18yo) very shy with her peers. It took her until the summer term of year R to say "hello" back to her friends if she saw them out of school. The number of times I saw her playing alongside another child with them both peeping at each other, clearly wanting to play together but neither wanting to make a move.
Ds had glue ear. He probably wouldn't have even heard another child say "hello" and even if he had, he wouldn't necessarily have responded as it was so much effort to listen through his ears.

Dd2 would have responded and organised your dc into playing an imaginative game with fairies and rainbows and butterflies and declared undying love and bff at the end of ten minutes.

They were all brought up the same way.

Vgbeat · 28/11/2019 23:43

He should talk to my daughter. She talks to everyone and anyone and he would wish he hadn't asked 🤣

JassyRadlett · 29/11/2019 10:48

Does your son like football at all? I have an NT boy of 9 who is and always has been obsessed with football (and to some extent Lego). He is quite happy and friendly and will kick a ball around with anyone who Is interested. He plays matches twice a week, but he just likes playing with a ball. I saw him being very kind and kicking a ball gently to a smaller boy who might have been SN a few weeks ago. I think he would be friendly and polite in any case, but he would probably not stick around unless a ball was involved.

Actually football is an excellent call - it is a really good social leveller and opening into relationships. It has been absolutely transformative for my eldest who was dreadfully shy and easily embarrassed and wouldn't even talk to his friends on the street if they were in the wrong context. We worked really hard on it with him but apart from a few notable exceptions (one day at B&Q soft play where he led four other kids in a star wars game sticks in my head) he was incredibly quiet and reticent.

Football has changed everything for him because now he has common ground with kids he doesn't know. I cannot tell you the joy of looking across the playground to see him kicking a ball around with four kids he's never met, or coming home from holiday camp having made a new friend (he'll know their name and what team they support but no clue on what school they go to, how old they are...)

I am so not a football fan and am bored to death by DS1's interest in it but I cannot get over how much it's changed things for him socially.

OneDay10 · 29/11/2019 11:07

you are ridiculous. so this random small child intentionally ignored your son who she has never met , because he has autism. Can you see how you come across? my son doesnt have to speak to anyone he doesnt want to, strangers that include children as well.

OneDay10 · 29/11/2019 11:22

You are also making alot of assumptions about how people are raising there children, a little girl isnt being raised properly, everyone is ignoring your child because of his autism etc.

elliejjtiny · 29/11/2019 11:31

I'm so sorry your lovely boy is being ignored. My 2 who have asd will usually ignore other children but my ds who is nt is very sociable and will happily chat to anyone.

PilatesHippo · 29/11/2019 14:10

Jassy, football is brilliant isn’t it? Some boys just seem to love it.

OP, even if my son likes to play “proper” football games, he is just happy kicking a ball around, no rules involved. If we go for a walk, he will bring his football and kick it along the path. Sometimes people kick it back to him and he gets really excited. Sometimes like Jassy’s son, he just finds 2-3 other boys, they might make a goal of sticks or not, and start playing. He was at a summer camp one day and came home really unhappy as he hadn’t bonded with anybody. The next day he brought his football....

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